Soulmate or Egomate?

There’s a great quote in that wonderful tale, "The Little Prince" where the Prince wisely says: "It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."

What this quote describes is “soulmate love" -- which is a far more mature love than “egomate love" -- which too many people get tricked into seeking -- and thereby never finding true love and true happiness.

In case you’ve been foolishly getting "soulmate love" confused with its lesser"egomate love" fake and faux pas imitiation -- here are some helpful reminders ...

Soulmate

A soulmate is someone whom when you meet -- without thinking – without letting your neocortex play into the decision – you feel an instant familiarity, a sense of connection, a longing.

Egomate

An egomate is someone who you instantly want because you know they will “look good to others” – because this person is beautiful or rich, or has some ego massaging quality. But this thing you like about this person is a generic superficial quality -- rather than the dynamic and tingly connection you feel when with this person.

Soulmate

A soulmate is someone who you could spend a great deal of time with just sitting on a sofa and feel happy. You don’t need fanfare. You don’t need to go out to expensive restaurants. Just being with them cuddling and kissing feels like a vacation.

Egomate

An egomate is someone who you need to spend lots of money on and do ritzy activities with to fully feel the excitement of being with them.

Soulmate

A soulmate is someone who you miss when they’re not around – and can even lose sleep over. When you talk about this person to friends, you might mention their looks or money, but you mainly talk about what makes them special to you – those deeper, less
superficial qualities which are about connecting soul to soul.
You feel a passionate friendship for this person.

Egomate

An egomate is someone who when you talk about this person to friends, you mainly talk about this person as being rich or beautiful -- or any of a variety their trophy qualities which build up your ego. If you’re honest with yourself, some part of you doesn’t respect this partner of yours on certain levels -- or even like them as a friend. Indeed if you weren’t dating this person, you might not even be friends with them. Perhaps you even feel a bit bored by them if you spend too much time alone in their company or sitting on a sofa just talking. But your ego overpowers your instincts, because your ego loves talking about how rich or beautiful this person is – and impressing friends and family.

Soulmate

You’re not looking for perfection in your partner. Perfection is all about the ego. With soulmate love you know that true love is what happens when disappointment sets in – and you’re willing to deal maturely with these disappointments. You recognize nobody is perfect. Not only does your partner have imperfections, so do you. And because you value the deep love and connection you are lucky enough to share, you choose to work on your problems and grow as individuals and as a couple. With soulmate love, you’re not only finally ready to wear your heart on your sleeve, but roll up your sleeves and do the necessary work. Your goal with a soulmate is to create the most fabulous “inside world” – inside yourself as a growing individuals and inside your private relationship as a thriving couple.

Egomate

Your ego cares about perfection. A lot. In particular your ego cares about your partner appearing perfect to the outside world. You’re less forgiving about imperfections in your partner because of your ego – because you take your partner’s imperfections personally -- as showing you as being imperfect -- and your ego does not like your not being perfect. So you put a high priority on looking super cool and perfect to others. Indeed, you are so blinded by the image perks your uber-gorgeous or uber-rich partner offers up. that there’s an immature part of you who doesn’t really feel the need to connect in friendship with your partner – or grow as a person when problems arise in the relationship. You just care about the “ego symbols” you are showing to the outside world.

Soulmate

Your partner could gain weight, lose all their money, lose all their hair - and you wouldn’t care. You love them for their core self.

Egomate

If your partner gained weight, lost their money, lost their hair, you’d lose your “ego symbol”and thereby feel less attracted to this person and want to break up.

In summary: Soulmate love is far more satisfying. Afterall, looks and money can (and often) fade. But a bad personality and bad values and a bad intimacy connection are forever.

The "Who Knew?" Guru

The findings of a recent Wall Street Journal ranking of the most influential business thinkers might surprise you. Only one of the top five thinkers is an actual traditional business guru -- which is not only interesting, but good news for my boss, Karen Salmansohn -- who is herself an unconventional business guru, with her best selling books -- like HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS WITHOUT A PENIS and GUT: HOW TO THINK FROM YOUR MIDDLE TO GET TO THE TOP, and BALLSY: 99 WAYS TO SCORE EXTREME BUSINESS SUCCCESS. So it seems Karen is part of a big trend. Meaning? I'll probably have my job working for her for a long time to come!

I spotted this trend in an article Erin White wrote for WSJ called "New Breed of Business Gurus Rises." Below are those top five. Check it out: 4/5ths of the bulk of them are a psychologist, 2 journalists, and a celebrity CEO.

1. Author and "traditional" consultant Gary Hamel
2. Journalist Thomas Friedman
3. Author and Journalist Malcolm Gladwell
4. Former Microsoft CEO Bill Gates
5. Harvard psychology professor Daniel Goleman

Each of these thinkers has done their share to change the way we "do" business. But rather than focusing on how they've changed business, we must focus on what this shift away from "traditional" gurus means for business.

Examining this trend leads us to many conclusions, but the main reason people are looking to unconventional gurus is because "time-strapped managers are hungry for easily digestible advice wherever they can find it." That's according to Thomas H. Davenport, a management professor at Babson College and the compiler of the ranking.

Today's most pressing business concerns include weighty issues like globalization, innovation, and motivation. Rather than relying on didactic, esoteric business theories and policies, managers are looking for easily digestible, yet still profound, pieces of advice. And they've found it in these not-so-run-of-the-mill advisers.

This new culture of gurus presents managers with a win-win situation. Because each business-expert comes from a different walk of life, people are getting a broader range of information. Each brings with them a special qualification or knowledge in a particular area that provides a more eclectic pool of information.

One dynamic missing in this pool, however, is women. Not one woman made it in the list of the Wall Street Journal's top 20. The lack of a woman's presence proves that there is another pressing business issue to be understood, namely, diversity. If you'd like to help solve our nation's diversity issues, I recommend you check out some of my boss Karen Salmansohn's unconventional business books -- which you can see in the book section on this site. Buy a few not only for yourself but friends -- and you will be doing your part to help to make sure there might be a woman business thinker on that list next year in WSJ!


Holley Simmons Reporting!

Word to the Wise

cloy–verb
1. to weary by an excess of food, sweetness, pleasure, etc.; surfeit; satiate.
2. to become uninteresting or distasteful through overabundance.

You've no doubt heard that quote "Everything in moderation."

That includes chocolate, beer, love, and, yes, broccoli.

Even things which are good for us become our worst enemy when consumed in mass quantities. It's essential to cut ourselves off at an acceptable point before our consumption takes a toll on us.

In addition to being bad for us, certain surpluses can lead to a lack off interest in what once used to excite us. Like the 2nd definition of today's "Word to the Wise" suggests, we become uninterested due to this overabundance.

