Soulmate or Egomate?

There’s a great quote in that wonderful tale, "The Little Prince" where the Prince wisely says: "It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."

What this quote describes is “soulmate love" -- which is a far more mature love than “egomate love" -- which too many people get tricked into seeking -- and thereby never finding true love and true happiness.

In case you’ve been foolishly getting "soulmate love" confused with its lesser"egomate love" fake and faux pas imitiation -- here are some helpful reminders ...

Soulmate

A soulmate is someone whom when you meet -- without thinking – without letting your neocortex play into the decision – you feel an instant familiarity, a sense of connection, a longing.

Egomate

An egomate is someone who you instantly want because you know they will “look good to others” – because this person is beautiful or rich, or has some ego massaging quality. But this thing you like about this person is a generic superficial quality -- rather than the dynamic and tingly connection you feel when with this person.

Soulmate

A soulmate is someone who you could spend a great deal of time with just sitting on a sofa and feel happy. You don’t need fanfare. You don’t need to go out to expensive restaurants. Just being with them cuddling and kissing feels like a vacation.

Egomate

An egomate is someone who you need to spend lots of money on and do ritzy activities with to fully feel the excitement of being with them.

Soulmate

A soulmate is someone who you miss when they’re not around – and can even lose sleep over. When you talk about this person to friends, you might mention their looks or money, but you mainly talk about what makes them special to you – those deeper, less
superficial qualities which are about connecting soul to soul.
You feel a passionate friendship for this person.

Egomate

An egomate is someone who when you talk about this person to friends, you mainly talk about this person as being rich or beautiful -- or any of a variety their trophy qualities which build up your ego. If you’re honest with yourself, some part of you doesn’t respect this partner of yours on certain levels -- or even like them as a friend. Indeed if you weren’t dating this person, you might not even be friends with them. Perhaps you even feel a bit bored by them if you spend too much time alone in their company or sitting on a sofa just talking. But your ego overpowers your instincts, because your ego loves talking about how rich or beautiful this person is – and impressing friends and family.

Soulmate

You’re not looking for perfection in your partner. Perfection is all about the ego. With soulmate love you know that true love is what happens when disappointment sets in – and you’re willing to deal maturely with these disappointments. You recognize nobody is perfect. Not only does your partner have imperfections, so do you. And because you value the deep love and connection you are lucky enough to share, you choose to work on your problems and grow as individuals and as a couple. With soulmate love, you’re not only finally ready to wear your heart on your sleeve, but roll up your sleeves and do the necessary work. Your goal with a soulmate is to create the most fabulous “inside world” – inside yourself as a growing individuals and inside your private relationship as a thriving couple.

Egomate

Your ego cares about perfection. A lot. In particular your ego cares about your partner appearing perfect to the outside world. You’re less forgiving about imperfections in your partner because of your ego – because you take your partner’s imperfections personally -- as showing you as being imperfect -- and your ego does not like your not being perfect. So you put a high priority on looking super cool and perfect to others. Indeed, you are so blinded by the image perks your uber-gorgeous or uber-rich partner offers up. that there’s an immature part of you who doesn’t really feel the need to connect in friendship with your partner – or grow as a person when problems arise in the relationship. You just care about the “ego symbols” you are showing to the outside world.

Soulmate

Your partner could gain weight, lose all their money, lose all their hair - and you wouldn’t care. You love them for their core self.

Egomate

If your partner gained weight, lost their money, lost their hair, you’d lose your “ego symbol”and thereby feel less attracted to this person and want to break up.

In summary: Soulmate love is far more satisfying. Afterall, looks and money can (and often) fade. But a bad personality and bad values and a bad intimacy connection are forever.

Fighting With Your Sweetie?

How's your love life these days? Is there still loving love in your relationship?

If your sweetie did something…well, unsweet, and youre upset... remember how you talk and listen to each other, will determine whether or not you remain with each other.
Darlene Mininni, Phd, author of the book THE EMOTIONAL TOOLKIT, has some helpful tips to make sure your honest conversations don’t become your last conversations.

1. Begin difficult conversations WITHOUT criticism. According to Gottman’s research from The Love Lab, 96% of the time you can predict how a conversation will end based on its first three minutes. So make sure you don’t start out BLAMING – or calling the person an uncaring person. If you do, then your sweetie will spend more time defending themselves, than attending to your needs and feelings. Instead, explain how the situation affects you – affects your feelings, values, goals. After your talk, your sweetie should then repeat back how they hear what you feel, so they can fully empathise – be in your shoes, head, heart -- thereby increasing their listening and empathy power – which will increase your ability to find a loving solution power!

