Recently I was out to dinner with my family. I excused myself to go to the restroom – and found something very interesting scribbled on the bathroom wall.
Lynn + men who don’t love her…
Although I chuckled, I also felt Lynn’s pain. Over a decade ago, I experienced bad patterns in love – which thankfully I’ve since broken.
I used to joke that if we all had a one in a million chance of meeting the right guy, I only had about two or three guys left to go out with. I felt like I’d dated nearly every eligible — and non-eligible — man in New York City.
I was tempted to write back a helpful note to Lynn – right below her bathroom scribble.
Lynn’s bathroom note seemed to suggest that there was no logic to her love problem.
She seemed to imply that the universe had hand-plucked her to torture her and punk her.
Lynn needed to accept she had a pattern of attracting emotionally unavailable partners.
Thankfully I eventually owned up to my part in my bad love pattern.
In particular I realized I needed to “dis-own” my pattern for prioritizing eye candy over soul food.
When I was younger, I used to look at a cute, funny, charismatic guy and think: “Yum, yum! I want him!”
One day I saw a loving, happy couple—watched the happy, healthy dynamic between the guy and girl— and thought: “Yum, yum! I want that!”
That’s when it hit me…
True love is NOT about the superficial qualities found in (or on!) a person.
After all, if you don’t have that special soul-to-soul connection it won’t matter how sexy, successful, or charismatic the other person is.
Nor will it matter how good they are at massaging your body and/or your ego!
You need the other person to be good at connecting with your soul (not your body or ego) for the love connection to survive the test of time!
Or as I like to say, “Don’t just look for a partner who is eye candy. Make sure they are also soul food.”
Basically, if you’re not seeking a “that,” then you’re foolishly prioritizing finding someone who is mere “eye candy.”
Let me state clearly…
It’s okay to enjoy some eye candy in your partner.
If you want to find lasting love then you need to seek a “that.” Not just a him or a her.
There’s a great quote in that classic book The Little Prince:
“It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.”
This quote describes prioritizing finding someone who is “soul food” not just mere “eye candy.”
So, how do we wind up over-prioritizing eye-candy?
Don’t rush your crush! Take time to get to know someone – in a deep soul-to-soul way – so you don’t fall in love with “the idea” of the person. Instead you fall in love with the actual person!
When you slow down and get to know someone soul-to-soul, you can better suss out who someone is.
You’ll be able to notice if you’re truly psyched about how you each share long-term loving compatibility.
Or maybe you will notice instead that you are merely superficially riled up over your short-term great body massages and ego massages.
Just think about what happens when you move slowly vs. quickly down a street in a car.