For example, I love dumplings. You wrap anything up in a tight little won ton wrapper and I'll eat it. One night, I tried my hand at my own home-made pork dumplings-75 of them.

By the time I got to my 25th dumpling (I'm not kidding you…) I felt nauseous. I gave the rest to friends and vowed to never make them on my own again to avoid the same gluttony.

Funny thing is, though, I haven't been able to eat them at all ever since. What once brought joy to my life, now caused not only sickness but dullness. Since dumplings had always been a periodic treat for me, over-loading myself with so many at once really ruined any further experiences.

Dumplings are a silly example, but they're representative of what happens to us when we put all of our interest in one metaphorical won ton wrapper. Whether it be a new love interest who we're infatuated with, or a shirt of ours we wear constantly because it accentuates our hips nicely, we're bound to grow out of that initial feeling of yearning.

Under some circumstances, however, I can see how superfluity can be healthy. After a break-up, happiness lies at the bottom of that quart of Ben and Jerry's Chubby Hubby. Working hard in order to save up for a fabulous set of bed sheets is totally commendable, considering you've earned it.

So in conclusion, perhaps we should add a flourish to that much talked about sentiment and start to say... "Everything in moderation...INCLUDING moderation."

Holley Simmons Reporting!

There's no "Friend" in Business

Can bosses be too nice?

According to an article by David Koeppel on Portfolio.com a boss needs to be a little bossy to succeed at the workplace.

Indeed, 9 out of 10 workplace problems are caused by the lack of engagement on the part of a manager.

Rather than being an effective leader, some managers play so much nicey-nice wanting to be everyone's friend - and in the process wind up avoiding important managerial duties like criticism, feedback, employee guidance, reprimanding an employee when they've failed, and confronting a worker when they haven't met set goals or expectations.

These kinds of dialogues are imperative for an office and it's output to be effective. Unfortunately, when managers fail to have them, they're often conducted by a less qualified person.

Also... one of the big roles of a manager is to direct and oversee the final products of an office. If this final goal remains unclear and unstated because a boss is playing nicey-nice, then mixed signals and misinterpretations will occur -- creating a hodgepodge of what everyone thinks they're supposed to be doing.

Plus, if an employee is faltering at work and they don't know it, how can they ever improve? Without someone to boldly tell them how they can make themselves a better worker, they will be forever stuck in a stagnant pool of mediocrity.

Ditto in relationships.

Being disengaged in a love relationship – trying to play so nicey-nice that you stop being authentic and communicative -- is also a surefire way to ensure a relationship's demise. A disengaged nicey-nice partner will wind up coming off as bored and disinterested, which in turn rubs off on the people around them.

So try to make sure you're not playing nicey-nice with those around you. And if you're not -- but you know someone who is -- be sure not to be too nicey- nice about it -- and instead confront them with helpful, instructive ways that they can improve.

Holley Simmons Reporting!

Trophy Lives

You've seen at least one. Maybe you've been one. A totally mismatched couple -- where the woman is sexy and beautiful, and the man is balding and nerdy.

This no doubt happens conversely. Not that men date balding women. But I confess I've also seen many a gorgeous man with a so-so woman. For the purpose of this article, however, I'm simply intrigued by the notion of women who have the upper-hand in the looks department, and rather than date a hottie choose a nottie.

Why do these babes choose this way? In an article from www.livescience.com, Jeanna Bryner explains what was once thought to be an act of desperation or a lack of confidence is now being interpreted as a strategic decision.

Relationships where women are better looking than their male mates are shown to fare better in the long-run.

It's like this: Consistent research shows men place a greater emphasis on beauty than women. Men even equate relationship satisfaction with the attractiveness of their mates. To some men, beautiful women serve as justification that they're desirable. They feel like the envy of all their friends because such a good-looking woman has chosen to settle down with only them.

On the other hand, research shows women are more interested in relationships where they feels emotionally supported. In a study assessing 82 newlyweds, researchers videotaped each spouse as they discussed with their partner a personal problem for 10 minutes. The tapes were then analyzed for whether partners were supportive of spouses' issues. A group of trained "coders" rated the facial attractiveness of each spouse on a scale from 1 to 10, with the perfect 10 representing the ultimate babe. About a third of the couples had a more attractive wife, a third a more attractive husband and the remaining partners showed matching looks.

Overall, wives and husbands behaved more positively when the woman was better looking.

The finding "seems very reasonable," said Dan Ariely, a professor of behavioral economics at MIT's Program in Media Arts and Sciences and Sloan School of Management. "Men are very sensitive to women's attractiveness. Women seem to be sensitive to men's height and salary."

Personally, I agree that physical attractiveness is important in a relationship, but I don't think it's paramount to a couple's "survival rate." After all, beauty fades - but a bad personality is forever. You need to find someone with whom you ALWAYS feel a connection, regardless of looks. Plus, who said you can't be attractive AND supportive? This issue can't be looked at in such a black or white manner.

Also, I can't imagine women are the only sex looking for support. Aren't there just as many men out there looking for emotional support and reassurance?

Chemistry between two people is determined by many factors -- so why bother putting such a large emphasis on looks?

Holley Simmons reporting!

A New Kind of Therapy: Reality TV

Think reality television and you may instantly assume “junk” or “trashy.” Filled with “real” people who want to be the next great singer or D- list celeb, many shows are a waste of that precious commodity called “free time.”

Yet, a new phenomenon is sweeping reality TV. According to James Poniewozik in his article “Reality TV Wants to Heal You” more shows are overtly -- or covertly -- about mental makeovers.

Instead of merely focusing on the misadventures of affluent, sex-obsessed shallow hotties, they’re focusing on inspiring and helping real people achieve important life goals. Even stars like Oprah have jumped on the reality TV train to help promote charities and emphasize the importance of giving back.

Pick an issue that Americans are facing today, and there is most likely a show dedicated to curing it. The Biggest Loser helps coach weight loss. MTV’s Made aims to give outcast kids self-confidence. Plus, there are shows for socially challenged nerds, out of control kids, and addicts in need of intervention. All these shows have a positive psychology benefit. They emotionally connect with viewers on a deep heart level – reminding folks that a “can do” attitude results in positive change.

Poniewozik admits that perceiving “Reality TV” as “Good-For-You TV” might seem contradictory at first. But when you think about it, the reality genre has from the get-go always been dealing with troubled relationships, self esteem issues, and personal problems.

Poniewozik points out that from Survivor to American Idol, reality’s premise has always been that what does not get you eliminated makes you stronger!

And even a show like What Not to Wear is more than just a mere fashionista manifesta. The show truly emotionally connects with the all too many tired, disgruntled women of this world who so desperately need motivation to do something good for themselves, too.

