Word to the Wise

I’m warning you ahead of time that today’s “Word to the Wise” is quite a tongue twister. But I promise that the actual definition is a lot simpler than the huge word implies.

And here it is;

eleemosynary [el-uh-mos-uh-ner-ee,]
–adjective
1. of or pertaining to alms, charity, or charitable donations; charitable.
2. derived from or provided by charity.

I don’t have to tell you how good it feels to know you’ve made a positive impact on someone. I’m just here to remind you that there are opportunities for contribution everywhere you look.

Charity comes in many forms, and is not necessarily defined by cash donations. So no matter your status, there are tons of ways to be charitable.

For example, if you’re a pro at knitting, why not knit a baby blanket for a local shelter? This costs you little to nothing, but provides a child with warmth he or she might otherwise lack.

Or even less time consuming; why not drop a couple quarters in the parking meter of a stranger the next time you see it is about to expire? Not only will you save the person the hassle of a parking ticket, but you’ll also have good car-ma!

It’s important every now and then to step back in our lives and consider those of others. There are a lot of life lessons to be learned from people you don’t know. If you’re constantly thinking how things will affect ONLY you, how will you ever get to be your optimal self?

All that being said, consider this old Chinese riddle.

A curious man once asked to visit Heaven and Hell. Expecting Hell to be a terrifying and scary place, he was surprised to find people surrounding a table loaded with delicious gourmet food. The man thought, “Perhaps Hell isn’t so bad after all.”

But upon closer examination, the man noticed that the people surrounding the table were miserable. They were starving because, although there was a mountain of food before them, they had been given three foot long chopsticks to eat with. There was no way for them to carry the food to their mouths with such long utensils, and so no one could eat a bite.

The man was then taken to Heaven. To his surprise, he found the exact same situation he had seen in Hell; people surrounding a table piled high with glorious food with only three foot chopsticks to eat it with. But here in Heaven, everyone was plump and happily eating the wonderful food.

How is this possible?


If you’re stumped, tune into tomorrow’s blog where I’ll reveal the answer!

Holley Simmons Reporting!

Want to know what breaks up nearly every relationship in this world?

I can tell you in Three Acts:

ACT ONE: You hurt me.

ACT TWO: I hurt you.

ACT THREE: You hurt me even more because I just hurt you so I hurt you even more then you hurt me then I hurt you then you hurt me then I hurt you, etc…

The point: It’s easy to act cold/hurtful/stonewalling to someone who you feel has said or done something you perceive as cold/hurtful/stonewalling to you.

But that’s the point. THAT’S the EASY thing to do.

An ex-boyfriend of mine, Eric Gertler, once told me, "People as a species aren't for the most part mean or evil. They're just WEAK."

How true.

It takes EFFORT to consciously, openly, bravely, warmly speak up about the hurt you feel -- AT THE SPEED OF LIFE -- instead of acting out and letting things spiral negatively downward.

Yes, it takes EFFORT to take the high road, and to express your vulnerabilities and concerns with warmth and candor.

But this effort is worth it...because love and connection are your truest sources for happiness.

So next time someone you care about does something that you feel isn't very caring at all -- put in the effort -- the bravery -- TO SPEAK UP AT THE SPEED OF LIFE -- and kill that relatioship monster while it's still small.

Shut up and meditate!

Did you know Roseanne Barr won The Eleanor Roosevelt Award and The Peabody Award -- and all kinds of humanitarian awards?

I met Roseanne Barr last week when she came on my daily drivetime Sirius radio show,BE HAPPY DAMMIT -- and she warmly shared some interesting happiness tips.

Firstly, Roseanne feels the world creates too many divides between different groups of people -- men vs. women -- white vs. black -- gay vs. straight -- which only creates a sense of further separation from each other as people on this planet.

She also candidly talked about how meditation has personally helped her to stay more focused, calm, happy- and in touch with her core self.

I'm a big believer in meditation -- and so are researchers at U of Penn who found that after assigning folks 1 month of 30 minutes worth of meditation a day, participants had greater improvement in problem-solving and their ability to quickly and accurately move and focus attention.

I often recommend meditation to stressed-out clients. However, many folks claim they're not very good at meditating... and trying to do something they're not good at ironically makes them even more stressed-out.

