I used to have a thing for dating “
1. Harsh Start Ups
So, how can one do a swerve-a-roo from downward spiral to an upward spiraling of thriving love?
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(2) comments
I am 48 and I dated a man aged 50 for 15 months who couldn’t repair and yes, when he stonewalled , he would say, “you’ve made your point”, “this isn’t up for debate”, or ” I would be in tears and he’d say ” what’s wrong?”, in an uncaring manner. This made me feel low and disrespected. He told me I made a big deal out of everything and I should keep it to myself. He never apologised when he hurt me, which was often, but if he hurt or offended a stranger or one of his friends, he would say sorry. I always felt at the bottom of his list and emotionally detached. He lacked empathy and could turn his back and dump me and I often felt abandoned. The trust was gone within the first month of the relationship because he would say he would do something and not do it, let me down. Once he boarded a plane and left me behind. On my birthday, he didn’t nothing , not even a phone call and he went out and partied all night without me. To make letting me down upto me, he booked a weekend away which we didn’t go on because he got an offer after we booked to go fishing with his mates instead. I was always hurt, went through 30 boxes of tissues and always let down. I tried to run and blocked his calls but he chased me down and prayed on my empathy. I have read Gottman’s book ” what makes loves last ” about attunement and we never had it. I asked him if he could read Gottman, watch videos of Gottman , go to Gottman therapy and put us first, but he didn’t value the relationship and I said goodbye. I really loved him and he said I was great to him, so it’s sad but a reality that many people do not value love and are not prepared to do what it takes to save it and make it work. You cannot change these people. I also belive in innate traits such as compassion, empathy, caring, soothing, nurturing and resolving cannot be learned. It is innate, like language. Life is too short to waste time on a partner who does not have these innate qualities and you do or value your feelings and comfort your pain to build a strong partnership. There are plenty of loving compassionate people out there. After this nightmare, I truly believe that all those that cannot say sorry, listen to your feelings, see your pain, switch off and don’t take responsibility and cannot repair effectively belong together, that’s my opinion. We sensitive, caring, understanding ones who nurture love should be finding each other or be alone until that right, not perfect, but right person comes along.
ReplyI am a 48 Y.O woman and I dated a man aged 50 for 15 months who couldn’t repair and
yes, when he stonewalled , he would say, “you’ve made your point”, “this
isn’t up for debate”, or ” I would be in tears and he’d say ” what’s
wrong?”,” why you crying?” in an uncaring manner. This made me feel low and disrespected. He couldn’t soothe or comfort.
He told me I made a big deal out of everything and I should keep it to
myself. He never apologised when he hurt me, which was often, but if he
hurt or offended a stranger or one of his friends, he would say sorry. I
always felt at the bottom of his list and emotionally detached. He
lacked empathy and could turn his back and dump me and I often felt
abandoned. The trust was gone within the first month of the relationship
because he would say he would do something and not do it. I was let down weekly and couldn’t trust my heart and feelings with him to take care of.
I openly expressed my concerns and hurt to him, but his lack of empathy and feelings meant I was left feeling alone. Once he boarded a plane and left me behind. On my birthday, he didn’t
nothing , not even a phone call and he went out and partied all night
without me. To make it better for all the “letting me down” he booked a weekend away
which we didn’t go on because he got an offer after we booked to go
fishing with his mates instead. He never went fishing as that was canned, so all that pain for nothing. I was always hurt, went through 30 boxes
of tissues and always let down. I tried to run and blocked his calls
but he chased me down and prayed on my empathy. I have read Gottman’s
book ” what makes loves last ” about attunement and we never had it. I
asked him if he could read Gottman, watch videos of Gottman , go to
Gottman therapy and put us first, but he didn’t value the relationship
and I said goodbye. I really loved him and he said I was great to him,
so it’s sad but a reality that many people do not value love and are not
prepared to do what it takes to save it and make it work. You cannot
change these people. I also believe in innate traits such as compassion,
empathy, caring, soothing, nurturing and resolving cannot be learned.
It is innate, like language. Life is too short to waste time on a
partner who does not have these innate qualities or value
your feelings and comfort your pain to build a strong partnership.
There are plenty of loving compassionate people out there. After this
nightmare, I truly believe that all those that cannot say sorry, listen
to your feelings, see your pain, switch off and don’t take
responsibility for the pain they cause you and cannot repair effectively belong together, that’s my
opinion. We sensitive, caring, understanding ones who nurture love
should be finding each other or be alone until that right, not perfect,
but right person comes along.