The common thread on all these shows: There are no external circumstances you cannot overcome by improving your internal attitude. You might vie to get into those skinny jeans. Or perhaps your goal is a perfect marriage. Anywhichway, the “yes” attitude these shows promote and applaud is the secret to getting where you want to go. And it’s an inspiring reminder to watch others struggle and win!

Now, I’m not suggesting you set your DVR to tape every reality show available and have a marathon weekend. Pick and choose what interests you, and you will soon receive your mini dose of therapy and inspiration (and a good laugh).

Nisha Kumar reporting!

Our "Word to the Wise" series continues...

per·spi·cu·i·ty [pur-spi-kyoo-i-tee]
–noun
clearness or lucidity, as of a statement.

Sometimes when we have strong feelings about an issue, it's difficult to express ourselves eloquently, especially to the person who caused these feelings. We fall back on stonewalling, manipulative double-speak or even passive aggressive behavior.

But these actions, or more appropriately inactions, only leave us in a worse state.

The best thing to do when someone does something that upsets us is to LET THEM KNOW! How on earth else will they know how we're feeling? Just because we feel strongly about an issue, doesn't mean the intensity is reciprocated.

Take for example, a relationship in which the woman wants to move things forward to exclusivity. Rather than just coming out and saying, "You know, I'm very interested in you and am wondering how you feel about making this relationship more serious", she instead tells the other person she's going on a date, just to see their reaction and stir up feelings of jealousy.

Unfortunately, this "double-speak-zero-truth-speak" might wind up leading their love interest to interpret the date as a sign that the woman is not interested in being exclusive. They, in turn, make plans with another woman to counter-act. Oh how that backfired!

The truth is, if we're close enough with someone to share our feelings with them, then we should be close enough to tell them the absolute truth. This rule applies to romantic relationships, sexual relationships, relationships with our parents, co-workers,…The list goes on and on.

Honesty really IS the best policy. Although it's difficult at times to put ourselves out there and make ourselves vulnerable, it's absolutely necessary if we want relationships filled with understanding and compassion - and true joyous intimacy.

We should never be afraid to say what we want. Otherwise, we might never get it, dammit!

Holley Simmons reporting!

Fighting With Your Sweetie?

How's your love life these days? Is there still loving love in your relationship?

If your sweetie did something…well, unsweet, and youre upset... remember how you talk and listen to each other, will determine whether or not you remain with each other.
Darlene Mininni, Phd, author of the book THE EMOTIONAL TOOLKIT, has some helpful tips to make sure your honest conversations don’t become your last conversations.

1. Begin difficult conversations WITHOUT criticism. According to Gottman’s research from The Love Lab, 96% of the time you can predict how a conversation will end based on its first three minutes. So make sure you don’t start out BLAMING – or calling the person an uncaring person. If you do, then your sweetie will spend more time defending themselves, than attending to your needs and feelings. Instead, explain how the situation affects you – affects your feelings, values, goals. After your talk, your sweetie should then repeat back how they hear what you feel, so they can fully empathise – be in your shoes, head, heart -- thereby increasing their listening and empathy power – which will increase your ability to find a loving solution power!

2. Don’t try to convince your sweetie you are right and they are wrong. When you feel attacked by your sweetie’s actions/words, it’s normal to want to defend yourself - to explain all the reasons why you are right and your sweetie is wrong. Whether your tone is loving or combative, the underlying thinking is the same: “Once your sweetie realizes how wrong they are, they will change!” Guess what? It ain’t so! So stop trying to focus on winning your arguments. Instead try to focus on having a winning relationship! How? Try talking in “I” sentences instead of “you” sentences – so you speak more about how you feel. (And NO.. “I think you are a jerk is NOT an example of an “I” statement!) Your goal is to get your sweetie to EMPATHISE with you. So forget about facts. Keep staying with your feelings, values, dreams. From this place of empathy, perhaps your sweetie will better hear you -- and thereby want to find a way to take care of your needs and feelings (aka: want to change their evil ways!).

3. When you’re angry, calm yourself before you begin communicating. Although studies show that yelling is better than stonewalling, because at least it’s about intimately connecting with your sweetie, and showing you care enough to want to deal with the problem at hand – alas, yelling has its share of problems as well. Studies show that when people rant and yell, they just get angrier. The best strategy: Wait until you’ve calmed down to speak to your sweetie. Interesting factoid: If you and/or your sweetie’s heartbeat becomes higher than 100 beats per minute during an argument, you will not be able to fully hear what the other person is saying. This physical reason alone is good reason not to yell – as it will only stymie your attempts to communicate, frustrating you further. Also, studies show that a strong emotion like anger literally interferes with your ability to think rightly. When you’re angry parts of your brain’s processing become blocked, and it’s literally more difficult to think clearly and solve problems. Keep in mind a ditty Einstein once said: "The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level thinking we were at when we created them."

4. Never share important conversations by emailing back and forth. Or texting. (Yes some couples talk about important issues by text!). You need to sit in the same room, and if possible hold each other's hands as you have your difficult conversations. This sense of touch will keep you reminded about your goal: to share a loving, empathic conversation.

5. After a conflict, you need to put in the effort of repair. Gottman suggests you need a ratio of 5 to 1 nice/nasty moments- that's 5 nice moments to 1 nasty moment. After a conflict, send loving emails, do loving gestures, share what you love and appreciate about each other out loud -- or in quiet, sexy whispers.

6. Don't obsess about the past. Once a disagreement or difficult situation has occurred, and you've talked empathically about, do not ruminate about it. Forgive and forget. What you should be focusing on after your talk is: Does my sweetie want to change so this conflict does not repeat. If your sweetie is putting in the effort of change -- then, well, your sweetie truly is a sweetie, and you should let them know how much you appreciate their efforts

Word To The Wise... Our Good Words To Live By Series Continues

Today's "Word to the Wise" is one that hits pretty close to home for me;

abulia \uh-BOO-lee-uh; uh-BYOO-\, noun:
Loss or impairment of the ability to act or to make decisions.

I chronically suffer from lack of ability to make decisions, whether it be what to order for dinner or what job offer to take.

I imagine many other people have this problem, so I'd like to try and get to the root of it.

Perhaps people take a long time/find it impossible to make decisions because they are worried the choice they make is utterly permanent.


I worry that if I order the chicken pot pie, and it turns out to be disgusting, there's nothing I can do about it and must eat the whole thing. Or I'm concerned if I take this job because it pays well, but I end up hating it, that I'm stuck in it because I have no other choice.


But we must remember that there's a solution to everything. If you don't like the chicken, send it back and order something else. If you hate the job, put in your resignation and start looking for another one. Life's too short to be choking down things you're not in love with.