So here's an easy exercise that will give you the same benefits of meditation: blow up a balloon. It taps into the same breathing and concentration methods as meditation. Simply blow into a balloon with 3 breaths, for a total of 3 seconds. Hold the balloon's little tail, so it doesn't leak out the air. Then, catch your breath in 3 breaths, for a total of about 3 seconds. Return to the balloon, and blow again for three seconds. Repeat until you've blown up the entire balloon. Then go do your work -- and blow away your competition.
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You can hear the full/fun Sirius interview for FREE by clicking here.

Is that green grass...or astroturf?

Do you suffer from WHAT-YOU-SEE-SICKNESS?

Are you always comparing your outsides to other people's outsides – and thereby getting jealous that others might have more than you?

If so, keep in mind:

1. The grass is always greener on the other side – until you get there and find out it's astroturf. Symbols are not reality. Someone might have amassed material success, but this doesn't mean that they are truly happy. And happiness is the holy grail – not material success. So, don't go judging a person's book of their life by their cover. You must read at least 127 pages of "THE BOOK OF WHO SOMEONE REALLY REALLY IS" to know where that person is truly at. (Remember: there are many successful people – aka Marilyn Monroe – who seemed to have had it made, but were coming undone.)

2. You can't have everything in this world. You just have to make sure you have the right something for you. Each of us has our own unique gift – and your gift is not a one-size-fits-all. No one of us is on the same path.

3. Feeling competitive can sidetrack you – as a unique individual – with your own personalized monogrammed long-term goals – from pursuing what you must pursue.

4. Don't compete with others. Compete with yourself. Ask yourself: "How can you improve your skillsets and thereby improve your cockiness – so you can shhhhhusssh your near-sighted-not-very-clear-sighted jealous mind?" Remember: Anything you can do you can do better!

5. Overnight success never happens overnight. But the universe's delays are not the universe's denials. Envision what you want as being stuck on a delivery truck – just a wee bit stuck in traffic – but coming towards you right now - maybe even a week from next Tuesday!

NEW JOBS FOR 2020

In my book BALLSY, I warn up front that the world is constantly changing - so don’t forget to change with it!

If you want to enjoy a career of extreme success, you must always be asking yourself: Due to all the technological and social change out there, are there now new materials, new fears, new problems, new needs, new desires -- all of which are creating new demands for new widgets and new services?

In summary: Your widget or service might be good… but in this speedily shifting world, good has a very, very short expiration date.

But there's some good news behind all this speedy change. Soon the world will be offering up some very exciting career options.

For example, here are 10 new job options for 2020, predicted by futurist Josh Calder, leader of the Global Lifestyles program at Social Technologies LLC, a research and consulting firm.

1. E-scrubber--Works to undo or minimize the indiscretions that people accumulate on the Web.
2. Deceptionist--Provides tech-enabled deception services for those wishing to disguise their activities.
3. Unrealtor--Creates virtual tourism, adventure, and retail destinations.
4. Realizer--Creates real versions of virtual objects for people, from grog tankards to sports cars.
5. Nano-decontaminator--Cleans up nanomaterials now being spread through the environment.
6. Genetic dietician--Creates diets tailored to people's individual genetic makeup.
7. Geoscaper--Makes corporate and private properties look attractive in Google Earth-style aerial views.
8. Eye pilot--Operates small, remotely piloted, camera-equipped aerial vehicles over war zones, disasters, and other locations of interest on behalf of news services, nongovernmental organizations, and private companies.
9. Sexbot controller--Many things can be done remotely. Not for the squeamish.
10. Unplugger--Counselor/mental health professional who helps wean people from excessive technology use.

I find some of what Calder lists to sound a wee bit like science fiction. And some of it to sound like job necessities for 2007. But what all these positions share in common are larger trends for transparency, virtualization, and outsourcing. And if you study his list further, you'll see that most of Calder's job listings involve new ways to manage information -- which is becoming more and more central to more and more careers.

Going through a challenging time? Spend time with your hive!

According to my favorite philosopher buddy, Ari (otherwise known as Aristotle ), we humans are biologically social animals. Our first nature is to be around people.

However if you're going through a challenging time (aka: a break up, a work rejection, a money problem, a trauma, a difficult illness, the passing of a loved one) often being around people feels much more like a 2,841st nature.

You gotta fight this urge to hide away.

In my new BOUNCE BACK BOOK (which you can find out more about here) I share research which shows it’s far more healthful to be around people.

Dr. Dina Carbonell, a research associate at Simmons College, studied the secrets of people who successfully bounced back from hard times. She tracked 400 people for 25 years, from ages 5 to 30, studying the main characteristics of those who did best in difficult circumstances.

