Discover the link between emotional suppression and why you feel lost and unhappy. Learn the steps towards a happier, more authentic self.
Do you sometimes feel like there’s this cloud of unhappiness hanging over you and you don’t know why?
Maybe you’ve been wrestling with this gnawing sense of emptiness, this feeling of being lost, and you’re not quite sure how to put your finger on it.
More often than not, the source of your unhappiness is hidden in the emotions that you’ve been trying to hide.
Basically, you’ve grown really good at something that’s not so great for you….
Meaning?
The outcome?
But no worries. I’m here to help.
I’ve spent a good chunk of my life – over two decades – delving into this subject. I’m a bestselling author on behavioral change with over 2 million books and courses sold.
In fact, I’ve shared a lot about emotional suppression in my therapist recommended online courses: The Anxiety Cure and Develop Stronger Intuition.
But I wanted to take things a step further – and share some insights right here on my blog – so I can help as many people as possible to feel a little less lost and a bit more hopeful.
So let’s jump in, and learn more about emotional suppression and how you can break free from its grip.
Emotional suppression, in its simplest form, refers to the conscious or unconscious avoidance or stifling of our feelings.
It’s a mental coping strategy many people use when experiencing unpleasant emotions such as anger, fear, or sadness.
Over time, it can become a habitual response, a go-to mechanism whenever we face distressing emotions, leading to an internal disconnection from our emotional world.
This disconnection isn’t as benign as it may seem. It exacts a toll on our mental and physical wellbeing.
While emotional suppression might temporarily shield us from emotional discomfort, it’s an unhealthy choice in the longterm.
Suppressed emotions can lead to increased stress, depression and even addiction. (For example, it’s why I became an emotional eater.)
Plus suppressed emotions can also negatively impact our relationships, stifle personal growth, and even manifest as physical health issues.
Understanding and addressing emotional suppression is vital for our emotional health and overall happiness. To do so, we need to explore its origins, which often trace back to our childhood experiences.
Now, you might be wondering – why does this happen? Well, a lot of it goes back to your childhood.
Kids learn a lot about how to behave and communicate from their parents or whoever raises them.
If your folks often shared their feelings, asked you how stuff made you feel, didn’t judge you for feeling a certain way, and treated your emotions as normal – chances are, you’re pretty comfortable expressing your emotions now. It also means you had what’s called “A Secure Attachment Style.”
But if you’re an adult who feels detached or out of touch with your emotions, chances are, you grew up with what’s called “An Insecure Attachment Style.”
Meaning?
If expressing your feelings as a kid usually ended up being a hurtful experience, it’s no surprise you decided it was safer to just not go there. So as an adult, you might keep burying your intense emotions – without even knowing you’re doing it. And even the emotions you do notice, you might push aside.
People who regularly suppress their emotions might find it tough to identify and understand what they’re feeling. This not only makes it tricky to express your emotions, but it also blinds you to realizing when certain things in your life are not really working for you.
Maybe you:
When you suppress your emotions, you can wind up behaving differently – and reacting differently to others.
For example, your emotions can pile up until they burst forth, sometimes sparked by tiny things. This can cause hiccups in your relationships.
Suppressing your emotions can hamper your ability to:
You might also find that you:
So, now let’s turn our attention to the insights offered by Dr. Gabor Maté, Dr. Nadine Burke Harris, and Dr. Susan David – leading voices who have significantly contributed to our understanding of emotional suppression and its effects.
These experts not only illuminate the childhood roots of this issue. They’ve got some great advice on how to handle our uncomfortable feelings in a healthier way.
Dr. Gabor Maté (a leading voice in mental health, addiction, and childhood development) writes a lot about emotional suppression.
His terrific book, “In The Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction,” serves as a landmark exploration of how emotional suppression often finds its roots in our earliest years.
Maté explains how children in emotionally challenging environments often turn to emotional suppression.
Basically, when exposed to a challenging childhood environment, it’s very common for children to learn to stifle their authentic feelings to avoid further pain or rejection.
Unfortunately, this is a temporary solution with long-term dangers, often leading to a lifetime of emotional and physical unhealthy results.
But Maté doesn’t stop there. His more recent book, “The Myth of Normal: Illness and Health in an Insane Culture,” takes a deep dive into the societal constructs that contribute to the prevalence of emotional suppression.
This insightful new book pulls back the curtain on societal pressures that subtly, yet powerfully, steer us away from emotional authenticity – being our true selves.
He argues that these societal norms wind up creating feelings of disconnection and unhappiness, solidifying emotional suppression as a societal issue – as much as an individual one.
Dr. Nadine Burke Harris, another significant contributor in the field of childhood adversity and its effects on adult health, extends this dialogue in her groundbreaking book “The Deepest Well: Healing the Long-Term Effects of Childhood Adversity.”
Harris further validates Maté’s theories. She hones in on the role of adverse childhood experiences (ACEs). And she shares how “emotional suppression” is a significant problem for a lot of people – harming adult emotional health – and our physical health too.
She emphasizes how our childhood emotional world doesn’t just vanish!
It leaves imprints on our physical and emotional wellbeing as we grow.
In essence, the silent shadow of emotional suppression in our childhood can wind up growing into a formidable enemy in our adulthood, contributing to emotional struggles and health issues.
