Breaking Hearts is Not a Game

While discussing relationships the other day, a friend of mine told me she was in desperate need of a “monkey bar.”

Perplexed, I asked her what she was talking about.

“You know when you’re in a relationship that’s just so-so, but you haven’t found anything better to move onto? Well a monkey bar is that someone who you leave the other person for. It’s like the monkey bars on a playground. You never take your one hand off the previous bar until you’ve got your other hand on the next bar.”

This analogy made perfect sense to me. I started thinking about other ways the games we play in relationships are similar to the games we played on the playground.

To wit;

Tag…You’re it!

The proverbial chase is a tale as old as time. You run after someone playing hard to get, and the second you actually reach them, you completely lose interest and start to run away. That’s because the chase is often more exciting than the actual prize. Try to avoid this game because it always ends ugly, with scraped knees and bruised egos.

Emotional See Saw

One day you’re inseparable, the next you want to administer heavy doses of rat poisoning. The human emotion system is a complex one, and the feelings we experience today are not dependent on how we felt yesterday. Same goes for sexual urges. As time goes on, the sexual excitement has a tendency to leave the relationship despite your hardest efforts.

Swing Set

One person pushes their partner away, yet they come right back to them like clockwork. Rather than knowing when to give up, some people are either oblivious (or in denial) of signs they’re in a bad relationship. Chances are if the person you’re with keeps pushing you away, there’s no reason for you to remain their emotional punching bag. Wise up and move on.


Take a minute to think of these and other adult-games that we play in our relationships, and ask yourself if they’re as fun as you think. Chances are they’re not.

The sign of a healthy relationship is one where we don’t keep score. Thoughts like “I called him last so now it’s his turn” and “He texted me 5 minutes ago, but I’m going to wait a couple hours so it looks like I’m not waiting for him” are immature and petty. If you want to call him, pick up the phone! Don’t deny your urges just because you don’t want to come off desperate. Put yourself out there, and you might be surprised what you get back.

And if what you get back isn’t good enough, there’s always someone else willing to play with you.

Holley Simmons Reporting!

Give it to Me

Does this sound like good sex to you;

"Oooh baby. Boost it. Oh yeah, that's right. Boost my immune system."

Well it should, considering the many health benefits that healthy sex brings.

As if you needed another excuse, Web MD offers you 10 scientifically proven reasons why you should head to the bedroom after reading this article.

1. Sexed Out, Not Stressed Out

Because sex is proven to lower blood pressure, it reduces a person's over all stress level and risk of heart disease. Researchers from Scotland studied 24 women and 22 men who kept records of their sexual activity. Then the researchers subjected them to stressful situations -- such as speaking in public and doing verbal arithmetic -- and noted their blood pressure response to stress.

Those who had intercourse had better responses to stress than those who engaged in other sexual behaviors or abstained.

The next time you have sex, I dare you to worry about your laundry, and that report your boss is asking for, and how messy the apartment is, and how there's no food in the fridge, etc. etc. Sex acts as a distracter and helps you get all these stressful things off your mind.


2. Immunity booster

Having healthy sex once or twice a week has been linked with higher levels of an antibody called immunoglobulin A or IgA, which can protect you from getting colds and other infections.

Now doesn't "Kiss me" have a better ring to it than "Tissue me?"


3. Burn Baby Burn

Consider this;

A 135 pound woman burns 82 calories climbing stairs for 10 minutes. That same 135 pound woman burns 86 calories having sex for 20 minutes.

Which climax would you prefer-the one offered at the top of a staircase or the one achieved during sex? I thought so.


4. Stroke It

There's good news for anyone older who worries that sex might strain his or her heart. In a study published in the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health, scientists found no direct link between the frequency of sex and the occurrence of stroke in the 914 men they followed for 20 years.

The researchers also found that having sex twice or more a week reduced the risk of fatal heart attack by half for the men, compared with those who had sex less than once a month.


5. Does this Position Make my Butt Look Big?

Knowing that you've pleased yourself and your partner does a hell of a lot for your self esteem.