Her findings?

“Resilient people identify those who are available, trustworthy and helpful. Then they go towards this light,” says Dr. Carbonell.

In psychologist Professor Ed Diener’s research he’s found that close relationships actually influence overall joy far more than income! And good strong friendships can even ward off germs – by lowering stress, and improving your immune system.

A Bingingham University study dittos these findings -- reporting people who claim to have 5 or more friends with whom they can discuss important problems, are 60% more likely to say that they are “very happy.”

According to Dr. John Haidt the urge for humans to seek the sweetness of other people is just as natural and strong as bees who migrate towards a honey hive. Haidt believes we humans, just like bees, feel the most comfortable and thriving when we are members of a larger hive. Hence why many folks feel so unsettled and lost when alone too often, without the comfort of others.

So if you want to feel at the top of your game, it’s essential to spend time buzzing around with supportive people!

Your Assignment:

Make sure you are playing the right amount of hide and seek! Figure out who your sweet hive people might be. Make a list of all the people you consider close friends. Now ask yourself: Who is 100% rooting for you to live your happiest life – and not competing or jealous? Who do you always feel happier after visiting – not more depressed? These are your your supportive hive people. Go towards these hive people often! Let them know how much you appreciate them often -- and your hive will further thrive!

Remember: One of the indirectly good things about going through bad times – it can bring you closer to others, bonding you in a truly emotionally, meaningful way!

The Paradoxical Commandments

1. People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.

2. If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.

3. If you are successful, you win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.

4. The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.

5. Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.

6. The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.
Think big anyway.

7. People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.
Fight for a few underdogs anyway.

8. What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.

9. People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
Help people anyway.

10. Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you have anyway.

I just discovered the above Paradoxical Commandments by Dr. Kent Keith in researching for my BOUNCE BACK BOOK. I've invited the author to come on my Sirius show BE HAPPY DAMMIT -- and will definitely let you know when that will be.

If you have your favorite quotes which keep you inspired during challenging times, please share them below!

"I wish I could figure out how to talk with my dad....."

"I wish I could figure out how to talk with my dad.You know in one of my animal books I read that all animals have this primal need to talk. Even those you don't think talk, do talk. Even earthworms talk... although not really well. Whales even bother to strike up conversations as far as 700 miles away! Biologists don't know what whales could find so important to say. Biologists guess they simply have a primal need to say: 'Yo! Whale here! Whale here!' Which is how I often feel with my dad. 'Yo! Daughter here! Daughter here!'"

The above quote is from my NEW tween fiction book...just out this week...called GIRL WONDERS, an empowering and inspiring book for girls 8 to 13.

I'm proud to announce that the reviews for my tween writing have been... well... terrific:

"Salmansohn is not afraid of challenging her audience and carries it off. This title is bound to please the pre-adolescent set." — School Library Journal

"Salmansohn makes her children's book debut and deftly finds satisfying - and credible - solutions to all concerns plaguing her plucky heroine." — Publisher's Weekly

"Some essential questions of adolescence have been examined here in smart, funny, unexpected ways." — ForeWord Magazine

I had a lot of fun writing this book, and sneaking in helpful insights written in playful language.

If you have a special little girl in your life, age 8 to 13, let her know about GIRL WONDERS today!

WARNING: Obstacles to joy appear larger than they truly are during crisis!

ANNOUNCING A NEW SEMINAR!

THE BOUNCE BACK SEMINAR!

Monday, June 18th at 7pm at THE SOHO HOUSE in NYC!

A bad breakup. A serious illness. The loss of a job. The death of a parent. Life has a habit of throwing people curveballs.

To which I say: "When life throws you curveballs, hit them out of the park!"

My newest Bounce Back Seminar is jampacked with an inspiring collection of top resilience tips from happiness research, psychological studies, Greek philosophy, nutrition and exercise experts, and more!

So if you're presently trying to overcome a challenge - absolutely come to my inspiring Bounce Back Seminar -- and learn all the latest research tips on how to bounce back happier, stronger, better than ever before!

WHEN: June 18th at 7pm

WHERE: The Soho House, 9th Ave. between 13th and 14th St.

FEE: $35.00 by paypal at my site $45.00 at the door

BONUS: 1 FREE WEEK AT YOGAWORKS, FIZZY LIZZIE BEVERAGE, CHOCOLATE FRETZELS (yum, yum!), SEPHORA FREEBIES,2 BELLES LINGERIE, and PERVARTISTRY GAMES!