It's important to know, however, that the quicker you get out of a bad decision the better. If you let yourself steep in it, you will then get too involved and your optimum chances to change your situation will slip away like sand through your fingers.


Making decision comes down to one thing; knowing what you want. Although it sounds simple enough, it's incredibly hard to pin down what you think will make you happiest in the long run. What you're interested in right now might not be the same thing in five years, or hell, even five minutes.


I find it helpful to live in the now. That way, you're always happiest. Don't stress about the future too much, because there are always ways to fix a problem.


Your decisions are not as permanent as you may think. And that's enough to put me at ease--at least until dinner tonight.

Holley Simmons reporting!

Wake Up!

There are two kinds of people in this world; those who drink tea and those who drink coffee.

Tea drinkers wake up early so that they can reflect in their journals about the dreams they just had while sipping a cup of chamomile.

Coffee drinkers wait till the last possible second to sleep, jump out of bed, and read the newspaper on the way out the door while being scorched by dripping java.

Regardless of what you drink, chances are you could use a little help getting out of bed. Here "Dumb Little Man", the weekly life style blog, outlines 7 tips to help you burst out of bed quicker than you can say "carpe diem."


1. Consistency

Once you find a time that works with and for your internal clock, stick to it. The natural rhythms of our body respond to routine, so by setting your alarm for the same exact time every morning you will be training your body to react quickly. Soon enough, you may not even need an alarm!


2. Have a Big Breakfast

Eating bigger portions during the morning provides our bodies with the fuel we need to function throughout the day. Not only does eating breakfast increase your metabolism, but it also has been proven to improve the thought process. Conversely, try eating lighter at nighttime. Going to sleep on a mostly empty stomach allows your body to take its focus away from digestion and put it towards repairing and rejuvenating other cells.


3. Find something to get out of Bed For

Live every day like it's Christmas morning. Try and focus on things that you'll be happy to get out of bed for, like a great job, a cute pet, or a new exercise routine designed to make you look good. Basically, find things that mean more to you than a little more shuteye.


4. Plan Your Day

Nothing says you've got things to do like a tangible list. By keeping track of the tasks that need to be met, you're setting mini goals for yourself. The best time to do something is NOW, not in five minutes, not tomorrow, but now.


5. Water Water Everywhere

Water is H2 Oh so important to a good night's sleep. Drinking a glass of water before going to bed will serve in your body's natural rejuvenation process. Also, a glass of water in the morning jump-starts your mind and body.


6. Work that Booty

By exerting energy through exercise, you are making yourself tired. So when it comes time to go to bed, you'll fall asleep easier and more relaxed. This relaxation will last all night until the morning, when you'll actually feel rested and ready to attack the day.


7. All about You

Figure out what little thing makes you happiest, and find a way to incorporate it into your morning routine. Whether it be meditation or rock music, develop a 5-minute exercise you can do for instant gratification.

I know it can be hard sometimes to spring out of bed, but you have to remember that life is short. How do you want to remember it…between the covers or between adventures?



Holley Simmons Reporting!

Are you suffering from the “career blahs"?

Are you suffering from the “career blahs"? If so, the probable two root causes of your dissatisfaction are boredom and burnout -- according to Charley Buck, author of the new book Escape the Mid-Career Doldrums.

For example...

Boredom creates the blahs because of...

Lack of Intellectual Challenge
No Chance to Use Your Creativity
A Misfit Between You and the Job
Not Enough To Do

Burnout creates the blahs because of...

suffering from “Perfectionist Syndrome”
feeling overworked
feeling your boss is a jerk!

Chances are your "career blahs" are created by an intertwining potpouri of a few of the above. But whatever the specific cause, consider implementing some of the following common cures.

Cures for the common boredom....

Enhance the Job: Most people possess more control over their jobs than they realize; they have the chance to infuse their jobs with greater challenge, meaning and fun. It sounds obvious, but many people fail to ask their bosses for a tougher or more interesting assignment.

Change jobs within the company or change companies: If you feel there’s a major disconnect between you and your job or that you’ve been unhappy in your position for a long time, then a major change may be necessary.

Find more interesting activities outside of your job: Too often people who are bored at work let boredom permeate their lives. If you’re bored at work because you lack intellectual challenge or enough to do, it might be time to look elsewhere for stimulation.

Cures for common burn out

Take a Break: It may be that you need anything from a long weekend to a longer vacation to a leave of absence in order to relieve the pressure you’re under. Sometimes a day mid-week spent out of the office can work wonders.

Establish Boundaries: In other words, draw a figurative line in the sand and tell yourself that you will not do work or even think about it during certain times of the day and in certain places. With the advent of IM, Blackberries, cell phones and numerous other technologies, we sometimes find it hard to tell when we’re on the job and when we’re OFF.

A Juicy Happiness Lesson

Have you taken a look at some of those newfangled juice names: Get Smart Juice, Passion Power, Energy Hound, Hocus Focus, B- Relaxed, D-Stress.

So many juices promising so many benefits!

But nobody makes Compassion Cocktail or Niceness Nectar! Nobody makes a juice which makes you nicer or more considerate, offers up the potential for building up a bigger, warmer heart!

I know what you’re thinking: Maybe the manufacturers just can’t make it!

But, I’m betting if there were money to be made in Compassion Cocktail or Niceness Nectar, companies would find a way to make that juice.

Besides, are you really sure any of those other juices (like Passion Power and Hocus Focus) work anyway?

And yet you buy them, just for the hope they will help.

The harsh truth is companies would never even bother to put in the research to create a Compassion Cocktail or a Niceness Nectar, because they have a corporate sense that niceness, compassion and consideration are just not valued enough in this world to sell to the masses!

Which kind of explains much of the mess our world is in globally. And why people are so unhappy personally.

Kindness, compassion and consideration are key TRUE HAPPINESS DETERMINATORS, right on up there with having high self esteem and sharing intimate connections with others. Which makes sense, because the kinder you are in life, the more you raise your self esteem and the more you increase your connections with others.

Plus, here are some other quickie quirky facts on the perks of kindness...

University of Michigan reported nice is healthier. Older Americans who provide support to others, either through volunteer work or simply by being a good friend and neighbor, had a 60 percent lower rate of premature death than their unhelpful peers.

University of Toronto reported that nice is luckier in love. People who are low key and congenial have one half the divorce rate of the general population.

Malcolm Gladwell in his book Blink reported that nice spends less time in court. Doctors who had never been sued spoke to their patients for an average of three minutes longer than physicians who had been sued twice or more.

And according to positive psychology professor and author Martin Seligman, the biggest feelings of happiness come from leading “a meaningful life," using personal strengths to be of kindly, altruistic service.

In an experiment called "Philanthropy versus Fun," Seligman divided his psychology students so some engaged in pleasurable activities (going to the movies, eating yummy ice cream) and the others did philanthropic activities (volunteering at a soup kitchen, reading to the blind).