Sex, family and marriage therapist Gina Ogden, PhD finds that those who already have self-esteem say they sometimes have sex to feel even better. "One of the reasons people say they have sex is to feel good about themselves," she tells WebMD. "Great sex begins with self-esteem, and it raises it. If the sex is loving, connected, and what you want, it raises it."

They don't call it SEX-y for nothing. Let lose. Go wild. Get what you want, and you're bound to reach your emotional and sexual peaks.


6. There's no "Me" in Intimacy

Having orgasms increases levels of the hormone oxytocin, which is the so-called love hormone that helps us bond and build trust. Likewise, higher oxytocin levels have been linked with feelings of generosity.


7. Turn "Ow" into "Ooh"

As the hormone oxytocin surges, endorphins increase, and pain declines.

In a study published in the Bulletin of Experimental Biology and Medicine, 48 volunteers who inhaled oxytocin vapor and then had their fingers pricked lowered their pain threshold by more than half.

Now go do some prick-ing of your own.


8. Ejacu-lately?

According to Australian researchers, frequent ejaculations, especially in 20-something men, may reduce the risk of prostate cancer later in life.

But they found men who had five or more ejaculations weekly while in their 20s reduced their risk of getting prostate cancer later by a third.


9. Leggo my Kegel

For women, doing a few pelvic floor muscle exercises known as Kegels during sex offers a couple of benefits. You will enjoy more pleasure, and you'll also strengthen the area and help to minimize the risk of incontinence later in life.

To do a basic Kegel exercise, tighten the muscles of your pelvic floor, as if you're trying to stop the flow of urine. Count to three, then release.


10. ZZzzzzZZZzzzz

All this talk about sex is making me sleepy. And it should. According to research, the oxytocin released during orgasm also promotes sleep.

And getting enough sleep has been linked with a host of other good things, such as maintaining a healthy weight and blood pressure.


Overall, we need to understand sex as a way to get closer with a person to whom we feel attracted, emotionally or physically. So these 10 findings serve as additional benefits to the physical act of love. And if nothing else, give you one hell of a rebuttal to the old "head-ache" excuse.

Holley Simmons Reporting!

HAPPY DAMMIT SEMINAR - APRIL 18TH - NYC LEARNING ANNEX

Happiness tip#27: Sing your heart-ache out.

FACT: The Institute of Music, Health and Education has found that just five minutes of singing or humming can put you in a sunnier mood.

Your Happiness Assignment: When in the shower or bath, sing until your heart's content. Avoid songs once shared with an ex or lyrics on the maudlin side.

Some Guaranteed Musical Boosters I recommend: We will rock you – Queen; We are the champions – Queen; Emotional rescue – Rolling Stones; Simply the best – Tina Turner; Like a rolling stone – Bob Dylan; Respect – Aretha Franklin; Brass in pocket – Pretenders; Mustang sally – Wilson Pickett or the Commitments; These boots are made for walking - Nancy Sinatra; My Way - Frank Sinatra; Wind beneath my wings – Bette Midler; I will survive – Gloria Gaynor; Mocking bird – Carly Simon and James Taylor; Don’t worry Be happy – Bobby McFerrin; I can see clearly now - Bob Marley; Calling all angels – K.D. Lang; In my life – The Beatles; Who let the dogs out – Baha men; Banana boat song – Harry Belafonte; Girls just want to have fun – Cyndi Lauper!

If you live in NYC...come join me live -- and I will share all the latest empowering mood boosting research and tips to help you through challenging times -- at my Be Happy, Dammit seminar at THE LEARNING ANNEX on APRIL 18TH (Course 366CNY, Section A) from 7:00 PM to 8:30 PM. I promise I will help to perk up even the most cynical spirit - by sharing new research and techniques from psychology, biology, eastern and western philosophies, quantum physics, the Zen of Bazooka Joe.

Register by calling the New York Learning Annex office at (212) 371-0280...or click this linkerooni.

TO HELL WITH RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS WITH STRANGERS!

Have I got your attention?

What I mean by the above:

TRY CONSCIOUS ACTS OF KINDNESS WITH IMPORTANT PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE!

One of the big secrets of happiness: developing
heartfelt. loving, deep connections!