PLUS A RAFFLE: Win all kinds of goodies like a FREE TRAINING SESSION with my amazing personal trainer, Josh Margolis, who owns/runs NYC'S acclaimed MIND OVER MATTER (Pssst...if you're looking for a trainer...Joshua Margolis is fab! He's got a Bachelors Degree in Sports Psychology. He holds certifications from A.C.E., A.I.F.E., and N.A.S.M, and is also prenatal and postpartum fitness certified. Joshua has been working in the health and fitness arena for over 5 years designing personalized fitness programs which incorporate motivational techniques to enhance performance. His fitness philosophy: "Your self image and habits go hand in hand; change one and you will automatically change the other.")

QUICKIE GOOD NEWS: One of my research studies reports that bad events happily come with a bad memory. Post-bad-times not only do most people rebound back to their average happiness level - but often bounce back to even higher-than-usual good moods! Psychologists believe this bounce back up-up-upper affect is due to people re- appreciating all the good they have in their life.

ASAP Bounce Back Assignment: Write a Gratitude List. Who do you love? What do you love? Pay more attention to these people and things, and you'll be on your way to jumpstarting happiness ASAP.

RSVP NOW THRU PAY PAL BY CLICKING HERE AND LOOKING IN THE LEFT HAND COLUMN!

Quick: Why do you want to make lots of money?

Your most-likely answer: to be happy, dammit!

But does more money really lead to more happiness?

"Standard of living has increased dramatically and happiness has increased not at all, and in some cases has diminished slightly," says Professor Daniel Kahneman of the University of Princeton.

Interestingly... Bhutan, a remote Himalayan kingdom, has consistently remained one of the happier places in our world – even though it is not close to being one of the richest.

Their secret?

Their government creates policies based on Gross National Happiness.

This includes:

1.Banning advertising – because the science of happiness shows advertising is a major cause of unhappiness – creating envy by making people feel “less well-off.”

2.Pushing for more exercise and healthier eating. In fact the Bhutan government actually discourages junk food – along with cigarettes and alcohol – recognizing the healthier the body, the happier the mind!

The idea that politics should be about creating "the greatest happiness of the greatest number" is actually not new. It goes back to Jeremy Bentham, an 18th century philosopher, who tried to get politicians to create policies which upped citizen’s general happiness levels.

Recently Bentham’s ideas have been dusted off and revisited in Britain, where the Prime Minister's Strategy Unit held a "Life Satisfaction" seminar and considered the following concepts:

1.creating a happiness index

2.teaching people about happiness

3.encouraging more support for volunteering

4.creating a "more leisured work-life balance"

5.creating higher taxes for the rich – so there’d be less of a division between the very rich and very poor -- and thereby less envy and its accompanying depression affects.

Britain’s Richard Layard, author of HAPPINESS: LESSONS FOR A NEW SCIENCE, is also actively pushing the government to immediately employ another 10,000 therapists – so as to increase the happiness of citizens!

With all this in mind, I want you to stop overly-focusing on how much money you’re making, and re-focus on how much happiness you’re making!

MY BETTER THAN CASH IN THE BANK LIST OF THINGS TO CASH IN ON:

1.Avoid poison envy. Consistently studies show comparison kills happiness. Consciously re-focus on what you have. Try to end your day with "A 3 Blessings List" - recognizing three things which went well - and why!

2.Spend loving time with friends and family – for both more happiness and more health! Get this: Studies show friendship wards off germs! Just as stress triggers ill health, the greater your friendships, the greater the protective effect against ill health!

3. Live a life with meaning and purpose. How? Appreciate how what you do in your job, and contribute to your friends, family and community -- all matters! Look for new ways to give back to the people around you. Altruism is actually an act of self-interest. Studies consistently show that people who are involved with volunteerism are a happier group.

4.Keep trying to use your “signature strength” in new ways. It will increase your self esteem – which increases happiness. Plus you’ll be tapping into 3 other big happiness boosters: newness, challenge, consistent growth!

Planning an unusual blind date: meeting your paramour’s kids for that very (scary!) first time...

Confession: At first I was unsure about my decision to date my now (amazing!) longterm boyfriend - G. we will call him – to protect his identity.

Although, G might as well be short for Gee Why Did I Ever Hesitate?