2. Don’t try to convince your sweetie you are right and they are wrong. When you feel attacked by your sweetie’s actions/words, it’s normal to want to defend yourself - to explain all the reasons why you are right and your sweetie is wrong. Whether your tone is loving or combative, the underlying thinking is the same: “Once your sweetie realizes how wrong they are, they will change!” Guess what? It ain’t so! So stop trying to focus on winning your arguments. Instead try to focus on having a winning relationship! How? Try talking in “I” sentences instead of “you” sentences – so you speak more about how you feel. (And NO.. “I think you are a jerk is NOT an example of an “I” statement!) Your goal is to get your sweetie to EMPATHISE with you. So forget about facts. Keep staying with your feelings, values, dreams. From this place of empathy, perhaps your sweetie will better hear you -- and thereby want to find a way to take care of your needs and feelings (aka: want to change their evil ways!).

3. When you’re angry, calm yourself before you begin communicating. Although studies show that yelling is better than stonewalling, because at least it’s about intimately connecting with your sweetie, and showing you care enough to want to deal with the problem at hand – alas, yelling has its share of problems as well. Studies show that when people rant and yell, they just get angrier. The best strategy: Wait until you’ve calmed down to speak to your sweetie. Interesting factoid: If you and/or your sweetie’s heartbeat becomes higher than 100 beats per minute during an argument, you will not be able to fully hear what the other person is saying. This physical reason alone is good reason not to yell – as it will only stymie your attempts to communicate, frustrating you further. Also, studies show that a strong emotion like anger literally interferes with your ability to think rightly. When you’re angry parts of your brain’s processing become blocked, and it’s literally more difficult to think clearly and solve problems. Keep in mind a ditty Einstein once said: "The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level thinking we were at when we created them."

4. Never share important conversations by emailing back and forth. Or texting. (Yes some couples talk about important issues by text!). You need to sit in the same room, and if possible hold each other's hands as you have your difficult conversations. This sense of touch will keep you reminded about your goal: to share a loving, empathic conversation.

5. After a conflict, you need to put in the effort of repair. Gottman suggests you need a ratio of 5 to 1 nice/nasty moments- that's 5 nice moments to 1 nasty moment. After a conflict, send loving emails, do loving gestures, share what you love and appreciate about each other out loud -- or in quiet, sexy whispers.

6. Don't obsess about the past. Once a disagreement or difficult situation has occurred, and you've talked empathically about, do not ruminate about it. Forgive and forget. What you should be focusing on after your talk is: Does my sweetie want to change so this conflict does not repeat. If your sweetie is putting in the effort of change -- then, well, your sweetie truly is a sweetie, and you should let them know how much you appreciate their efforts

Breaking Hearts is Not a Game

While discussing relationships the other day, a friend of mine told me she was in desperate need of a “monkey bar.”

Perplexed, I asked her what she was talking about.

“You know when you’re in a relationship that’s just so-so, but you haven’t found anything better to move onto? Well a monkey bar is that someone who you leave the other person for. It’s like the monkey bars on a playground. You never take your one hand off the previous bar until you’ve got your other hand on the next bar.”

This analogy made perfect sense to me. I started thinking about other ways the games we play in relationships are similar to the games we played on the playground.

To wit;

Tag…You’re it!

The proverbial chase is a tale as old as time. You run after someone playing hard to get, and the second you actually reach them, you completely lose interest and start to run away. That’s because the chase is often more exciting than the actual prize. Try to avoid this game because it always ends ugly, with scraped knees and bruised egos.

Emotional See Saw

One day you’re inseparable, the next you want to administer heavy doses of rat poisoning. The human emotion system is a complex one, and the feelings we experience today are not dependent on how we felt yesterday. Same goes for sexual urges. As time goes on, the sexual excitement has a tendency to leave the relationship despite your hardest efforts.

Swing Set

One person pushes their partner away, yet they come right back to them like clockwork. Rather than knowing when to give up, some people are either oblivious (or in denial) of signs they’re in a bad relationship. Chances are if the person you’re with keeps pushing you away, there’s no reason for you to remain their emotional punching bag. Wise up and move on.


Take a minute to think of these and other adult-games that we play in our relationships, and ask yourself if they’re as fun as you think. Chances are they’re not.

The sign of a healthy relationship is one where we don’t keep score. Thoughts like “I called him last so now it’s his turn” and “He texted me 5 minutes ago, but I’m going to wait a couple hours so it looks like I’m not waiting for him” are immature and petty. If you want to call him, pick up the phone! Don’t deny your urges just because you don’t want to come off desperate. Put yourself out there, and you might be surprised what you get back.

