Let’s be honest: most of us avoid talking about difficult topics. And not just with our partners; with our friends, family members, and even ourselves. The hard talks are about vulnerability, empathy, and raw emotions. They can alter the structure of a relationship and can change the way your partner sees you (and vice-versa, of course).
Yet, life has a way of throwing hard things your way. Whether it’s financial difficulties, health problems, or the loss of a loved one, tough things will come for you and your romantic bliss. And when they come, you need a partner you can turn to for support and understanding.
So, it’s best to have the hard talks sooner rather than later. In this post, we’ve prepared a few tips to help you ease into some of the ‘what ifs’ that so many couples avoid. It won’t be easy, but with the right approach, you can reach a deeper level of intimacy with your partner.
If you ask a couples therapist, they’ll tell you that avoiding hard talks is one of the most significant sources of distance and distress in a relationship.
The biggest driver is fear. Fear of losing the current, albeit fragile, equilibrium. People are afraid of what the conversation will do to the relationship (change it, destroy it, make it worse). Plus, if you or your partner are conflict-avoidant, the situation won’t get any better.
Then there’s the lack of skills and low emotional intelligence. Many people simply haven’t been taught how to have a productive, difficult conversation, while also managing the strong emotions that surface.
This is why every therapist or counselor keeps drumming on that good communication is one of the easiest ways to improve an unhappy marriage. When you’re open to talk and listen, you learn how to relate to the other person’s needs without losing sight of your own.
Now, let’s get into the nitty-gritty of things and see how to approach three very uncomfortable topics: financial problems, breakups, and health issues.
Talking about finances is often one of the hardest conversations because it touches on power, security, identity, and shared future. The key is to approach the topic as a team facing a challenge, not as two individuals pointing fingers at each other.
Ask open-ended questions, like “How would you feel if I made more money than you?” or “What financial goals do you need to achieve to feel successful?” Keep the discussion going based on the replies you receive, and encourage your partner to ask questions as well.
This conversation is not about planning the end; it’s about safeguarding your emotional and practical well-being today by addressing your deepest anxieties.
If children are involved (or will be), you need to know how your partner sees this scenario. Focus on the practical aspects, such as division of assets, children/pets custody, and more. It may sound harsh, but when a relationship ends, these are the biggest problems.
For couples that are heading towards marriage, this is where you bring up the prenup. If you’re not sure what it implies or why you would need one, talk to a local lawyer about the power of prenuptial agreements and how they can strengthen your bond.
Will your partner stay by your side if you can’t work anymore? Will they care for you if you can’t get out of bed for weeks on end? Are you willing to care for them in similar cases?
Don’t leave the answers to “Of course, honey!” or “You know I would!” Discuss caregiving roles in a variety of scenarios, starting with common illnesses in both families. Also, talk about the support the sick partner can offer to the caregiving partner (a relationship is a two-way street).
Finally, discuss medical decisions and end-of-life wishes in the event of a terminal diagnosis. It may feel morbid to have this talk, but death and illness are also part of life. And a good life together means getting to know your person’s deepest thoughts and desires.
Hard talks can bring the mood down, so don’t forget to talk about your dreams and hopes for the future. What if you can accomplish everything you set out to? What would such a life look like for both of you?
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