There’s a great quote in that wonderful tale, “The Little Prince” where the Prince wisely says: “It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.”
What this quote describes is “soulmate love” — which is a far more mature love than “egomate love” — which too many people get tricked into seeking — and thereby never finding true love and true happiness.
In case you’ve been foolishly getting “soulmate love” confused with its lesser”egomate love” fake and faux pas imitiation — here are some helpful reminders …
Soulmate
A soulmate is someone whom when you meet — without thinking – without letting your neocortex play into the decision – you feel an instant familiarity, a sense of connection, a longing.
Egomate
An egomate is someone who you instantly want because you know they will “look good to others” – because this person is beautiful or rich, or has some ego massaging quality. But this thing you like about this person is a generic superficial quality — rather than the dynamic and tingly connection you feel when with this person.
Soulmate
A soulmate is someone who you could spend a great deal of time with just sitting on a sofa and feel happy. You don’t need fanfare. You don’t need to go out to expensive restaurants. Just being with them cuddling and kissing feels like a vacation.
Egomate
An egomate is someone who you need to spend lots of money on and do ritzy activities with to fully feel the excitement of being with them.
Soulmate
A soulmate is someone who you miss when they’re not around – and can even lose sleep over. When you talk about this person to friends, you might mention their looks or money, but you mainly talk about what makes them special to you – those deeper, less
superficial qualities which are about connecting soul to soul.
You feel a passionate friendship for this person.
Egomate
An egomate is someone who when you talk about this person to friends, you mainly talk about this person as being rich or beautiful — or any of a variety their trophy qualities which build up your ego. If you’re honest with yourself, some part of you doesn’t respect this partner of yours on certain levels — or even like them as a friend. Indeed if you weren’t dating this person, you might not even be friends with them. Perhaps you even feel a bit bored by them if you spend too much time alone in their company or sitting on a sofa just talking. But your ego overpowers your instincts, because your ego loves talking about how rich or beautiful this person is – and impressing friends and family.
Soulmate
You’re not looking for perfection in your partner. Perfection is all about the ego. With soulmate love you know that true love is what happens when disappointment sets in – and you’re willing to deal maturely with these disappointments. You recognize nobody is perfect. Not only does your partner have imperfections, so do you. And because you value the deep love and connection you are lucky enough to share, you choose to work on your problems and grow as individuals and as a couple. With soulmate love, you’re not only finally ready to wear your heart on your sleeve, but roll up your sleeves and do the necessary work. Your goal with a soulmate is to create the most fabulous “inside world” – inside yourself as a growing individuals and inside your private relationship as a thriving couple.
Egomate
Your ego cares about perfection. A lot. In particular your ego cares about your partner appearing perfect to the outside world. You’re less forgiving about imperfections in your partner because of your ego – because you take your partner’s imperfections personally — as showing you as being imperfect — and your ego does not like your not being perfect. So you put a high priority on looking super cool and perfect to others. Indeed, you are so blinded by the image perks your uber-gorgeous or uber-rich partner offers up. that there’s an immature part of you who doesn’t really feel the need to connect in friendship with your partner – or grow as a person when problems arise in the relationship. You just care about the “ego symbols” you are showing to the outside world.
Soulmate
Your partner could gain weight, lose all their money, lose all their hair - and you wouldn’t care. You love them for their core self.
Egomate
If your partner gained weight, lost their money, lost their hair, you’d lose your “ego symbol”and thereby feel less attracted to this person and want to break up.
In summary: Soulmate love is far more satisfying. Afterall, looks and money can (and often) fade. But a bad personality and bad values and a bad intimacy connection are forever.
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How’s your love life these days? Is there still loving love in your relationship?
If your sweetie did something…well, unsweet, and youre upset… remember how you talk and listen to each other, will determine whether or not you remain with each other.
Darlene Mininni, Phd, author of the book THE EMOTIONAL TOOLKIT, has some helpful tips to make sure your honest conversations don’t become your last conversations.
1. Begin difficult conversations WITHOUT criticism. According to Gottman’s research from The Love Lab, 96% of the time you can predict how a conversation will end based on its first three minutes. So make sure you don’t start out BLAMING – or calling the person an uncaring person. If you do, then your sweetie will spend more time defending themselves, than attending to your needs and feelings. Instead, explain how the situation affects you – affects your feelings, values, goals. After your talk, your sweetie should then repeat back how they hear what you feel, so they can fully empathise – be in your shoes, head, heart — thereby increasing their listening and empathy power – which will increase your ability to find a loving solution power!