And if what you get back isn’t good enough, there’s always someone else willing to play with you.

Holley Simmons Reporting!

Want to know what breaks up nearly every relationship in this world?

I can tell you in Three Acts:

ACT ONE: You hurt me.

ACT TWO: I hurt you.

ACT THREE: You hurt me even more because I just hurt you so I hurt you even more then you hurt me then I hurt you then you hurt me then I hurt you, etc…

The point: It’s easy to act cold/hurtful/stonewalling to someone who you feel has said or done something you perceive as cold/hurtful/stonewalling to you.

But that’s the point. THAT’S the EASY thing to do.

An ex-boyfriend of mine, Eric Gertler, once told me, "People as a species aren't for the most part mean or evil. They're just WEAK."

How true.

It takes EFFORT to consciously, openly, bravely, warmly speak up about the hurt you feel -- AT THE SPEED OF LIFE -- instead of acting out and letting things spiral negatively downward.

Yes, it takes EFFORT to take the high road, and to express your vulnerabilities and concerns with warmth and candor.

But this effort is worth it...because love and connection are your truest sources for happiness.

So next time someone you care about does something that you feel isn't very caring at all -- put in the effort -- the bravery -- TO SPEAK UP AT THE SPEED OF LIFE -- and kill that relatioship monster while it's still small.

Want More Sex and Romance?

If you’re feeling as if staying close is not so simple, that’s because the male and female brain are very complex.

Very.

I just finished reading an interesting article in Men’s Health Magazine, written by Louann Brizendine -- a professor of psychiatry with an expertise in neuroscience.

Here are its Cliff Notes: “Yikes -- what a difference a chromosome makes!”

Okay. Let me expand a wee bit more on those Cliff Notes...

Basically the article explains how a man’s hypothalamus – the brain area which governs sexual pursuit -- is said to be potentially as much as seven times larger than a female’s hypothalamus – making it a fact that men have sex on the brain more than women – in a literal sense. Plus, it has also been estimated that the sex circuits in a typical man's brain light up once a minute -- much more often than a woman's – only the article didn’t say how much more.

One thing men and women actually do share in common – the natural decline in dopamine and oxytocin (the two male and female stimulators of feelings of emotional attachment). It’s both a male and female phenomenon that as length of a relationship increases, the plentihood of dopamine and oxytocin decrease.

However Brizendine shares a silver lining within the midst of this dark neurological cloud: “Anything that brings the two of you together --reading on the couch with her legs stretched across your knees, or watching TV with your heads resting together -- can produce a splash of (dopamine and oxytocin).”

A quick tip in particular for men: “Studies have found that a hug from a partner will produce an oxytocin rush in a woman's brain--but only if that hug lasts 20 seconds or more. And just about everything that falls under the general heading of 'foreplay' is likely to produce a similar effect.”

A quick warning in particular for women: “The effects of oxytocin can be incredibly disarming to a woman. Female animals injected with the stuff seem to throw caution to the wind and cuddle up with the first available male. And that is why, when women ask me for advice about men, I warn them, "Don't hug the guy unless you plan to trust him."

One story in particular stood out in this article…about a couple seeking marital aid.

In Brizendine’s words: “The woman--let's call her Jane--had virtually stopped having sex with her husband, whom we'll call Evan. They had both begun new jobs, and the hot wires that connected them had gradually gone cold. Jane never felt in the mood. Evan suspected she had a lover. Jane was thunderstruck. How could Evan imagine such a thing?”

“Never in the mood,” says Brizendine, is one of the most common complaints women bring to her office, and one of the easiest to fix. It's simply what happens when male and female brains – being so different -- miss the point with one another.

Brizendine explains: “It was natural for Evan, with his male brain bleating for sex once a minute, to assume that his wife had similar appetites that were being satisfied elsewhere. Jane had no idea that to the male brain, sex is as essential to a relationship as TALKING.”

The couple hashed out their problems in Brizendine’s office. When they returned two weeks later, their sex life was as hot as ever.

How?

The couple together had decided to stop referring to sex as "sex.”

Instead the husband and wife had good humouredly re-named sex as: "male communication."

Brizendine ended her “Men's Health” article by saying to all her male readers that she wished them “an abundance of male communication.”

I agree – and would like to add a note to the women readers out there – that I wish you all plenty of multiple male communication!

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10 Secrets To A Happier Love Life

First, read this list of relationship tips below. When you get to the bottom, I will share with you WHERE they come from -- a surprising source!