Actually – Gee Come To Think of It -- One Of Those Reasons Was That I Wasn’t Sure About Dating Someone Who Came with A Child.

As it turns out, the old me (who I guess was actually the “younger” me!) was being an idiot.

Because the new me (who I guess is actually the “older” me!) is loving dating a man who comes with a kid.

Indeed, dating G is like getting one fabulous love (G The Man) – then getting another fabulous love free (S The Daughter -- or I guess that would be “s” not “S” -- because "s" is a totally adorable little 7 year old sweetie pie!)

If any of you out there are hesitating to date someone simply because they have kids – I’m here to tell you -- expand your dating horizons and you will expand your heart with extra loving!

Being that I am a best selling self help book author, you can be sure G and I put a lot of thoughtful preparation into making sure G and I picked the right time and place for our first blind date intro to flow successfully. If you're dating a divorced person with children, below are some helpful psychology tips to keep in mind.

1. Wait until you’re exclusive and committed to make that initial intro. You don’t want to be constantly bombarding your child with a string of strumpets. (I love that word “strumpet”!)

2. Tell your child you want them to meet someone you personally feel is very special -- but don't tell your child how they MUST feel about this new person.

3. Prepare your child at least one week before the actual event – so they have time to process.

4. Check in with your child a few times during this week. Ask them how many of the following 5 main emotions they feel -- the Big Five that the terrific Morrie Shectman writes about: glad, sad, mad, hurt and afraid – and why.

5. Recognize your child might view your paramour as a threat to their own personal time with you – as being someone who is breaking and entering into your own Special Little Club. Even if your child doesn’t say it aloud, know they may wonder things like: "Will this new paramour go to the playground and talk to Dad -- and then Dad won't watch me play and play with me?" Take the lead. Reassure your child that you will still be there for them in all the usual ways.

6. If your child is particularly mad, sad, hurt and/or afraid, warmly explain how adults need time with other adults, just as children need time with other children. If you want, say something like: "You are the most important person in my life, but like you I need to spend time with people my own age. I know some kids don't like it when their parents date. How do you feel about this?”

7. Keep the first meet-up with everyone short – to under four hours

8. Don’t rely on the sheer force of conversation for the first meet-up. Plan a fun activity to do together.

9. You and your paramour should both go easy on the Public Displays of Adorableness. Avoid your usual kissing, touching and general loveydoveyism.

10. After this initial blind date meet-up everyone should check in with everyone about how everyone feels. Parent with child. And paramour with paramour. Oh...and both paramours should feel free to partake in using those same 5 basic feelings as fodder for conversation: mad, sad, glad, hurt and afraid – and be sure to include those accompanying why's.

BE HAPPY DAMMIT TIPS!

This has been a super fun week on my sirius show Be Happy Dammit at Lime 114.

Some highlights...

WEDNESDAY, MAY 16 TH 8:00
A GOOD WAY TO BE GOOD TO ANIMALS: GOODSEARCH.COM

JJ Ramberg talked with me about how she created a world-changing company called Goodsearch.com. Every time you use its search engine, Ramberg has it set up that various companies advertising on her site donate money to a variety of charitable organizations -- like the TV celebrity Cesar's famed Millan Foundation -- aka The Dog Whisperer Foundation. Stacey Candella, the head of this Foundation, talked about how much she appreciates all the good Goodsearch.com is doing to help animals in need - and why raising money is so important for her cause.


WEDNESDAY, MAY 16 TH 8:15
SECRETS TO LONGLASTING AND LUSTING LOVE

Jonathan Fields talked with me about the Love Lab -- Dr. John Gottman's research laboratory which has found a way to predict divorce 10 years out -- with 94% accuracy -- based on a mere 15-minute observation of couples. Plus we talked about that magic 5 to 1 ratio which happy couples have -- where there are 5 nice moments to every nasty moment. Similarly. in the workplace, teams with 3/1 postive/negative interactions are significantly more productive. However, interestingly, when the ratio goes up to 13 nice to 1 nasty moment the productivity starts to erode – most likely because it starts to feel like false positivity which leads to a patronizing feeling.


