How I Tamed My Inner Bully And Now Appreciate Myself More

Written and shared with love by Tahlee Rouillon.

I believe one of the most silent yet destructive forms of bullying is the inner emotional violence we do to ourselves.

Is “self kindness” is a bit of an struggle for you?

Do you think it’s selfish to take care of numero uno?

I used to think that being hard on myself was the only way to get anything done.

I believed that while I was a kind and compassionate person to all around me, there was a different set of rules that applied to me.

I internalized the message (as so many of us do) that any act of self kindness was the ultimate hedonism.

I felt I had to take care of others, before I took care of myself – otherwise I was totally selfish.

This limited belief led to me becoming a girl who was driven by the need for others’ approval, a girl who let others dictate boundaries, a girl who was constantly dieting and “whipping herself into shape” in order to be thin, beautiful and accepted.

My life was clouded by self-doubt, panic attacks, poor relationships and an eating disorder.

The irony of it all:

I couldn’t actually be kind to anyone else – because I couldn’t be kind to myself.

• I couldn’t show kindness to my friends –  because I was desperate and needy. I pushed them away because I didn’t believe I was worthy of love.
• I couldn’t show kindness to my partner – because he was busy taking care of me while I suffered through depression and anxiety.
• I couldn’t show kindness to strangers – because I was too busy comparing myself with them and judging them.

But all that changed when I realized that self kindness wasn’t selfish.

Self kindness is vital to ALL kindness. I began to speak to myself as I would a friend.

If I was sick, sad or suffering, I would imagine that I was speaking to a small hurt child or a dear loved one.

Slowly but surely, my inner bully began to morph into my inner bestie.

The more I practiced self kindness, the more I cultivated a sense of worthiness, resilience and grounded calm. I was able to love more fully, connect more deeply and bounce back from set-backs more quickly.

One of my favorite quotes is…

I have come to believe that caring for myself is not self indulgent. Caring for myself is an act of survival. – Audre Lorde

Releasing the idea that self kindness was akin to selfishness allowed me to gently explore the idea of nurturing myself.

• Instead of undertaking punishing workouts and pushing through injuries, I was able to rest when I needed it.
• Instead of being stuck on the diet-binge-self-loathing roller-coaster (the most un-fun roller-coaster ever!), I was able to heal my emotional eating issues.
• Instead of unhealthy relationships defined by poor boundaries and power plays – I was able to give and accept love in a balanced way.

I’ve learned self kindness in many ways.

Through mindfulness, meditation, yoga, Pilates, counselling hypnotherapy, intuitive eating, practising gratitude and absorbing positive wisdom from books and blogs (like Karen Salmansohn’s).

It’s been a long and rewarding journey.

But like many great feats in life – self-kindness IS a practice.

It’s certainly not something I’ve mastered, but I give it a red hot go each day.

Written and shared with love by Tahlee Rouillon.

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