Soulmate or Egomate?

There’s a great quote in that wonderful tale, "The Little Prince" where the Prince wisely says: "It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."

What this quote describes is “soulmate love" -- which is a far more mature love than “egomate love" -- which too many people get tricked into seeking -- and thereby never finding true love and true happiness.

In case you’ve been foolishly getting "soulmate love" confused with its lesser"egomate love" fake and faux pas imitiation -- here are some helpful reminders ...

Soulmate

A soulmate is someone whom when you meet -- without thinking – without letting your neocortex play into the decision – you feel an instant familiarity, a sense of connection, a longing.

Egomate

An egomate is someone who you instantly want because you know they will “look good to others” – because this person is beautiful or rich, or has some ego massaging quality. But this thing you like about this person is a generic superficial quality -- rather than the dynamic and tingly connection you feel when with this person.

Soulmate

A soulmate is someone who you could spend a great deal of time with just sitting on a sofa and feel happy. You don’t need fanfare. You don’t need to go out to expensive restaurants. Just being with them cuddling and kissing feels like a vacation.

Egomate

An egomate is someone who you need to spend lots of money on and do ritzy activities with to fully feel the excitement of being with them.

Soulmate

A soulmate is someone who you miss when they’re not around – and can even lose sleep over. When you talk about this person to friends, you might mention their looks or money, but you mainly talk about what makes them special to you – those deeper, less
superficial qualities which are about connecting soul to soul.
You feel a passionate friendship for this person.

Egomate

An egomate is someone who when you talk about this person to friends, you mainly talk about this person as being rich or beautiful -- or any of a variety their trophy qualities which build up your ego. If you’re honest with yourself, some part of you doesn’t respect this partner of yours on certain levels -- or even like them as a friend. Indeed if you weren’t dating this person, you might not even be friends with them. Perhaps you even feel a bit bored by them if you spend too much time alone in their company or sitting on a sofa just talking. But your ego overpowers your instincts, because your ego loves talking about how rich or beautiful this person is – and impressing friends and family.

Soulmate

You’re not looking for perfection in your partner. Perfection is all about the ego. With soulmate love you know that true love is what happens when disappointment sets in – and you’re willing to deal maturely with these disappointments. You recognize nobody is perfect. Not only does your partner have imperfections, so do you. And because you value the deep love and connection you are lucky enough to share, you choose to work on your problems and grow as individuals and as a couple. With soulmate love, you’re not only finally ready to wear your heart on your sleeve, but roll up your sleeves and do the necessary work. Your goal with a soulmate is to create the most fabulous “inside world” – inside yourself as a growing individuals and inside your private relationship as a thriving couple.

Egomate

Your ego cares about perfection. A lot. In particular your ego cares about your partner appearing perfect to the outside world. You’re less forgiving about imperfections in your partner because of your ego – because you take your partner’s imperfections personally -- as showing you as being imperfect -- and your ego does not like your not being perfect. So you put a high priority on looking super cool and perfect to others. Indeed, you are so blinded by the image perks your uber-gorgeous or uber-rich partner offers up. that there’s an immature part of you who doesn’t really feel the need to connect in friendship with your partner – or grow as a person when problems arise in the relationship. You just care about the “ego symbols” you are showing to the outside world.

Soulmate

Your partner could gain weight, lose all their money, lose all their hair - and you wouldn’t care. You love them for their core self.

Egomate

If your partner gained weight, lost their money, lost their hair, you’d lose your “ego symbol”and thereby feel less attracted to this person and want to break up.

In summary: Soulmate love is far more satisfying. Afterall, looks and money can (and often) fade. But a bad personality and bad values and a bad intimacy connection are forever.

Cloudy With A Chance Of Brain Sex

What’s in the forecast for love?

I've asked my new assistant, Holley Simmons, to research and report on this very important topic. Indeed, Holley will be my Happiness Researcher on my blog regularly from hereon in. This is Holley's first post -- which I personally find very fascinating. Take it away, Holley!

........

Thanks, Karen! For this blog I consulted with Social Technologies, an organization of top futurists, and they gave me the following ten ways technologies will impact relationships of the future.