Guess what?

The happiness afterglow of the fun was nada compared to the lasting happiness of doing altruistic acts.

Meaning?

Doing good for others will also make you feel good—and, according to Seligman, your highest level of feel-good.

Your Assignment: Today be aware of doing small kindnesses to others. Give an extra smile, sweet gesture, warm compliment, generous favor. Also, ask your self what loving deed can you do? How can you help those in greater need? Consider getting involved with a charity where you can make an ongoing contribution.

The Positive Effects Of A Sinking Economy

I love discovering new voices -- and being a mentor to blooming young writers. With this in mind, I'd like to introduce Nisha Kumar. Here's her first post on my blog -- about a fascinating editorial from the NY Times -- all about the positive affects of a sinking ecomony. Take it away, Nisha...

......

Thanks, Karen!

In a time where messages of recession, war, and conflict have been flooding our news, I was happy to discover a happy editorial spin on world events in the NY Times – about the positive effects of our sinking economy.

This surprisingly upbeat editorial was called “Tighten Your Belt, Strengthen Your Mind” and was written by Sandra Aamodt and Sam Wang.

The cliff notes in one sentence: They explain how restraining your consumer spending may actually help you achieve other goals in your life.

Admittedly, at first glance, their theory may sound like a sham – as if by the end of their piece they’re going to convince you to purchase a software package for $99.99. But no. They’re serious – and offer serious studies to back up their theory.

Aamodt and Wang explained how the brain has a limited capacity of self-regulation, but by practicing the control of your willpower, your willpower capacity can actually increase.

Meaning? If during “lean times” you exercise self-control and curb your instinct to spend or indulge in things you don't really need, you will then be strengthening your willpower and your mind for other important goals in your life.

For example, if you can get yourself to resist having that latte from Starbucks every morning -- you will not only save money – but your willpower muscles will be strengthened just that wee bit more – thereby perhaps motivating you to finally sign up for that Italian class – pronto!

Basically, every person has (1) short term willpower capability and (2) long term willpower capability.

(1) Your short-term willpower requires making small adjustments in order to help you reach smaller goals in your life. And little by little the more you display just a little willpower the more your short-term willpower increases.

(2) Your long-term will power is used for the bigger and tougher goals and obstacles in your life. And the way the brain is structured, it helps if you take on one big goal at a time in order to use your willpower to its maximum. Once you are able to achieve your first goal, it should then be easier to conquer your second -- and so on.

The happy news: Eventually, your brain grows accustomed to tapping into both techniques of self control, and thus over time it becomes easier to focus on doing more positive habits which lead to greater success.

Aamodt and Wang mention how increasing willpower capacity can even begin with something as simple as brushing your teeth for two weeks with your non-dominant hand. This personally chosen shift will eventually increase your willpower muscles, and help you gain control over those other irascible parts of your life which you know you’ve been needing to show a little self-control over.

Pretty amazing stuff, huh?

Personally I loved hearing how I might spin-doctor our looming and gloomy world economic recession in to a potential time of personal growth and greater life success.

On that note, I'm off to brush my teeth with my left hand.

Nisha Kumar reporting!

Cancer Made an Optimist Out of Me

Jen Singer wrote to me -- and I was deeply touched and inspired by her story of how she bounced back stronger, wiser, happier from cancer -- and so I am sharing her story below.

If you have an inspiring "bounce back story" you want to share, please write to me. My email is my first name with that little "a" thingie then notsalmon with com preceded by a dot. (Sorry, trying to avoid spam spiders!)

I am definitely looking for inspiring bounce back stories because in May/June I have a new book coming out - THE BOUNCE BACK BOOK - with a red rubber cover on the outside and inside tips on how to thrive in the face of adversity, setbacks, losses, rejection, failure, illness, divorce, assault, bankrupcy - you name it.

I will be visiting 15 cities -- and would love to meet you when on on tour.

And please write to me and share your motivational stories of bouncing back --and I will post them on this site to share with others -- so your story will help folks have true hope that no matter what happens in life, the best is truly yet to come!

Okay...with this in mind, here's Jen Singer...Take it away, Jen!

.....

Cancer Made an Optimist Out of Me

I was always a sort-of glass-half-empty kind of person. If I didn’t get my hopes up too high, I thought, the subsequent rejection, defeat or disappointment wouldn’t hurt as much.

And then I got cancer.

I had four chapters left to write of my book, You’re a Good Mom (and Your Kids Aren’t So Bad Either) when I found out I had an aggressive form of non Hodgkin’s lymphoma. I would undergo chemotherapy, with two of the six rounds as grueling five-day infusions in the hospital where my 82-year-old roommate would stop by my bed to shake her head and lament, “So young. So young.” I was 40, and I had a cancer most common in 65-year-old men.

I could have ditched the book and hidden all summer while other people cooked for my family and took care of my kids, but I didn’t. I’m still not exactly sure why. I know that it was important to “stay strong for the kids,” as people had advised me. Frankly, I just didn’t want to be the one to ruin their childhood. So, we watched HGTV together and played board games – ironically, the game of Life.

When my doctor told me our goal was to cure me of cancer, I went into overdrive. As the well wishes, flowers, brownies and dinners rolled in, I felt like Luke Skywalker in that scene in Star Wars where everybody scrambles into X-fighters and the Millennium Falcon to go take on the Evil Empire. Together, we were going to destroy the Death Star. I was going to put up a fight.

By the time I finished chemo and then radiation last fall, my glass had gone from half-empty to half-full.

“You handled it better than everyone around you,” my brother told me at lunch one day in December.

A few weeks later, I got the news: I was in remission. Goodbye, Death Star.

But remission is not a cure, and I’ve got PET scans every three months this year and plenty of blood tests, check-ups and fear. I’ve got a one in four chance of recurrence, and yet, I feel hopeful. Even if it does come back, I’m going to put up a fight – again.

For now, I’m busy with my book signings and media appearances for my new book – the one I finished in the chemo chair – which was published this month. Cancer, it seems, made an optimist out of me. Maybe it doesn’t matter why.

-- Jen Singer
author of You’re a Good Mom (and Your Kids Aren’t So Bad Either) and the creator of MommaSaid.net. She blogs about parenting and cancer for Good Housekeeping.com and Yahoo Shine. Check out her book trailer here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gRMwuaHi2S4

Word to the Wise

I’ve loved today’s “Word to the Wise” word for a very long time.

cor•us•cate [kawr-uh-skeyt]
–verb (used without object), -cat•ed, -cat•ing.
to emit vivid flashes of light; sparkle; scintillate; gleam.


