self-help for people who wouldn’t be caught dead doing self-help

Positive Parenting is trending! Here’s an 8 Step Tool Which Works!

Positive Parenting is a trending concept. I have written about Positive Parenting strategies here – and here – and also here – plus in many other essays on my site! Read on to learn my “8 step Positive Parenting tool” I use to motivate my little dude to behave at his best.

A few months ago our family started to call our home “The House Of Love.”

This nickname happened one evening by accident, while trying to get our almost-5 year old son (Ari Salmansohn) to go to sleep at bedtime – a time which has earned its own moniker – “badtime” – a name we’ve been trying to get un-stuck.

“I don’t want to go to sleep! Sleep is booooring,” Ari has been known to say at bedtime/badtime.

Admittedly, I’m happy to know my son loves life soooo much that he doesn’t want to miss a moment of it by going to sleep.

But… I’m not so happy about all the many excuses my son concocts to stay awake.

“I need water.”
“I need to pee.”
“I need a tissue.”
“I need a blanket.”

Eventually Ari gets very direct about what he really wants.

“I want to stay awake and play!” Ari lets us know – loudly.

This is when “bedtime” morphs into “badtime.”

Quarrels can happen.

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Before Ari was even born – while I was pregnant -I decided very affirmatively that I wanted to discipline my son without doing lots of yelling or giving time outs.

So I read a range of Positive Parenting books – and came up with Positive Parenting strategies.

Since Ari was born, I’ve done my best to keep yelling and punishments to a minimum.

Here’s my 8 Step “Positive Parenting Tool” I use to discipline my son :

Whenever I feel tempers rising, I remind Ari that he’s here on this planet to become his best self.
I let Ari know my mission as his mom is to help him to become his best self.
I then logically explain to him how the action I want him to do will help him to become his best self.
I also let Ari know that sometimes the most important things in life are not the most fun things – they are indeed kinda boring.
I remind Ari that these boring things are super important to do nonetheless.
Next up, I bring up the word “effort.” I let Ari know that he has to put in some effort to do these important things. He has to be strong like Hulk – but on the inside.
I then offer up some logical benefits of putting in effort to do the thing he does not want to do.For example: Sleep brings greater health- which means he has more energy to play the next day – and he can run faster on the playground.
When I’m done presenting the logic – I wrap it all up with love. I end by reminding Ari that every time I ask him to do something which he thinks is “boring” – it’s because I love him.

I always try to bring whatever starts out feeling like a quarrel-about-to-erupt back into a lovefest of sorts.

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“This is a House Of Love,” I blurted to Ari one night.

“We all love each other here – and treat each other with love,” I reminded my son. “My wanting you to go to sleep is all about love.”

I then hugged Ari – and – eureka – off to sleep he went.

Ever since I blurted “This is a House of Love” this phrase has become a repeated mantra in our home – a powerful incantation for lowering cortisone levels during stressful times.

There’s a logic behind this “Momtra.”

When I utter this phrase it helps to remind Ari that we’re all on the same team: The Love Team! We all want the best for each other.

The phrase “This is a House of Love” quickly brings Ari’s thoughts and actions back to what matters most in life (even more than toys, ipads and ice cream!): LOVE – along with love’s best buddies – peace, joy and kindness.

Another example of how I use “Positive Parenting” to discipline my son…

Ari loves playing games on his ipad. But when it’s meal time – I always ask him to stop.

“Mooooom,” he says, “Why can’t I play app games at dinner?”

“Which is more imporant?” I ask him, “App games or people?”

“People,” he sighs – then smiles.

“This is a House Of Love,” I remind him. “At dinner it’s important we show love for each other by looking at each other – being with each other – catching up with each other. So, please do the loving choice, and put down that ipad.”

Love wins. The ipad goes down.

Now whenever any of us are getting cranky pants (which includes us parents too), we each remind the other, “Yo! This is a House of Love.”

Instead of raising our voices, we rise up to be our best, most loving selves.

Want to learn more about the concept of “Positive Parenting”? I’ve written about Positive Parenting strategies here – and here – and also here – plus in many other essays on my site!)

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Karen Salmansohn (Founder)

Hi I’m Karen Salmansohn, founder of NotSalmon. My mission is to offer you easy-to-understand insights and tools to empower you to bloom into your happiest, highest potential self. I use playful analogies, feisty humor, and stylish graphics to distill big ideas – going as far back as ancient wisdom from Aristotle, Buddhism and Darwin to the latest research studies from Cognitive Therapy, Neuro Linquistic Programming, Neuroscience, Positive Psychology, Quantum Physics, Nutritional Studies – and then some.