THURSDAY, MAY 17TH, 8:00 - 8:30
THE # 1 SECRET FUEL FOR SUCCESS: PASSION


Daniel Schutzsmith is often called "an evangelist for creative people" -- because he has a business which helps inspire creative people to pursue their passions -- by guiding them with a wise strategy and productive process. He's famous for his "Creative Business Bootcamp", and talked with me about what it's like to give seminars at the CRE8 Conference set in -- of all places -- Disney World! And...Daniel and I will both be speaking at the same conference in June - THE HOW DESIGN CONFERENCE. So if you're interested in learning more about the business of creativity sign up for that conference ASAP -- in Hotlanta...um...er I mean Atlanta!If you do sign up let me know and I'd love to meet you for a drink at barside!


FRIDAY, MAY 18TH, 8:30-9:00
LOVE IN THE PRESENT TENSE:How To Have A High Intimacy, Low Maintenance Marriage

Morrie Shechtman literally wrote the book on how to do this. Actually, that is the title of his latest book -- which I loved and we talked about. Some of his provocative ideas included: How Smart Women Become Dumb When They Get Married; Why Most Couples Settle For Mediocrity In Their Relationships; If You Never Fight, You Lost Interest A Long Time Ago; Unconditional Acceptance: The Ultimate Abandonment; It Pays To Be Average Looking: Why Good-Looking People Struggle With Intimacy; Data Dumps: Why Most Couples Bore Each Other To Death;
Love Conquers All: Only For Idiots

If any of the above pisses you off -- or just plain intrigues you -- feel free to comment on my blog space below!

MAY 21st -- SOHO HOUSE EXTREME SUCCESS SEMINAR - IN NYC!

Behind every wildly successful business person is always a ballsy story of how they got there!

Indeed you don't need to work longer hours -- just ballsier hours!

Monday May 21st at 7pm at the exclusive NYC SOHO HOUSE I will give you pointers on how to become your ballsiest, most successful self -- from my best selling book BALLSY!

Some sneak peek pointers:

The more people you know, the luckier you will be. Mom was wrong. It’s Okay to talk to Strangers. And ...there are specific hot times to cold call. (tip #4)

If at first you don’t succeed you're doing something stupid. Why you shouldn't just seek compliments, but seek criticism. (tip #6)

It doesn’t matter how good your beef tenderloin is. Don’t try to sell it to a vegan store. How to better target in on your target audience. (tip #20)

Whenever possible, play with people who are better than you. How to meet the Supermodelers in your career -- and why you should be other peoples' Supermodeler (tip #39)

Come join me and NOT ONLY will receive my time-after-time tested techniques for achieving extreme success...

BUT ALSO FREE, FREE, FREE: 1 week pass to Yogaworks, Sweetriot chocolate, FizzyLizzy beverages, Vibrel sexual enhancer - plus even MORE FREE STUFF!

How did I get all this very cool FREE stuff?

Simple -- I was a ballsy gal and snagged it for you!

DATE: MAY 21ST

TIME: 7PM - 8:30 PM

FEE: $35.00 per person

NEW: PAYPAL SIGN UP AT MY SITE -- see seminars page on left column!

LOCATION: SOHO HOUSE AT 9TH AVE. BETWEEN 13TH/14TH

FOR LOVE...AND/OR MONEY?

There’s a famous expression: “It’s as easy to love a rich man as it is to love a poor man.”

There’s also a not-so-famous expression (because I’m making it up!): “It’s as easy to complain about a rich man as it is to complain about a poor man.”

Although the total absence of an income might bring its share of stress into a relationship, adamantly seeking a marital partner who’s a millionaire won’t necessarily guarantee you a lifetime of bliss.

Consistently studies show that individuals who prioritize wealth over close human connection tend to be less happy—and this is consistent in every culture.

Sociological researcher H. W. Perkins surveyed 800 college alumni, and discovered that those who reported “Yuppie values” (preferring high income, job success, and status over enjoying truly close friendships and highly-connected love relationships) were twice as likely to describe themselves as “fairly” or “very” unhappy

Interestingly, a similar correlation appeared among 7,167 college students surveyed in 41 countries. Those who prioritized love over money reported higher life satisfaction than their money-obsessed pals.

And what about that rumor: money problems are a top cause of divorce? Mere hearsay – according to Jan Andersen, associate professor at CSU Sacramento, who did extensive sociological research and wrote a doctoral dissertation on this very subject.

“As a predictor of divorce, money problems are … so minor,” Andersen says. “If we look at all the causes of divorce, financial problems can only account for 5% of the effect.”

On an interesting note, when Anderson first embarked on his research, his goal was to prove a cause/affect link between money/divorce. Andersen was both a child of divorce and a teacher of personal finance and so he liked the concept that improving money managing skills might improve marriage success rates.