To me, this word is the epitome of a happy person; someone so radiantly cheerful that they emit light and “sparkle.”

Do you or someone in your life fit this description? You damn well should, because happiness is contagious. The attitude you exude rubs off on people whether you realize it or not.

It’s important to get in the habit of being happy, and as hard as that sounds, I’m here to offer you some easy to use tips that will lead you to your happiness peaks!

1. Smile Often
Nothing softens a bad mood like the turning up of your lips. Even if you feel silly doing it, it will at least get your mind off of whatever’s bugging you.

2. Project
Sometimes the things that make us angry are petty and inconsequential. Ask yourself, “Is this worth getting upset over? How will my life be affected by this tomorrow morning? How about in ten years? Chances are if it doesn’t have a lasting effect, there’s no point holding onto that anger in the first place.

3. Put things in Perspective
You may be mad, for example, that traffic is making you late, but I guarantee there’s someone in the traffic jam in a worst off position that you are. While you’re just stuck trying to get home to watch the news, there could be someone running late for a doctor’s appointment to check on his or her biopsy results. This is sad and depressing to think about, but often times being selfless helps us get in touch with ourselves.

4. Write down your thoughts
Someone at work getting on your nerves? Rather than reaming them out, write a little letter to them, and never send it. Or send it if you think it will help. Basically, writing down your emotions is a healthy exercise in getting to the source of your aggressions.

These tips are far from demanding. Instead, they are just a few little tweaks you can institute into your daily life to ensure a coruscating attitude.

Holley Simmons Reporting!

Breaking Hearts is Not a Game

While discussing relationships the other day, a friend of mine told me she was in desperate need of a “monkey bar.”

Perplexed, I asked her what she was talking about.

“You know when you’re in a relationship that’s just so-so, but you haven’t found anything better to move onto? Well a monkey bar is that someone who you leave the other person for. It’s like the monkey bars on a playground. You never take your one hand off the previous bar until you’ve got your other hand on the next bar.”

This analogy made perfect sense to me. I started thinking about other ways the games we play in relationships are similar to the games we played on the playground.

To wit;

Tag…You’re it!

The proverbial chase is a tale as old as time. You run after someone playing hard to get, and the second you actually reach them, you completely lose interest and start to run away. That’s because the chase is often more exciting than the actual prize. Try to avoid this game because it always ends ugly, with scraped knees and bruised egos.

Emotional See Saw

One day you’re inseparable, the next you want to administer heavy doses of rat poisoning. The human emotion system is a complex one, and the feelings we experience today are not dependent on how we felt yesterday. Same goes for sexual urges. As time goes on, the sexual excitement has a tendency to leave the relationship despite your hardest efforts.

Swing Set

One person pushes their partner away, yet they come right back to them like clockwork. Rather than knowing when to give up, some people are either oblivious (or in denial) of signs they’re in a bad relationship. Chances are if the person you’re with keeps pushing you away, there’s no reason for you to remain their emotional punching bag. Wise up and move on.


Take a minute to think of these and other adult-games that we play in our relationships, and ask yourself if they’re as fun as you think. Chances are they’re not.

The sign of a healthy relationship is one where we don’t keep score. Thoughts like “I called him last so now it’s his turn” and “He texted me 5 minutes ago, but I’m going to wait a couple hours so it looks like I’m not waiting for him” are immature and petty. If you want to call him, pick up the phone! Don’t deny your urges just because you don’t want to come off desperate. Put yourself out there, and you might be surprised what you get back.

And if what you get back isn’t good enough, there’s always someone else willing to play with you.

Holley Simmons Reporting!

What's your tail of happiness?

Once upon a time there was a small, happy little dog who loved to wag his tail and be playful and adoring with others. This happy little dog heard about a wonderful house with lots of other doggies. He decided to visit.

The happy doggie found The House up on nearby hillside. He bounced happily up the stairs to the doorway and when he peeked inside he saw a bunch of other doggies.

The happy doggie's ears instantly lifted high and his tail began to wag as fast as it could.

To his great surprise, the happy doggie found himself staring at 1000 other happy little doggies, each with their tails wagging just as fast as his.

He smiled a great big smile, and was answered with 1000 great big smiles – each just as warm and friendly as his.

As he left The House, the happy doggie thought: Wow! That was fun! What a wonderful place. I must come back and visit often!

Meanwhile, in this same village, there lived another little doggie, who was not quite as happy as the first one. In fact this doggie was often seen trudging around mournfully, hanging his tail low, growling at passerbys.

This mournful doggie also decided to visit The House on the hillside.

He slowly climbed the stairs and as he peered into the doorway, he hung his head low and protectively growled.

Inside he saw 1000 unfriendly looking dogs, each staring back at him. He growled at them and was horrified to see 1000 little dogs growling back at him.

As he left, he thought: Wow! That is a horrible place. I will never go back there again!

Basically, wherever you go there you are, reflected in all you see around you.

The world is a world of mirrors.

The reflections you see in the faces of the people you meet are often a reflection of your mood and lens on the world.

Today if you feel the urge to growl at someone, think about that little growling doggie and what he received back.

Instead of growling, ask yourself: What would LOVE do in this moment?

Albert Einstein said: We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.

I say: Most of the problems in your life were created by not being in a place of love energy - and instead being in a place of anger/hate/resentment energy. If you want to solve your problems, you must change your energy to a loving energy, and keep asking yourself: What would LOVE do in this moment?

And...if you consistently see growling angry MIRRORS around you, think about this tale of those wagging tails.

Force yourself to wag a bit more merrily at others.

Build up those tail wagging muscles, dammit, and you will see a change in all you see!

Give it to Me

Does this sound like good sex to you;

"Oooh baby. Boost it. Oh yeah, that's right. Boost my immune system."

Well it should, considering the many health benefits that healthy sex brings.

As if you needed another excuse, Web MD offers you 10 scientifically proven reasons why you should head to the bedroom after reading this article.

1. Sexed Out, Not Stressed Out

Because sex is proven to lower blood pressure, it reduces a person's over all stress level and risk of heart disease. Researchers from Scotland studied 24 women and 22 men who kept records of their sexual activity. Then the researchers subjected them to stressful situations -- such as speaking in public and doing verbal arithmetic -- and noted their blood pressure response to stress.

Those who had intercourse had better responses to stress than those who engaged in other sexual behaviors or abstained.

The next time you have sex, I dare you to worry about your laundry, and that report your boss is asking for, and how messy the apartment is, and how there's no food in the fridge, etc. etc. Sex acts as a distracter and helps you get all these stressful things off your mind.


2. Immunity booster

Having healthy sex once or twice a week has been linked with higher levels of an antibody called immunoglobulin A or IgA, which can protect you from getting colds and other infections.