1. G.P.S.-Goodbye Personal Space
With the advent of social websites like AdultFriendFinder.com, finding a mate could be as easy as locating a liquor store using your Tom Tom. This and sites like it use GPS technologies to alert your phone when a potential match is within a 5-mile radius.

2. Out of Site, Out of Mind
The definition of “cheating” will become more fluid in new virtual worlds. Dating rules which apply in real life may not translate when applied to social websites, like Facebook and MySpace.

3. Where the F*#% art thou, Romeo?
To keep track of your significant other, newly developed systems offer you real-time maps that update according to changes in your lover’s location.

4. Think Shrink
Those in need of relationship advice or guidance need look no further than their computer screens. Online therapy offers love-sick sufferers a virtual space to work out their problems and tackle sensitive issues.

5. Strike a Match, Light a Flame
Compatibility tests will be taken to the next level, using proven scientific analysis to find that perfect someone.

6. Turn Me On
Just because your honey is across the Atlantic doesn’t mean you can’t have an intimate encounter. Using Telerobotic principles, sex toys can be controlled by an operator miles away for a stimulating and interactive experience.

7. Phero-Moans
By unlocking the chemistry behind love and physical attraction, scientists will develop biochemical potions made specifically to magnetize a love interest.

8. Hot Bot
Technological advances will make today’s best sex toys look lame in comparison. Imagine being able to build your ideal man or woman. Literally.

9. Head Games
Have “Brain Sex” using neurodevices which rouse emotions at will. Satisfy cravings as they arise, and have a little fun with your wildest fantasies.

10. That’s it…Keep Doing What You’re Doing…
Take these advancements or leave ‘em. After all, we know our own bodies best, and we ultimately decide what we want out of love. But it’s fun to imagine a world raining sexually connected men and women, weather we like it or not.

Is love still the same kind of love at any age? And if so, is heartbreak still the same kind of heartbreak at any age?

I became curious to find out when I received "30 Days to Getting over the Dork You Used to Call Your Boyfriend: A Heartbreak Handbook" written by Girlsense.com's advice columnist, Clea Hantman.

Clea's goal for her tween-something handbook: Teach young women how to deal with the pain of an icky Dork early on in their lives, so that perhaps they'll never need grown-up break up books when going through the angst of a yucky divorce!

After checking out her book, I definitely feel Clea's advice is restorative for gals of all ages -- and ironically might be especially helpful to the angst-ridden divorcing-set, because of Clea's playful writer's voice and super-fun ideas for re-loving your Dork-free life.

Here are 5 of Clea's many helpful tips:

Let it out. The idealized romance, the glowing, rose-tinged retrospect version of how fuzzy-warm the relationship used to be — well that needs to be said. And then it needs to be dissected like a dead frog and trashed.

Put time limits on how much you spew. Friend time shouldn’t be entirely spent on rehashing what’s already been said. Get out and get silly.

Anger is useful. It just cannot be directed at a human being. Clea suggests writing down on pieces of masking tape five things about the Dork which make you mad - then slapping the tape on the soles of your shoes. As you walk around you can dig your feet in, grind, stomp, really walk with a purpose.

Let’s get physical. There is so much scientific fact out there that states that exercise makes your mind happier and your body more peaceful so exercise is key even if it’s simple walks or joining a roller derby team.

Air guitar is good for the soul. Music has this incredible power to carry us as if on a wave through sets of emotion. And it can be a great way to express feelings that are otherwise impossible to say. It should be used wisely though. Limit the amount of wallowing cute-boy singer-songwriters.

Ultimately Cleas book recommends a whole lot of soul searching, discovering who you are, what you want/don’t want – which is indeed wise advice at any age.

Prince Harming Syndrome?

Confession time: I once suffered from what I call Prince Harming Syndrome – the tendency to date men who were bully beaus – charismatic guys, who seemed like great catches, until they’d suddenly erupt into a rage, over the smallest of things: an unmade bed, being late by 10 minutes, a difference in movie preferences.

I remember once I was sharing a story about a particular Prince Harming with my girlfriend, Joanie, in a café, when the man at the next table interrupted.