However to Andersen’s surprise, the only research he found showing an actual link between money and divorce was one mere survey from 1948 -- of postwar divorced women asked what ended their marriages. Their leading response: “nonsupport.” Translation: Hubby wasn’t providing enough money.

But Andersen clarified that “nonsupport” was one of the only grounds you could use to get a divorce back then. Plus, this survey focused only on wives’ opinions -- not husbands.

Recent research, however, consistently showed money playing a far lesser role in divorce – usually ranking about fifth in the blame line-up – behind incompatibility, lack of emotional support, abuse and sexual problems.

Andersen hypothesis: Money is a more socially acceptable reason for divorce than confessing to abuse or sexual problems, so people claim it out loud more often.

Another essential point to keep in mind: Even when couples fight about money, they’re often really fighting about more important underlying problems -- reminds Olivia Mellan, a Washington D.C. therapist and author of “Money Harmony: Resolving Money Conflicts in Your Life and Relationships.”

“It’s always what the money represents: dependency, control, freedom, security, pleasure, self-worth,” explains Mellan.

The lesson to be learned from all this: All the money in the world won’t make you happy. But a loving highly-connected relationship just might.

With this in mind, here’s some priceless money/love advice:

1. When in the courting phase, make sure you and your paramour do a range of activities having nada to do with moola. Go for a picnic in the park. Eat in a greasy spoon diner. Cook at home and watch an old movie. Suss out how much you enjoy each other’s company while merely putting cheese-whiz on a Ritz -- and not putting on the Ritz!

2. Talk directly about money with your paramour. How much do you need to be happy – and why? What do you prioritize spending money on? Trips. Clothes. A fabulous home. Charity events. College Education. Plastic surgery. Saving rainforests. Do you share the same monetary priorities? Are you both compatible when it comes to being high vs. low spenders?

3. Discuss with your partner how each of you relates money to self-worth, pleasure, freedom, security, dependency, control. Do you both share compatible attitudes about the underlying “value” and “role” of money?

4. Buy a bunch of gossip magazines, and read all about the troubled relationships of the rich and famous. Obviously money is not buying guaranteed happiness amongst the jet set.

5. If you insist on marring rich, make sure your partner has a diversified “good character values” portfolio – with the full gamut of valuing communication, loyalty, warmth, friendship, family, trust, and compassion.

No doubt about it. A night spent with the right intimate partner eating tuna fish sandwiches is far more enjoyable than a night spent with the wrong partner eating lobster and caviar.

YOUR TWO BIGGEST ENEMIES IN BUSINESS...

Warning! No matter what business you are in, you must always be looking out for your two biggest enemies:

1. your competition
2. your own damn self

I’m constantly coaching clients how to get out of their own way.

Morris Shechtman, author of Fifth Wave Leadership: The Internal Frontier, also recognizes this tendency for self-sabotage -- even in the top executives in the Fortune 500 companies he does consulting for.

Shechtman explains:“If you want to keep rising up in your career, you must recognize your ‘familiars’ -- your amazingly persistent collection of attitudes rooted in your childhood -- which cause you to act in predictable ways -- which hold you back from moving forward.”

Through workshops and consulting, Shechtman helps executives confront long buried demons keeping them from optimal work performance. He does this with candid humor and a no-nonsense list of 75 Surprising Truths to Live Your Workplace Life by.

My favorites are below:

1. Teamwork Is A Result Of Conflict And Confrontation -- Not Consensus And Agreement.

2. Feedback Is Constructive When Its Goal Is To Give People Information That Helps Them Learn, Grow, And Change.

3. Nothing Will Lower Your Credibility Faster Than Avoiding Conflict.

4. Clarity Creates AdvocatesAndEnemies.

5. All Change Is Loss—It Doesn’t Matter Whether It’s “Good” Change… Or “Bad” Change

6. The Amount of Time Spent Together Is One Of The Poorest Indicators Of Intimacy Achieved.

7. Intimacy Is Impossible To Achieve Without A Commitment To Engage In Self-Disclosure And Conflict.

8. The Two Key Skills In Life Are The Ability To Make Decisions And The Ability To Build Relationships. Everything Else Is A Distant Third.

9. If You’re Not Judgmental, You Don’t Really Care.

10. Goals Are Where You’re Going. Values Are How You’re Going To Get There.

11. Anger Is The Outward Manifestation Of Disappointment. Disappointment Is The Gap Between What You Have And What You Want.