Now doesn't "Kiss me" have a better ring to it than "Tissue me?"


3. Burn Baby Burn

Consider this;

A 135 pound woman burns 82 calories climbing stairs for 10 minutes. That same 135 pound woman burns 86 calories having sex for 20 minutes.

Which climax would you prefer-the one offered at the top of a staircase or the one achieved during sex? I thought so.


4. Stroke It

There's good news for anyone older who worries that sex might strain his or her heart. In a study published in the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health, scientists found no direct link between the frequency of sex and the occurrence of stroke in the 914 men they followed for 20 years.

The researchers also found that having sex twice or more a week reduced the risk of fatal heart attack by half for the men, compared with those who had sex less than once a month.


5. Does this Position Make my Butt Look Big?

Knowing that you've pleased yourself and your partner does a hell of a lot for your self esteem.

Sex, family and marriage therapist Gina Ogden, PhD finds that those who already have self-esteem say they sometimes have sex to feel even better. "One of the reasons people say they have sex is to feel good about themselves," she tells WebMD. "Great sex begins with self-esteem, and it raises it. If the sex is loving, connected, and what you want, it raises it."

They don't call it SEX-y for nothing. Let lose. Go wild. Get what you want, and you're bound to reach your emotional and sexual peaks.


6. There's no "Me" in Intimacy

Having orgasms increases levels of the hormone oxytocin, which is the so-called love hormone that helps us bond and build trust. Likewise, higher oxytocin levels have been linked with feelings of generosity.


7. Turn "Ow" into "Ooh"

As the hormone oxytocin surges, endorphins increase, and pain declines.

In a study published in the Bulletin of Experimental Biology and Medicine, 48 volunteers who inhaled oxytocin vapor and then had their fingers pricked lowered their pain threshold by more than half.

Now go do some prick-ing of your own.


8. Ejacu-lately?

According to Australian researchers, frequent ejaculations, especially in 20-something men, may reduce the risk of prostate cancer later in life.

But they found men who had five or more ejaculations weekly while in their 20s reduced their risk of getting prostate cancer later by a third.


9. Leggo my Kegel

For women, doing a few pelvic floor muscle exercises known as Kegels during sex offers a couple of benefits. You will enjoy more pleasure, and you'll also strengthen the area and help to minimize the risk of incontinence later in life.

To do a basic Kegel exercise, tighten the muscles of your pelvic floor, as if you're trying to stop the flow of urine. Count to three, then release.


10. ZZzzzzZZZzzzz

All this talk about sex is making me sleepy. And it should. According to research, the oxytocin released during orgasm also promotes sleep.

And getting enough sleep has been linked with a host of other good things, such as maintaining a healthy weight and blood pressure.


Overall, we need to understand sex as a way to get closer with a person to whom we feel attracted, emotionally or physically. So these 10 findings serve as additional benefits to the physical act of love. And if nothing else, give you one hell of a rebuttal to the old "head-ache" excuse.

Holley Simmons Reporting!

Win The Metaphorical Life Happiness Lottery!

Did you ever notice that when you go away, thats often when you can see your life the clearest, from a distance of a few thousand miles away?

Im now back from Paris, and feeling the opposite of jet lag! I'm more full of clarity and motivation than ever, thanks in part to an inspiring Italian joke which Im excited to share.

How did I come about an Italian joke in Paris?

I was reading Elizabeth Gilberts truly amazing EAT PRAY LOVE on my trip before bedtime, the perfect book to read while traveling, as it inspires you to really use your vacation as spirit restoration.

That Italian Joke:

A poor man goes to church every day and prays before the statue of a great saint, begging, Dear saint, please, please, please, give me the grace to win the lottery!! This lament goes on for months. Finally the exasperated statue comes to life, looks down at the begging man and says in weary disgust: My son, please, please, please, buy a ticket!!

This terrific joke is a reminder to all of us that we must do our part to create our own good luck.

Life is not 100% random destiny. Life is a lively, interactive fusion of destiny AND free will.

The more you tap into this human perk of free will, and do positive "free will" habits, actions which you can control, the more you increase the odds you will be a winner in that metaphorical Life Happiness Lottery!

Reading and thinking about this joke cured me of my jetlag. I'm truly psyched to be back in NYC doing my "free will" part to create my happiest life. And psyched to share my recommended...

"Free Will" Habits To Do List:

1. Think as many positive thoughts as you can. Each positive thought you think is a Happiness Lottery Ticket you're gathering.

2. If you're having trouble being positive, put in the effort to master your negative thoughts by meditating, journaling, working out. Each of those habits are Happiness Lottery Tickets you're gathering. (For added motivation, tell yourself you are Negative Thought Intolerant, the way some people are lactose intolerant. You simply cannot think negative thoughts because they weaken you and make you feel yucky. You can only think positive thoughts which nourish and energize you, and give you better odds of winning that metaphorical Life Happiness Lottery, dammit!)

3. Studies show The Top Three Happiness Determinators are (1) high self esteem, (2) intimate connections with others, and (3) doing acts of altruism. With this in mind, make sure your daily to do list is full of (1) doing actions which you are proud of (2) spending time in intimate conversation/experiences with loved ones (3) spending time giving back to the world in some way. Each of these action items are metaphorical Life Happiness Lottery Tickets youre gathering around you.

4. Control your stimulus-response mechanism, which makes you reactively pick bad choices in the moment, choices which you later regret. Instead decide to gather around you as many "Long Term Happiness Lottery Tickets" which will set you up for life, well into your crickety old age. How? Every day make sure you choose actions which move you towards your long term life fulfillment, instead of only doing easy, lazy, reactive actions, based on your short-term emergency/impulse needs.

5. Nourish your body/mind/spirit with healthy foods, exercise, meditation, sleep, sex, hugging, smiling. The more habits you do from these areas, the more metaphorical Big Ticket Life Happiness Lottery tickets youre gathering.

6. Go on a No Nuts Diet. Remove nutsy crazy-makers from your life. Nutsy crazy-makers lower your odds of winning that metaphorical Life Happiness Lottery. Likewise, surrounding yourself with lots of loving, growth-directed people increases your odds of being a Mega-Happiness Winner!

Remember...each of these "free will" habits are equal to snagging a Happiness Lottery Ticket. The more tickets you gather, the more you stack up the odds that a happy destiny awaits you.

And best of all, each of these "free will" habits are ALL available to EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU, rich or poor, young or old!

So do your part to create your own good luck, starting today!

Hey Baby. What's your Line?

Anyone who's ever been to a bar and started a conversation with a stranger has either asked or been asked the following:


"So what do you do?"


And that's my all time biggest pet peeve.


What do I do? I do a lot of things. I read, I write, I knit, I cook, and, in addition to helping Karen out, I work for a well recognized media outlet that reaches over 26 million people a week. But is that last fact any more relevant than the others?