“Excuse me,” this stranger said. “I hope you girls don’t mind, but I must confess I overheard you talking….and well…I’m a psychoanalyst…and I’m worried about you,” he said staring directly at me. “Do you mind if I give you my free therapy opinion?”

“Not at all,” said Joanie, answering for me.

“I have nothing to gain by telling you this,” the anonymous psychoanalyst began. “I don’t want or need your business. But as a psychoanalyst, I cannot help but recognize how this man you’re with is emotionally abusive. He sounds like a classic control freak…with sadistic tendencies… and you, well, you are a classic masochist… since as of right now, you are choosing to stay.”

“Masochist?” I repeated.

I looked at Joanie. She meekishly shrugged.

“But it’s good news, too,” the anonymous psychoanalyst said. “Masochists always have the most hope for change, because masochists always blame themselves. So… search deeply for why you’re with this man, your responsibility for having chosen him…and get out while you can!” He then grabbed his brown leather briefcase, and whisked out of the café – like some masked psychoanalyst avenger.

I felt both horrified and validated. My Prince Harming had been assessed by a professional to be a sadistic control freak.

And me? I still had yet to figure out why had I chosen him.

In my mind I wasn’t a masochist. I’d been tricked. The way advertisers use “bait and switch” my Prince Harming had employed “date and switch.” He truly did start out so nice.

“You really should end this dysfunctional relationship,” Joanie urged me. “Trust me. You’ll meet and marry a great guy soon enough. You’ve just got to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince.”

“I accept that,” I told her. “It’s just the pigs, dogs and jacka---‘s I mind kissing.”

We laughed heartily at the time. But sure enough, within 24 hours, this Prince Harming again erupted at me – calling me a “c---t” in front of his daughter – a sweet 8 year old little girl.

At that point, I finally had the clarity of mind to leave.

I recognized, however, just because this man was no longer in my life, it didn’t mean my masochistic dating tendencies had left too. I needed to do some serious self-exploration, and understand why I had this urge to go towards these fiery-tempered men, rather than run from.

Although I’ve since -- thankfully -- with effort – broken free from my Prince Harming Syndrome, I continue to hear many tales of Prince Harmings from my girlfriends.

Indeed, in the last few weeks I’ve heard four Prince Harming tales.

SInce I empathise so greatly -- having “been there, dated that!” today I wanted to write something to help.

If you’re a woman who’s presently involved with A Prince Harming, here are some important things to keep in mind.


1. Did you have a parent with a bad temper? If so, you’re experiencing what Freud called Repetition Compulsion. Your past is sneaking into your present. You accept being shrieked at as being “normal” – when it’s not. Some part of you from childhood feels “you’re bad” and deserves anger as a ritualistic behavior. Well, I’m here to tell you, the time has come to stop these anger rituals! Nothing in your past is in your physical reality now making you do anything you don’t choose to do. You are NOT your past history! You are NOT your past failures! You are NOT how others have at one time treated you! You are ONLY who you THINK you are now in this moment.You are ONLY what you DO now in this moment.


2. Are you hooked into pain because of low self esteem? Perhaps you feel like you don’t deserve healthy love because of your weight, career, etc. If so…you must either improve your weight, career, etc – or change your view of these things. Start loving yourself -- flaws and all. Focus on what makes you hot stuff! You’re funny, kind, generous, a great kisser! A guy should be so lucky as to be with you! The stronger your self-beliefs that you deserve healthy love, the more you will conquer and attract!


3. Have you stopped being a hopeless romantic – and now think romance is hopeless? Have you lowered your “dating bar” so low, low, low, that now only the slimiest reptilean snake-y guys are wiggling through? If so, the time has come to raise that bar -- by surrounding yourself with friends and family who are in healthy, loving relationships, so you’re constantly reminded “good love” is out there – and so you know what it looks, sounds, feels, and quacks like!