12. Disappointment Is The Catalyst For The Next Stage Of Growth.

13. There Are No Business Problems—There Are Only Personal Issues Which Get Manifested At Work.

14. Successful People Use Feedback Immediately.

15. What Stops People In Their Careers Is Not That They’ve Gone As Far As They Can Go, But That They’ve Gone As Far As Their Familiars Will Allow.

CAREER TIP:If you were able to go into business with anyone - who would it be?

This morning on my SIRIUS radio show BE HAPPY DAMMIT Judy Martin -- work/life culture pundit and journalist -- came on and offered an interesting study along with helpful career tips...and so I asked her to guest blog at my site.

Here's Judy Martin:

A study by the Small Business division of Capital One Financial found that 66 percent of those who dreamed of owning their own business would want Oprah as their most desirable partner. The Donald, Martha Stewart, and U2’s Bono were next. Aside from name recognition, and the cash windfall, how do you relate to their image?

But...enough about them! What does your image stand for?

Who are you and how do you show up in business?

There’s a marked difference between image and authentic identity. Often we get so caught up in presenting ourselves in a way we believe others will accept us, thinking it will lead to a successful interaction. But problems arise at the heart of business when the parties don’t live up to the “image” expectation. If we could be more authentic when we interact, not fearful of our true self – doors will open.

Here’s a few questions to ask yourself before the work day:

1. “Who am I?” : Just give yourself a few minutes to contemplate that question without any judgment.

2. “What are the most positive characteristics about myself that I can focus on today?” Do they conflict with how others might perceive me?

3. “Do I listen with awareness to the person with whom I’m speaking?” Listening clears the way for more of your own intuition to spring forth.

For more about Judy Martin click here or then again click here

"Do not fear death so much, but rather the inadequate life" -Bertolt Brecht

My father is dying.

It feels surreal to type that sentence.

And after typing those words, it begins to finally feel real.

We are taught in this culture to deny death.

Indeed, talking about death is considered a rather morbid conversation to lure someone into.

Plus, it’s as if we secretly fear we might “catch death” indirectly -- simply talking about it!

But now, as I prepare for the sad potentiality of my father’s death, I find myself becoming more aware of the importance of talking about death – openly -- very openly – with others.

I confess at first I felt awkward starting conversations about my father and his illness – and in thinking about why this might be – I remembered back to a quick sort of funny story.

A QUICK SORT OF FUNNY STORY: My initial inspiration for writing HOW TO BE HAPPY DAMMIT came from reading Sogyal Rinpoche’s “THE TIBETAN BOOK OF LIVING AND DYING.” I remember when I initially read this book I actually skipped the passages about “dying” – completely. I thought (get this!) those sections about death did NOT apply to me! Afterall, I was healthy. My family was healthy. I didn’t need to read about dying. Then one night on a whim, I began to skim through those very death passages – and cracked up. Much of what Rinpoche wrote about in these sections was written for the healthy and the vibrant – to warn us NOT to live with denial about death – because death absolutely came with a lifetime guarantee! And the sooner we healthy and vibrant folks could recognize that we are not invincible, the sooner we might use our energy to enjoy our lives to their utmost.

I picked up Rinpoche’s book again this weekend while I was visiting my father in the hospital and read Rinpoche’s passages on dying once again. So much of what he wrote makes so much sense.

He warns us not to become “unconscious living corpses.” Meaning? If we’re not careful, we can sleepwalk through our lives – afraid to feel our deepest feelings – afraid to risk going for our truest desires.

He describes a Western tendency called “active laziness” – our urgent need to cram up our lives with compulsive unimportant activities – leaving little leftover time to confront our most important issues. He jokingly re-names all the petty projects which we call our “responsibilities” -- as our “irresponsiblities” -- because they stop us from finding the time to do what matters most.

All of this reminded me of a favorite Bertolt Brecht quote: "Do not fear death so much, but rather the inadequate life."

YOUR ASSIGNMENT: Today look at your daily list of “responsibilities” and gauge honestly how many of them are in truth “irresponsibilites”? Ask yourself how you might boldly and truthfully edit down your “to do” list -- to make sure you find the time for your “what matters most to do” list!

ps: We’ve all had life experiences that have impacted us. I welcome you to bring your thoughts and life lessons to my blog to share it with me and the notsalmon community....