2. Don’t try to convince your sweetie you are right and they are wrong. When you feel attacked by your sweetie’s actions/words, it’s normal to want to defend yourself - to explain all the reasons why you are right and your sweetie is wrong. Whether your tone is loving or combative, the underlying thinking is the same: “Once your sweetie realizes how wrong they are, they will change!” Guess what? It ain’t so! So stop trying to focus on winning your arguments. Instead try to focus on having a winning relationship! How? Try talking in “I” sentences instead of “you” sentences – so you speak more about how you feel. (And NO.. “I think you are a jerk is NOT an example of an “I” statement!) Your goal is to get your sweetie to EMPATHISE with you. So forget about facts. Keep staying with your feelings, values, dreams. From this place of empathy, perhaps your sweetie will better hear you — and thereby want to find a way to take care of your needs and feelings (aka: want to change their evil ways!).
3. When you’re angry, calm yourself before you begin communicating. Although studies show that yelling is better than stonewalling, because at least it’s about intimately connecting with your sweetie, and showing you care enough to want to deal with the problem at hand – alas, yelling has its share of problems as well. Studies show that when people rant and yell, they just get angrier. The best strategy: Wait until you’ve calmed down to speak to your sweetie. Interesting factoid: If you and/or your sweetie’s heartbeat becomes higher than 100 beats per minute during an argument, you will not be able to fully hear what the other person is saying. This physical reason alone is good reason not to yell – as it will only stymie your attempts to communicate, frustrating you further. Also, studies show that a strong emotion like anger literally interferes with your ability to think rightly. When you’re angry parts of your brain’s processing become blocked, and it’s literally more difficult to think clearly and solve problems. Keep in mind a ditty Einstein once said: “The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level thinking we were at when we created them.”
4. Never share important conversations by emailing back and forth. Or texting. (Yes some couples talk about important issues by text!). You need to sit in the same room, and if possible hold each other’s hands as you have your difficult conversations. This sense of touch will keep you reminded about your goal: to share a loving, empathic conversation.
5. After a conflict, you need to put in the effort of repair. Gottman suggests you need a ratio of 5 to 1 nice/nasty moments- that’s 5 nice moments to 1 nasty moment. After a conflict, send loving emails, do loving gestures, share what you love and appreciate about each other out loud — or in quiet, sexy whispers.
6. Don’t obsess about the past. Once a disagreement or difficult situation has occurred, and you’ve talked empathically about, do not ruminate about it. Forgive and forget. What you should be focusing on after your talk is: Does my sweetie want to change so this conflict does not repeat. If your sweetie is putting in the effort of change — then, well, your sweetie truly is a sweetie, and you should let them know how much you appreciate their efforts
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Have you taken a look at some of those newfangled juice names: Get Smart Juice, Passion Power, Energy Hound, Hocus Focus, B- Relaxed, D-Stress.
So many juices promising so many benefits!
But nobody makes Compassion Cocktail or Niceness Nectar! Nobody makes a juice which makes you nicer or more considerate, offers up the potential for building up a bigger, warmer heart!
I know what you’re thinking: Maybe the manufacturers just can’t make it!
But, I’m betting if there were money to be made in Compassion Cocktail or Niceness Nectar, companies would find a way to make that juice.
Besides, are you really sure any of those other juices (like Passion Power and Hocus Focus) work anyway?
And yet you buy them, just for the hope they will help.
The harsh truth is companies would never even bother to put in the research to create a Compassion Cocktail or a Niceness Nectar, because they have a corporate sense that niceness, compassion and consideration are just not valued enough in this world to sell to the masses!
Which kind of explains much of the mess our world is in globally. And why people are so unhappy personally.
Kindness, compassion and consideration are key TRUE HAPPINESS DETERMINATORS, right on up there with having high self esteem and sharing intimate connections with others. Which makes sense, because the kinder you are in life, the more you raise your self esteem and the more you increase your connections with others.
Plus, here are some other quickie quirky facts on the perks of kindness…
University of Michigan reported nice is healthier. Older Americans who provide support to others, either through volunteer work or simply by being a good friend and neighbor, had a 60 percent lower rate of premature death than their unhelpful peers.
University of Toronto reported that nice is luckier in love. People who are low key and congenial have one half the divorce rate of the general population.
Malcolm Gladwell in his book Blink reported that nice spends less time in court. Doctors who had never been sued spoke to their patients for an average of three minutes longer than physicians who had been sued twice or more.
And according to positive psychology professor and author Martin Seligman, the biggest feelings of happiness come from leading “a meaningful life,” using personal strengths to be of kindly, altruistic service.
In an experiment called “Philanthropy versus Fun,” Seligman divided his psychology students so some engaged in pleasurable activities (going to the movies, eating yummy ice cream) and the others did philanthropic activities (volunteering at a soup kitchen, reading to the blind).
Guess what?
The happiness afterglow of the fun was nada compared to the lasting happiness of doing altruistic acts.
Meaning?
Doing good for others will also make you feel good—and, according to Seligman, your highest level of feel-good.
Your Assignment: Today be aware of doing small kindnesses to others. Give an extra smile, sweet gesture, warm compliment, generous favor. Also, ask your self what loving deed can you do? How can you help those in greater need? Consider getting involved with a charity where you can make an ongoing contribution.
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