27 Funny Witty Quotes About Life, Work, Friends and Love

Some things are better left unsaid. Unfortunately I often realize this after I’ve said them.

If you love someone let them go. If they come back with coffee it was meant to be.

I’m guessing I burn about 1,000 calories every time I try to put a fitted sheet on a bed by myself.

During the day I don’t believe in ghosts. At night I become a bit more open-minded.

It’s either me or my home. It seems both of us can’t look good at the same time.

Smile. Be happy. Whatever’s happening, nothing sucks forever. -Karen Salmansohn

Thou shalt not judge too harshly because thou has messed up in the past also. – Karen Salmansohn

Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel and misinterpret what other people mean.

It’s called an occupation. Not a preoccupation. It’s called success. Not obsess. It’s called being in a business. Not being in abyss-ness. It’s called giving yourself a break to avoid a breakdown. It’s called being good to you. – Karen Salmansohn

This too shall pass. It might pass like a kidney stone, but it will pass.

You either like me or you don’t. It took me 20-something years to learn how to love myself. I don’t have that kinda time to convince somebody else. – Daniel Franzese

Every day I understand the phrase, “I’m getting too old for this crap,” on a deeper level.

Mean people don’t bother me. But mean people who disguise themselves as nice people bother me a lot. -Cindy Cummings Johnson

I wish people came with a 30 second trailer so I can see what I’m getting myself into. – Karen Salmansohn

You know you’re an adult when you get excited to just go home.

Ooops! Sorry I didn’t respond to your text. I answered it in my head, and thought it was in real life.

Me trying to excel in my career, maintain a social life, drink enough water, exercise, text everyone back, stay sane, survive and be happy.

A big secret for happiness: Ignore people who do crappy things to you. – Karen Salmansohn

Life is ironic. It takes depression to know happiness. Plus it takes stress to understand calm. And it takes absence to value presence.

An hour of worry is even more exhausting than an hour at the gym. Let it go. – Karen Salmansohn

Let’s stop asking people: What do you like to do in your free time? At this point, we all just watch Netflix.

I’m always hitting “remind me later” for software updates. Then one day I realized, hmmm, that’ sort of symbolic of how I am dealing with some things in my life. – Karen Salmansohn

Why is it that every time I lose my phone it’s always on either silent or vibrate?

When I tell my kids I will do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is: Please forget.

I’m finally old enough to be the grandmother to my inner child. So now I’m spoiling my inner child, and giving them all the love they might have missed out on! – Karen Salmansohn

Laundry Schedule: Sort – today. Wash – later. Fold – eventually. Iron – ha, ha, ha.

One of the biggest lies I tell myself: I don’t have to write that down. I’ll remember it.