4. Are your values off-kilter, and you care more about money and good looks, than you do about your self esteem and happiness? As my good girlfriend Khatun once quipped. “Every a----hole has their silver lining!” Sure enough, Prince Harmings are usually very appealing on lots of levels -- which distracts us gals from the very fact that they are indeed toxic. You must remind yourself: the #1 reason to merge your life with a man is that he makes you feel happier – not more anxious and depressed. You must also remind yourself of your top values for a man. Write a list – and on it should be: even-tempered, kind-hearted, gentle, a good listener, a compromiser etc. Also write down how you’d feel being with this type of man (relaxed, safe, content, happy, etc.) Keep these lists with you in your wallet – and make them priorities.


5. Are you an “enterpainer”? Are you used to entertaining everyone with your tales of drama and conflict? If so, Carl Jung believes that’s because we humans need meaning/purpose in our lives – a central drive to feel our lives are important. If we cannot feel that passion in a “high level quest” (ie healthy, fabulous love, a passionate career etc) then we go to Plan B -- seek a “low level quest” ( ie Prince Harming Syndrome – which makes us feel important every time we complain about how awful this man is – and get such strong reactions from people.) Listen up! The time has come to stop settling for “low level quests” – and seek positive passion and purpose for yourself!


6. Do you keep telling yourself it’s not 3 strikes and Prince Harming is out – it’s 3,452,103 strikes and he’s out? Are you rationalizing staying in this harmful relationship longer and longer, because you’re more afraid of the pain of “temporary solitude” than the pain of abuse? If so, you must accept that when you break up, there will be a temporary period of aloneness. But “temporary” is the key word. Decide now that you will use your “temporary” alone time to do all the things you’re putting off doing. Take a class. Join a club. Spoil yourself with bubble baths, flowers, massages, pedicures. At night before bedtime, do a Mental Rental: envision your ideal man coming towards you. And remember – the Law Of Attraction can’t work – until you’ve practiced The Law Of Subtraction – and rid yourself of that Prince Harming!


7. Are you afraid to break up with your Prince Harming because you’ll feel like another broken relationship is a failure. If so, re-frame this as a success story. From hereonin you will not be dating Prince Harmings! Make this ending stand for your brand new beginning! Every time you find yourself missing your Prince Harming’s silver lining, repeat the word “Forward!” Remind yourself you’re moving forward away from this self-hurting tendency.

Remember, in life change is something which just sort of happens.

But progress is a choice – your choice!

If you know of someone who suffers from Prince Harming Syndrome, please alert them to this blog post!

SOME SOUL MATE SNAGGING TIPS...

I recently got out of a relationship with someone who I never felt fully connected with.

After work at dinner each night I'd always ask him about his day, but to no avail. He'd clam up, never sharing fully who he was underneath his expensive suits. And whenever I tried to get him to talk about his emotions, he'd stonewall, confessing his ex used to have the same problem with his inability to want to share his feelings.

In thinking about this now I realized he didn't have AN OPEN SOUL, which should be a top priority for anyone seeking a SOUL MATE.

YES...first and foremost -- far ahead of seeking someone who is sexy, smart, funny, successful -- you must seek AN OPEN SOUL.

Likewise, if you want to snag a SOUL MATE it is essential you be AN OPEN SOUL.

Sure when you live with AN OPEN SOUL you run more risks for rejection, abandonment, and overall vulnerability/pain.

BUT...

It is only when you risk living with AN OPEN SOUL that you stand any chance at all of feeling connected to another.

Another perk to OPEN SOUL-DOM: self-growth!

When you drop your guards and your fancy-shmancy socialized self exterior, you are up for being challenged -- and thereby up for growing into your highest potential -- which in my belief system is the holy grail for happiness -- gaining insights which help you grow into your highest potential.

Chances are if you are already AN OPEN SOUL it's because you are presently someone who values becoming your highest self, and are thereby up for the risk and challenge of true intimacy. If so, yay for you!

OPEN SOUL people are those who live a life viewing relationships as not only being there for THE PRACTICAL PURPOSE of companionship -- but for THE HIGHER PURPOSE of growth.

OPEN SOUL people put learning how to be better at receiving and giving love as a top life priority... and thereby spend a lot of their time in SOUL SHARING mode... being communicative, appreciative, openly caring, openly loving - because they know the gains of true intimacy far outweigh the pains.

