What’s an important key to a good, lasting relationship?
Your partner makes you feel safe.
In fact, you should seek the feeling of “safety” first and foremost – even before the feeling of love.
Without the feeling of safety, you will never arrive at feeling true love — because you won’t allow yourself to be vulnerable enough for true intimacy.
If you’re not your most vulnerable, authentic self with someone – then you’re not experiencing a true love connection.
In a good relationship your partner should WANT to make you feel not only loved – but also safe.
In a lasting relationship your partner should even feel happy to do whatever they can to make sure you feel safe – if/when you express that you do not feel safe!
Unfortunately many folks overly prioritize finding a partner who is sexy, smart, successful, funny, etc….
In so doing, they are even willing to put up with a partner who makes them feel unsafe – as long as this partner is “sexy, smart, successful, funny etc….”
As a result, the relationship makes them feel insecure, frazzled, neurotic, totally crazy, and/or afraid to speak up.
Reminder: A good relationship SHOULD make you feel: happy, loved, confident, inspired, peaceful, safe, open to communicating, free to be your fullest you. You should NOT be feeling insecure, frazzled, neurotic, totally crazy, and/or afraid to speak up.
All of this brings me to another top priority quality you should seek in a partner…
“embraces high integrity character values”
The only way to be your most vulnerable, authentic self with someone is feel safe in the relationship.
If you’re not your most vulnerable, authentic self with someone – then you’re not experiencing a true love connection!
And… if ever you feel the need to play detective, well…then it’s probably time to move on.
Jim Collins in his terrific book, Good To Great, explains in detail how one of the most important qualities necessary to grow a company from “good to great” is the ability to speak “harsh truth” —be a “front-stabber,” as I like to say.
I snagged this expression “front stabber” from a famous saying: “A friend is someone who stabs you in the front.”
Collins explains how harsh-truth-speaking is the only way a company can gain needed blind-spot insights—so the company knows what’s holding it back from greatness.
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Because harsh-truth-speaking is so essential to growth, companies that are run by nice, empathic, trust-worthy bosses tend to be the ones which grow from “good to great” —because employees are less afraid to harsh-truth-speak to them.
This applies ditto with relationships.
Hence, this yet another reason to prioritize finding a partner who makes you feel safe.
After all, it’s far easier to “harsh-truth-speak” with a nice, empathic, trust-worthy partner than a tyrant/untrustworthy partner.
It’s tough to share honestly with a partner who puts you on the defensive – or makes you feel unsafe to have courageous dialogues about what you need, want, fear and dislike.
If you’re in a relationship right now (or seeking to find a partner) remember it’s not only important to be with someone who is smart, funny, sexy, and successful.
Your partner MUST make you feel safe too.
Without this feeling of “safety” then it won’t matter how wildly smart, funny, sexy, and successful your partner might be.
You will NOT be happy.
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I’d love to hear your insights on the comment section below! What’s something which comes to your mind and heart when you read my essay?
Hi I’m Karen Salmansohn, founder of NotSalmon. My mission is to offer you easy-to-understand insights and tools to empower you to bloom into your happiest, highest potential self. I use playful analogies, feisty humor, and stylish graphics to distill big ideas – going as far back as ancient wisdom from Aristotle, Buddhism and Darwin to the latest research studies from Cognitive Therapy, Neuro Linquistic Programming, Neuroscience, Positive Psychology, Quantum Physics, Nutritional Studies – and then some.
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