People stay in bad relationships longer than they should because fear of the pain of dating seems scarier than the pain of a bad relationship.
People prefer to cling to the familiar even when it’s painful rather than stretching themselves with the hope of expanding their happiness.
Before I encourage you to take the leap into the great unknown, I want to encourage you to take a good look at where you’re at right now. And I don’t mean looking at your partner through a magnifying lens. I mean looking at yourself in the mirror.If you break up with your partner without really looking at yourself in the mirror, you could be on your way to duplicating your love problems in your future relationships just like in Groundhog Day—over and over.
Remember: You are the common denominator in all your relationship problems.
Wherever you go, your pesky repeated issues go until you shed a blazing light of insight upon them.
1. Set aside time to talk with your partner about your childhoods—the good, bad and the dysfunctional. Recognize there’s often a “repetition compulsion” at the root of ongoing conflicts. Openly discuss the psychological belief that you choose your partner because they subconsciously represent the best and worst of your parents. Your subconscious’s goal is to recreate unresolved childhood issues and then hopefully mend them. Explore how you might more lovingly help each other unload emotional baggage for good.
2. Swap same-value complaint cards with your partner like same-value baseball cards. Start by sharing a tiny, annoyingly irksome complaint about each other’s habits. Afterward, build up to a huge complaint. The reason it’s good to swap? Both of you must empathize with how it feels to be told you’re annoyingly irksome. Plus, you’ll both feel an equal sense of “growth opportunity” because you will both have an equal amount of issues to work on for the sake of happily-ever-after love.
3. Is there something you’re hurt about or worried about and you haven’t told your partner yet? And now it’s hurting your love because you expect your partner to be a mind reader? Hate to break it to you, but even mind readers are not mind readers. Speak up! If something is on your mind, share it. One of my favorite quotes is from Emile Zola: “I came into this world to live out loud!” Your love life is only as strong as your open communication.
4. Is your partner getting on your nerves because of static clinging? Do you take enough breaks and give each other enough space? The best relationship is one that does not foster too much independence nor too much dependence, but exists in the healthy interdependence zone.
5. Are there deal breakers you’re just realizing you have? Are these true deal breakers, like: “He’s a cheater,” “He’s a liar,” “He hits me,” “He’s a gambler,” “He’s a jobless mooch,” “He doesn’t want to have children and I do” and “He has an addiction he’s not dealing with.” If your partner has a real deal breaker, that is a good reason to leave the relationship. However, be aware that sometimes what you think is a deal breaker could be turned into a “deal bender.” Some examples: “He stonewalls when he’s upset,” “He’s not physically affectionate enough” and “He’s too much of a couch potato.” If your issue is a potential “deal bender,” be sure to share your concerns.
WARNING: If you don’t talk about your fears and needs, you can risk becoming a “negative evidence collector” by continually looking for evidence of your partner being no good, even when there’s no good reason for it. Stop having a silent fight with your partner. Start having an open, warm conversation instead.
6. Are you sweating the small stuff so much that you’re harming your relationship? Even though I’m telling you to talk openly with your partner, I want you to do this within a moderation zone. Set the following intention: “I will not complain about anything to my partner for the next three days.” Would this be a hard intention for you to fulfill? If so, maybe you’re looking at your partner through an incredibly negative lens because you’re overworked and underexercised. Take a yoga class. Meditate. When you’re stressed, moodiness and irritability increase—two love-busters you want to avoid!
7. Women love shoes. If you want to get more shoes as you get more love, put yourself in your partner’s shoes more often. You will understand how your partner feels and feel more love for your partner, instead of feeling like he’s a big creepy jerk you need to break up with. As Steve Covey so wisely put it: “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”
8. The philosopher Aristotle believed there are three kinds of relationships, and only one brings true happiness. There’s a relationship of pleasure quickly summed up as sex-mates not fulfilling in the long run. Then, the relationship of utility where partners use one another for beauty, money or status, which are also not fulfilling for the long haul. The final type is the relationship of shared virtue. You understood each other and you want to help each other grow into your best possible selves. Aristotle deemed these partners soul mates or “soul-nurturing mates.” He believed being with someone who helped you grow into your best possible self was not only what long-term happily-ever-after love was all about, but also what a long-term happily-ever-after life was all about. For this reason, you must recognize that it’s appropriate for a love relationship to have some challenge within it to help you to grow. Like Jack Nicholson’s character in As Good As It Gets said: “You make me want to be a better man.” Are you and your partner in a relationship of shared virtue where the challenges can be wonderful growth opportunities? Keep in mind a favorite quote from Leo Buscaglia, who said: “A great deterrent to love is found in anyone who fears change, for…growing, learning, experiencing is change. Change is inevitable.”
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Hi I’m Karen Salmansohn, founder of NotSalmon. My mission is to offer you easy-to-understand insights and tools to empower you to bloom into your happiest, highest potential self. I use playful analogies, feisty humor, and stylish graphics to distill big ideas – going as far back as ancient wisdom from Aristotle, Buddhism and Darwin to the latest research studies from Cognitive Therapy, Neuro Linquistic Programming, Neuroscience, Positive Psychology, Quantum Physics, Nutritional Studies – and then some.
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