Indeed, if you want to better increase your odds of finding your SOUL MATE, increase your openness of sharing your soul with your partner.

Yo! It's called a SOUL MATE for a reason! Being a SOUL MATE with someone is about connecting soul to soul with them. And if your soul is not coming out to play, you will never feel connected - and thereby never feel like youve found your SOUL MATE. End of story (and a story without that yearned for happily ever after ending)!

WITH THIS IN MIND, HERE ARE SOME SOUL OPENING TIPS TO KEEP IN MIND AS YOU GO ABOUT YOUR WEEK:

1. STOP expecting your partner to be a mind reader. Hate to break it to you -- BUT -- even mind readers are NOT really mind readers! They're clever show biz folks. If a mind reader is not truly a mind reader, neither is your partner! Speak up! If something is on your mind... share it! One of my favorite quotes is from Emile Zola: I came into this world to live out loud. ...So live out loud, dammit!

2. STOP focusing on your fears of intimacy (aka: rejection and abandonment) and re-focus on the amazing perks of intimacy (aka true connection and higher self growth potential!)

3. Commit to staying committed. When the relationship gets bumpy -- see things through the lens of "growth opportunity" -- and learn how to share how you feel warmly with the potential of you being wrong and your partner being right! Learn how to better give and receive love when it's hardest to give and receive. Remember: All relationship challenges are opportunistic vehicles to help you learn how to better receive and give love...the holiest grails to aim yourself at in life

Having a hard time either finding love or staying in love?

Every relationship has 2 purposes:

1.THE PRACTICAL PURPOSE OF A RELATIONSHIP -- to simply have someone to share your life with. And duh...life is a lot more wonderful when you have a loving partner by your side. You double the good times. And hopefully halve the bad times. But as for those bad times -- they can be very challenging -- and at times feel impossible. And it is for this reason that we also need/have a HIGHER PURPOSE for a relationship...

Which is...?

2. THE HIGHER PURPOSE OF A RELATIONSHIP -- to learn lessons on how to become better able at loving! Think about that. Every relationship is actually here to serve to teach us how to become a more loving person -- teach us how to respond rightly/lovingly during those challenging times! And... I believe one of the big goals of a successful life is to LEARN HOW TO BEST LOVE OTHERS! Another big goal: LEARN HOW TO BEST RECEIVE LOVE! Yes -- receiving love is often difficult for many people. They have blockades to allowing happiness and love to flow through their lives and hearts. Well, that is until they get "The Clunk" (AKA: The Life Lesson!) -- which shows them that they have blockades to love -- so they can finally figure out (duh!) they have to work on unblocking their blockades -- because it is due to their damn blockades -- and not merely/solely due to their partner -- that they are so unhappy with their love life! A good relationship will do just that -- clunk you/teach you how to finally see your blockades to love -- so you can fix those blockades and allow more love to flow through your life -- so you can give and receive love at its utmost highest level! With this in mind...all relationship problems are actually secretly vehicles to help you discover what you need to work on within yourself to keep love in your heart. This higher purpose of a relationship is also about learning to pay more attention to all the good in your relationship -- even during the bad -- to learn how to stay a loving person even when challenged! Too many of us don't even seem to notice the good in our partner -- or FORGET HOW TO BE LOVING TO OUR PARTNER -- when the practical purpose's road starts to get a bit bumpy. THE HIGHER PURPOSE OF A RELATIONSHIP is here to remind us: "Yo! You must strive to always treat people at your highest, most loving level if you want the highest level love and happiness in your life!"

Basically the practical purpose of a relationship is obvious to most people. BUT... The higher purpose of a relationship is not.

I wanted to put all this into print for you -- SMACK in your face -- so it might become more obvious as you go about your weekend!

I truly do believe we are all here to learn how to best love and be loved.

I truly do believe that the truly successful life is one which has "learning how to best love and be loved" as its ultimate goal.

And this applies not only with our spouses/parmours... but friends and family members too.

How much love do you presently allow to flow in your life?

How can you get better at giving and receiving love?

Want to hear more love tips? Listen to a free BE HAPPY DAMMIT sirius radio show podcast on love -- for free -- by clicking here.