Dr. Susan David, a celebrated psychologist and author, brings another perspective to this vital conversation around emotional suppression.
Her notable book “Emotional Agility” champions the urgent need to confront and navigate our emotions, rather than suppress them.
David emphasizes an approach of curiosity and acceptance toward our feelings, encouraging a departure from the traditional view that negative emotions are enemies to be fought.
Instead, she promotes the idea of emotional courage – facing our feelings, even when they’re uncomfortable or painful.
She urges readers to challenge societal norms which promote emotional suppression.
And she encourages readers to instead embrace emotional agility as a healthier, more fulfilling approach to life.
She defines “emotional agility” as the ability to navigate life’s twists and turns with self-acceptance, clear-sightedness, and an open mind.
Basically, “emotional agility” means that you try your best to be aware and accepting of all your emotions – and that you try to make decisions that align with your true self and your core values.
People with “emotional agility” do their best to welcome “emotional expression” – rather than shunning it as a sign of weakness.
Dr. Susan David recommends learning how to be more emotional agile – so you can bravely overcome suppression – and lead a healthier, happier life.
1. Societal ConditioningUnfortunately, society subtly imposes “rules” around emotional expression.
We learn early that certain emotions, like anger or sadness, are less acceptable to express.
Over time, this conditioning pushes us to suppress these “unwanted” emotions, leading to a persistent sense of discontent and unhappiness.
As those authors (Maté, Harris and David) each explain, suppressing emotions doesn’t make them disappear.
Instead, these emotions find alternate avenues of expression, often in the form of feelings of being lost or unhappy – and experiencing chronic stress, depression, anxiety, and even addictive behaviors.
Plus, as mentioned above, many people also experience physical symptoms or health issues due to suppressed emotions.
In trying to fit into societal expectations, we often disconnect from our true selves.
We ignore our emotional needs, not realizing that in this quest to “fit in,” we’re becoming more lost and disconnected from our authentic selves.
1. Acknowledge The Issue: The First Step Towards HealingAcknowledging past hurts and suppressed emotions is the first crucial step in healing.
This process might be challenging, but it’s also empowering.
You must take the time to revisit the pain of your past, and find the meaning, purpose and growth in your painful experiences.
Remember, acknowledging your feelings doesn’t mean you’re weak.
It means you’re courageous.
Maté’s “The Myth of Normal” inspires us to question societal norms around emotional expression.
You need to bluntly ask yourself:
With this in mind, you need to redefine “normal” to include emotional self expression and authenticity.
And you need to recognize that when you do – you’re embracing powerful acts of self-care and self-respect.
David’s concept of “emotional agility” encourages us to express our feelings freely and navigate them effectively.
This approach involves you to….
Based on Attachment Theory, secure and emotionally available relationships can help fill emotional voids resulting from suppression.
You must do your best to actively seek and nurture relationships with “secure emotional attachments.” Meaning? You must find people you feel safe to be your truest self around – and spend quality time with them.
Ditto with doing your best to avoid (or limit) relationships where you don’t feel safe to be your most authentic self.
Do what you can to stick to a balanced diet, enjoy regular exercise, get adequate sleep, and engage in activities you love.
Remember self care is not indulgent. It’s a necessity.
A healthy body can support a healthy emotional state, underscoring the importance of holistic self-care.
You need to cultivate a positive mindset and practice daily gratitude.
Why? Because when you feel more confident in who you are – and more positive about the world – you will feel braver about feeling, exploring and expressing your uncomfortable feelings.
You might want to seek professional help if the struggle becomes overwhelming. Therapists and Mindset Coaches are trained to help you navigate your emotional landscape and guide you toward healthier emotional expression.
Remember, your feelings are valid, and expressing them is not a sign of weakness! It’s a sign of emotional strength.
In fact, this final 8th strategy is so important, it’s worthy of a fuller exploration.
Coming up now are 5 strategies to embrace emotional expression – so you can live your life as an emotionally authentic you.
Become more aware of your emotions and understanding what triggers them.
Journaling can be a useful tool to track your emotional responses and identify any emerging patterns.
Take the time to rewrite your emotional narrative.
Remember: You’re the author of your life! Make it a story of emotional authenticity and healing.
Your mission: Do NOT allow societal norms or past experiences to dictate how you think you should feel… or how you think you should express your emotions.
Learn to be kinder to yourself. Practice self-compassion. Respond to your feelings with the same kindness and understanding you’d offer a friend.
Try a range of mindfulness practices – like meditation, yoga, and mindful breathing. They can help you stay centered and present, and allow you to connect better with your emotions.
Do your best to create a network of trusted friends and family who provide emotional support and understand your journey. This single step can be incredibly powerful in your healing journey.
Often people who feel lost and unhappy are struggling with emotional suppression – which has been ingrained in them since childhood.
While uncomfortable feelings can be overwhelming, it’s never too late to break free from the emotional suppression trap.
I hope the ideas in this article offer a helpful roadmap toward reclaiming your emotional authenticity and mental well-being.
Prioritize doing your best to let your authentic emotions come through in a healthy way. The journey may be challenging. But every step brings you closer to the joy and fulfillment of living life as your authentic, true self.
If you’re struggling to get started with making small needed changes in your life, consider enrolling in my online program Tweak A Week. This course is designed to make it fun and easy to add in new small tweaks to your habits each week.
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