Here’s some of my favorite love research, from top relationship researchers, to help you enjoy your happiest love relationship!
Love Research, Tip 1:
Marriage researcher Dr. John Gottman’s main learned hypothesis…
The two top essentials for successful relationships.
- consistent daily affection
The number one destroyer of relationships:
If you want to be in a happy relationship, focus on expressing more appreciation.
- When you criticize, don’t insult the person’s entire being.
- Instead, focus on the aspect of behavior you’d like the person to work on – while making them feel respected as a person.
Love Research, Tip 2:
Couples who remain married vs. divorced experience just as much conflict – but put in more “repair” – with a 5 to 1 ratio of nice to nasty moments.
Or as Dr. Gottman explained…
- Satisfied couples maintained a five-to-one ratio of positive to negative moments in their relationship.”
- In contrast, couples heading for divorce allowed the ratio to slip to very low…often to one-to-one.
Dr. Gottman’s prescription…
- If you’re having problems with your honey, add more honey! Give a hug. Cuddle. Compliment.
Love Research, Tip 3
Psychoanalyst Dr. Jani emphasizes the importance of two people being able to appreciate ordinary everyday moments together.
- She recommends always starting your day asking: “Anything special going on today?”
- At the end of the day, always ask: “Hey, how did that special thing go?”
All this might seem obvious, but we can forget to ask about daily minutia.
The more you remember to ask about one’s day, according to Dr. Jani, the more your sex life will improve.
It will make your partner feel more connected with you!
Who knew? Simply asking:”How was your day, dear?” can lead to hot times in bed?
Love Research, Tip 4:
Research consistently shows money plays a far lesser role in divorce – usually ranking about fifth in the blame line-up.
Money problems are less problematic than:
- lack of emotional support
- sexual problems
According to Olivia Mellan (author of “Money Harmony: Resolving Money Conflicts in Your Life and Relationships”) even when couples fight about money, they’re often fighting about underlying problems.
“Fights about money are usually more about what money represents: dependency, control, freedom, security, pleasure, self-worth.”
Love Research, Tip 5
All psychologists agree: A couple is only as “strong” as their weakest moments — how they handle conflict!
There are THREE conflict strategies:
- avoidance (the worst)
- fighting (better than avoidance, but still not healthful or helpful)
- validation (the winning method – which means trying to see things from the other person’s view, and sharing all views with kindness, and the goal of finding a win-win compromise!)
- When facing conflict, talk with your partner at the speed of life.
- Do not shut down.
- Do not attack.
- And ABSOLUTELY avoid that #1 love vaporizer: condescension!
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