The Rise of Loneliness: How Life Programs Us to Feel Isolated

Learn about the rise of loneliness – and how to feel less isolated – from a bestselling wellness author and leading Behavioral Change Expert.

Imagine this: Your smartphone has 500+ contacts. And your social media feeds are bursting with updates.

Yet, somehow enjoying a real, live human connection… well, that’s become a more challenging event.

It’s ironic, isn’t it? We can ping a message to anyone – anywhere in the world – in mere seconds – however – the loneliness epidemic is becoming very real.

• Global Issue: Loneliness is touching lives across continents. Extensive research covering 113 countries has highlighted that about one-third of people in industrialized nations report feeling lonely. That’s a whole lot of us glancing at our phones, hoping for a meaningful connection.
• Health Consequences: The impact of loneliness extends far beyond feeling blue. Research has shown that chronic loneliness can be as harmful to our health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. This startling statistic places loneliness not just as a social issue, but as a significant health risk, increasing the likelihood of diseases such as heart disease and stroke. It’s a wake-up call – highlighting the need for stronger community bonds and genuine, heartfelt connections.
• Taking Action: Recognizing the profound impact of loneliness, some countries are stepping up their game. The UK, for instance, appointed the world’s first minister for loneliness. That’s a government role dedicated entirely to combating loneliness.

Why The Rise In Loneliness?

Loneliness is becoming deeply woven into the fabric of modern society – thanks to a few key factors.

First, there’s urban planning. You’d think that living in packed cities would make us feel less alone, right? Wrong. Modern cities aren’t designed like the old village square where everyone borrowed tools from each other and knew each other’s names.

Today, cities prioritize efficiency and speed over neighborly visits. The result? We’re all speed-walking through life with Bluetooth headphones, avoiding eye contact.

Next up, there’s the impact of technology. Sure, we can video call someone on the other side of the planet, but most of our “connections” are shallow. Social media gives us the illusion of a bustling social life. However, it’s mostly just a highlight reel of people’s best moments – mixed with some politically charged rants and videos of dogs skateboarding.

Our phones keep us company. But it’s a little like keeping a mannequin in your passenger seat to use the carpool lane.

The Biological Backdrop on The Rise of Loneliness

Humans are pack animals. We’re not exactly wolves, but our social wiring is similar.

We thrive on mutual grooming – metaphorically speaking.

For example – we like heart-to-heart talks and those solid “I got your back” moments that make us feel less alone in a crazy world.

But here’s where modern life drops the ball.

It’s like someone took our pack and scattered it across a hyper-efficient, overly digital savannah.

Now, instead of face-to-face interactions, we get face-to-screen time.

Our apartments have turned into little isolation pods.

And our primary emotional interactions are with Alexa or Siri. “Hey Siri, am I lonely?” Spoiler alert: Siri doesn’t have the answer.

What happens next? Our brain, this ancient organ fine-tuned for group survival, hits the panic button.

No tribe? Then it must be danger time!

And so we slip into a sort of psychological survival mode. It’s no wonder everyone is stocking up on canned goods and apocalypse kits.

Basically, our bodies don’t really know that being alone in our home isn’t the same as being left alone in the wild. But try telling that to our adrenal glands!

As a result, our brains haven’t quite caught up to our new more isolated realities, where being physically alone in your screen-lit cave doesn’t mean you’re actually in survival mode.

And so people are not only feeling lonely – they’re feeling anxious too!

(Note: I share about this more in my self-paced and therapist recommended audio and video program: The Anxiety Cure Course.)

The Vicious Cycle of the Lonely Brain

When you’re feeling lonely, it’s almost as if your brain turns into your least helpful friend, the kind who whispers doom and gloom right when you need a pep talk.

Instead of a helpful, cheerful voice encouraging you to mingle, you’ve got this inner monologue that’s convinced disaster is waiting with every hello.

Social interactions, which used to be as easy as slipping into a favorite pair of jeans, now feel like you’re stepping into high heels for the first time – wobbly, uncertain, and pretty sure you’re going to fall flat on your face.

Every pause in the conversation  – and every missed joke – and every not-quite-right sarcastic comment – all of these things suddenly feel more worrisome – like you’ve lost your ability to connect.

Eventually, over time, instead of scouting for new friends, your brain is on a constant lookout for threats, exhausting itself in the process.

This ramped-up anxiety about interactions turns socializing into a dreaded chore.

And what do you do when you dread something? You avoid it –  finding excuses to stay alone in your home –  screening calls.

And so loneliness eventually become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Spotting the Signs of Loneliness

How do you know if you’re lonely? If you’re reading this on your fourth hour of scrolling through social media, that might be a clue.

Plus, sometimes loneliness shows up as a weird urge to start conversations with strangers.

For example, you might find yourself oversharing with the barista who knows your order by heart – but not your last name. A simple question from your barista – about your choice of milk – can suddenly become an opening to spill your worries and dreams. Why? This stranger feels safer than your friends and family to talk to – because there’s no risk in telling things to someone who has no stake in your everyday life.

Basically, loneliness isn’t about the quantity of your interactions. But the quality. It’s the feeling that you’re skimming the surface of relationships – when you crave depth and connection.

Breaking the Cycle of Loneliness

Breaking out of this cycle of loneliness requires recognizing your patterns –  then doing the exact opposite of what they dictate.

Easier said than done, sure. But it’s essential.

Now that you know exactly how you found yourself in a loneliness spiral, here’s how to pull a U-turn.

3 research-backed strategies to help combat loneliness:

1. Community Engagement: It’s time to get local, like, really local. Studies suggest that involvement in local community activities can significantly reduce feelings of loneliness. Whether it’s a cooking class, volunteering at an animal shelter, or joining a dodgeball league, get involved. It’s not just about filling your calendar. It’s about creating repeated, meaningful interactions with the same group of people.
2. Tech Time-Outs: Put down the smartphone. Seriously, put it down. Research from the University of Pennsylvania found that limiting social media use to 30 minutes a day significantly improves overall well-being. Start by carving out tech-free times during your day or week. Use this time to engage in activities that require real human interaction. Even if it’s just a coffee run without your phone in hand.
3. Therapy and Mindfulness Practices: Sometimes, you need to dig a little deeper to untangle the roots of loneliness. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) has been shown to help by changing the negative thought patterns that can fuel feelings of isolation. Mindfulness and meditation can also help by improving your ability to be present with others, reducing anxiety around social interactions.

If you find yourself needing more personalized support to overcome your feelings of loneliness, let’s chat. I’m not only a leading Behavioral Change Expert – I’m also a recognized Mindset Mastery Coach.

>> Join me for a 1-on-1 Mindset Mastery Session on Zoom.

Recap: The Rise of Loneliness

Loneliness might feel like the modern plague. But it doesn’t have to be your personal apocalypse.  Maybe it’s time to turn off Netflix and step outside to meet a friend for coffee or a pottery class together. By actively engaging in strategies to counteract loneliness, you can find your way back to feeling connected.

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