A recent study said:
If you feel close to other people, you are four times as likely to feel good about yourself and life.

Another recent study also said:
People who claim to have five or more true friends with whom they can discuss important problems are 60% more likely to say that they are "very happy."

I say:
There are "TRUE FRIENDS."

And then there are "FRIENDLIES."

TRUE FRIENDS are people who are there for you when things are AMAZING (a challenging time for mere FRIENDLIES) ...and when things are HORRIFICALLY STRESSFUL (also challenging times for FRIENDLIES).

Your assignment:
Today decide to do more CONSCIOUS ACTS OF KINDNESS FOR THE IMPORTANT PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE -- your paramour, platonic buddies, assorted and sordid family members.

Today decide to regularly express out loud how much you appreciate your TRUE FRIENDS!

Learn more about the friendship/happiness connection in my EXTREME SUCCESS show tomorrow at 8am on my new BE HAPPY DAMMIT drivetime radio show on SIRIUS 114 -- when I will be talking with
AUTHOR GRETCHEN RUBIN, creator of http://www.happiness-project.com
AUTHOR MARCI ALBOHER, of ONE PERSON/MULTIPLE CAREERS, available at amazon.com
AUTHOR LINDA KAPLAN THALER, of THE POWER OF NICE, available at amazon.com
AUTHOR BJ GALLAGHER, of FRIENDS ARE EVERYTHING, available at amazon.com
ENTREPRENEUR/CEO LADIES WHO LAUNCH, BETH SCHOENFELDT, and her best friend, Jenny Gering, a fabulous launching lady!

INSTANT LOVE (AND SEX) BOOSTERS!

First...thanks to everyone who attended last night's sold out ENOUGH DAMMIT seminar!

I know afterwards a bunch of you asked me more about how to snag and keep the happiest love relationship.

Here's some of my favorite love research discoveries, so you can all enjoy your happiest Valentine's Day ever!

1. Marriage researcher Dr. John Gottman’s main learned hypothesis: Respect and consistent daily affection are the two top essentials for successful relationships -- and contempt is the number one destroyer.

2. Dr. Gottman discovered couples who remain married vs. divorced often experienced just as much conflict -- but put in more "repair" -- with a 5 to 1 ratio of nice to nasty moments. Or as Dr. Gottman himself said: "Satisfied couples maintained a five-to-one ratio of positive to negative moments in their relationship, whereas couples heading for divorce allowed that ratio to slip below...to often one-to-one." Dr. Gottman's presecription: If you're having problems with your honey,add more honey! Give a hug. Cuddle. Compliment.

3. Psychoanalyst Dr. Jani emphasizes the importance of two people being able to appreciate ordinary everyday moments together -- and recommends always starting your day asking: "Anything special going on today?" At the end of the day, always ask: "Hey, how did that special thing go?" All this might seem obvious, but we can forget to ask about daily minutia. And the more you remember to ask, according to Dr. Jani, the more your sex life will improve -- because it will make your partner feel more connected with you! (Who knew? Simply asking:"How was your day, dear?" can lead to hot times in bed?!)

4. Research consistently shows money plays a far lesser role in divorce – usually ranking about fifth in the blame line-up – behind incompatibility, lack of emotional support, abuse and sexual problems. According to Olivia Mellan, author of “Money Harmony: Resolving Money Conflicts in Your Life and Relationships” even when couples fight about money, they’re often fighting about underlying problems. Mellan reminds: “Fights about money are usually more about what money represents: dependency, control, freedom, security, pleasure, self-worth.”

5. All psychologists agree: A couple is only as “strong” as their weakest moments -- how they handle conflict! There are THREE conflict strategies: #ONE: avoidance (the worst); #TWO: fighting (better than avoidance, but still not healthful or helpful); #THREE. validation (the winning method – which means trying to see things from the other person’s view, and sharing all views with kindness, and the goal of finding a win-win compromise!) TRANSLATION: When facing conflict, talk with your partner at the speed of life. Do not shut down. Do not attack. And ABSOLUTELY avoid that #1 love vaporizer: condescension!