1. We all create our relationships to work out issues that need to be addressed.

2. We project most of our undesirable AND fabulous qualities on to the partner.

3. Own what are your relationship issues and what are the other person's issues. Acknowledge your part in the play. We always attract our "equal" on the continuum. A victim will always find a victimizer, a masochist a sadist, a giver a taker. No judgements, but don't think it's their issue that they always leave... You change YOUR behavior and you will attract a different kind of partner.

4. Ignorance and emotional immaturity cause pain. Pick your emotional equal, which has very little to do with age. There are still 50 year olds playing in the sandbox.

5. Pain and frustration are the result of not wanting to see reality. Do your partner's words and actions match up? The first meeting actually shows you the entire trajectory of a relationship. A person usually tells you who he/she is in the first five minutes of meeting. (aka: I'm not a relationship oriented person, I'm not ready to open up to someone, I usually leave/get left, I'm not a good person)

6. Feigned indifference is NOT an aphrodisiac. If you desire someone, show it as you will get back ten times what you put out.

7. Casual sex is an oxymoron. Sex is the most powerful energy on the planet with clear emotional and chemical impact, so choose your partners with discrimination. You don't want psychic garbage clogging up your system.

8. Likewise, sex without love is SOUL-DEADENING. We are meant to connect deeply in the sex act and when the heart is closed, you short-circuit and distort your energy.

9. Women are looking for their inner male animus in the partner, while men are trying to access their inner female, their anima through their mate. With same sex couples, the same applies. Whoever is playing the male is seeking the female in the other and vice versa.

10. Despite the oftentimes push-pull of even the most dysfunctional relationship, both people choose the relationship.

There about 5 more incredibly insightful and helpful tips from this fascinating expert...who is Patrice Kamins... an astrological consultant, creator of a wonderful site called interventionista.com...and my guest tomorrow on my drivetime radio show BE HAPPY DAMMIT, from 8am to 9am EST on Sirius, at Lime 114.

As a radio host it's interesting to have people on one day from the science community ...and an astrologer on the next day.

What's also intriguing for me is to explore topics I'm not necessarily "sold on" from the get-go. I'll confess now...and I'll confess on air...I'm not a big follower in astrology.

AND YET...I lovelovelove Patrice's relationship tips above ....which she continues on her interventionista.com site.

I look forward to discussing how and why astrology can help folks lead a happier life. And in particular I also look forward to exploring how her very wise relationship tips above are inspired and informed by her work with astrology!

"A single conversation across the table from a wise man is worth a month's study of books." - Old Chinese Proverb

I'm a curious person. I've always enjoyed talking with taxi drivers and strangers on airplanes. One of my big beliefs in life is that you never know where you'll get your life changing insights. Even a jerk can teach you things. In fact... often it's your tormentors - more than your mentors - who teach you those biggie lessons you remember for life.

For example: "Yo! Nothing is ever as good - or as bad - as it first appears!"

Unfortunately both "Part A" and "Part B" of the above got drilled into my neurons far more from my tormentors than my mentors.

The good news... if you stay curious about this curvy, twisty, chaotic thing called life -- and keep your eyes open for insights - they will come from surprising places and unexpected people.

Once I was seated on an airplane next to a man who told me they were passionate about gardening.

"What's a super good gardening tip for me?" I asked curiously (although the only thing I'd ever grown in my life was an occasional onion in my vegetable drawer.)

"My number one gardening tip," said the man, "is to recognize that some plants and flowers are only meant to live a certain amount of time -- for a certain season -- and if you try to make them live longer, you will be a bad gardener."

Wow. What he said rang true for me about a business relationship I was in at the time which I needed to get out of. It was interesting how "the zen of gardening" also applied to "the zen of relationships."

The man went on to add, "Also, different plants have different needs for sunshine and water. Some need very little sunlight - thrive best in darkness - with only a little moisture. Others need a lot of light and feeding. Different plants all have different needs and speeds for growth. You must really know what each individual plant needs - and not treat them all the same."

Again I felt that Wow. This "zen of gardening" also applied to "the zen of relationships." It's always essential to get a pulse on an individuals needs -- read their instruction manuals very carefully!

Because I never know where "zen wisdom" might come from, I'm always open to having conversations with strangers. At parties, I especially love to have conversations with people who at first glance have nothing in common with me.

Your assisgnment:

Become a more curious person. During times of crises, get curious about the lesson to be learned!

During times of boredom in taxis, planes, and trains start a conversation.

You never know. Next time you're waiting in a long movie line, and start talking with the people in front of you -- the conversation you share with these strangers, might turn out to be more exciting and entertaining than the movie you're waiting to see.