Sure you can learn a lot about someone by where they work, but it's not entirely indicative of who they are as a person. So why are we so quick to ask a complete stranger what they do for a living?


Here, I suggest other more intriguing questions to be asked the next time you're out at a social scene:


1. What did you write your college application essay about?
2. If you could be named anything else, which name would you choose?
3. If you were a piece of fruit, what would you be and why? (Just be prepared for them to answer with something sugary so they can tell you how "sweet" they are.)
4. Laser jet or ink jet?
5. Aisle seat or window seat?
6. If you were a bumper sticker, what would you say?
7. What's the hardest word for you to spell or pronounce?
8. Do you believe in ghosts and psychics?
9. What's your favorite funny film?
10. Have you ever read the books of Karen Salmansohn? (Hey -- I'm Karen's assistant, so of course I wanna help plug my boss -- so, why not make her a good conversation starter?!)


Basically, there's nothing more impressive to me than someone who can think on their feet. And asking feisty and surprising questions like these really catches people off guard and leaves them with little or no time to react. So not only will you make a killer first impression, but you'll receive truly candid answers. And that's such a wonderful (if not the only) way to really learn who someone is as a person.


Oh, and P.S. If you're wondering what the answer to yesterday's blog riddle is, it's "Those in Heaven feed each other."


Holley Simmons Reporting!

Word to the Wise

I’m warning you ahead of time that today’s “Word to the Wise” is quite a tongue twister. But I promise that the actual definition is a lot simpler than the huge word implies.

And here it is;

eleemosynary [el-uh-mos-uh-ner-ee,]
–adjective
1. of or pertaining to alms, charity, or charitable donations; charitable.
2. derived from or provided by charity.

I don’t have to tell you how good it feels to know you’ve made a positive impact on someone. I’m just here to remind you that there are opportunities for contribution everywhere you look.

Charity comes in many forms, and is not necessarily defined by cash donations. So no matter your status, there are tons of ways to be charitable.

For example, if you’re a pro at knitting, why not knit a baby blanket for a local shelter? This costs you little to nothing, but provides a child with warmth he or she might otherwise lack.

Or even less time consuming; why not drop a couple quarters in the parking meter of a stranger the next time you see it is about to expire? Not only will you save the person the hassle of a parking ticket, but you’ll also have good car-ma!

It’s important every now and then to step back in our lives and consider those of others. There are a lot of life lessons to be learned from people you don’t know. If you’re constantly thinking how things will affect ONLY you, how will you ever get to be your optimal self?

All that being said, consider this old Chinese riddle.

A curious man once asked to visit Heaven and Hell. Expecting Hell to be a terrifying and scary place, he was surprised to find people surrounding a table loaded with delicious gourmet food. The man thought, “Perhaps Hell isn’t so bad after all.”

But upon closer examination, the man noticed that the people surrounding the table were miserable. They were starving because, although there was a mountain of food before them, they had been given three foot long chopsticks to eat with. There was no way for them to carry the food to their mouths with such long utensils, and so no one could eat a bite.

The man was then taken to Heaven. To his surprise, he found the exact same situation he had seen in Hell; people surrounding a table piled high with glorious food with only three foot chopsticks to eat it with. But here in Heaven, everyone was plump and happily eating the wonderful food.

How is this possible?


If you’re stumped, tune into tomorrow’s blog where I’ll reveal the answer!

Holley Simmons Reporting!

Got the Blues…and I'm Happy 'Bout It!

Who knew the key to happiness was sadness all along?

That is, at least to author Eric Wilson. In his new book entitled "Against Happiness-In Praise of Melancholy" Wilson explores ways in which sadness is actually beneficial to achieving happiness.

Wilson states that by recognizing what makes us truly sad, we can pinpoint what makes us equally happy. Likewise, when we allow ourselves to be melancholy, we fully appreciate it when we become joyful.

Say you're having a wonderful day... Your hair looks good. You're feeling skinny. You just finished a great book. Now say you're at work and your boss compliments you on a job well done. Although this feels really good, it's not likely to make a huge impact on your mood -- since you were already in such high spirits.

But now imagine the exact opposite... Your hair belongs in Glamour's "Don't" section. Your jeans won't zipper all the way. The 500 page book you just finished was a complete waste of time. When your boss tells you that you did an excellent job on something, chances are you'll be so much more appreciative to hear something uplifting.

The natural ebb and flow between these polar opposite emotions creates a balanced tension to be happy about.

Wilson argues that today's society is overly-medicated with anti-depression pills and treatments meant as quick-fixes. Rather than accepting these feelings of sadness, we are pumped full of drugs to make them go away. Now in some serious cases, medication is necessary, and he's not suggesting people walk around with unbearable sadness.

However, what if Vincent Van Gogh had been on Prozac? Do you think he could have created masterpieces without the rage and sadness he experienced? And imagine Earnest Hemmingway doped up on Zoloft. Chances are the sun would have set on the "The Sun Also Rises."

More people need to embrace their mild sadness rather than ignoring it. Otherwise, we're doomed to lead a life of unexamined emotions that could be stinting our creativity AND happiness.


Holley Simmons reporting!

Timeless Happiness Truths: A Penny For Lincoln's Thoughts

Lincoln was not a lucky guy.

At age seven, he was forced to make money for his family.

At nine, his mother passed, forcing him to work even harder.

At twenty Lincoln lost his seemingly stable job as store clerk ... and then by twenty-three he went into debt trying to become partner in a small store.

Three years later, just as his store was picking up speed, his business partner died, leaving him in even more debt.

At twenty-eight, after dating a girl for four years, he got up the gumption to propose. She said no.

Later, when he did eventually marry, his son died at age four.

At thirty-seven, Lincoln was elected to Congress... but... well... that was on his THIRD try. (He then failed to be re-elected. )

At forty-five, Lincoln ran for the Senate. Again: no-go.

At forty-seven Lincoln ran for vice-presidency. But... well...¦ You got it. More no-go, amigo.

At fifty-one, Lincoln was elected President of the United States ... which considering his life resume of consistent failure was a very shnazzy title.

How did he achieve this great success? By holding onto some positive Lincoln thinkin.'

Even in the midst of the Civil War -- a war which claimed more American lives than any war in history thus far -- Lincoln issued a positive proclamation:

"It has seemed to me fit and proper that [the gifts of God] should be solemnly, reverently, and gratefully acknowledged with one heart and one voice by the whole American people. I do, therefore, invite my fellow citizens . . . to set apart and observe the last Thursday of November next as a day of thanksgiving and praise to our beneficent Father who dwelleth in the heavens."

How could Lincoln have made such a positive plea during a time of such suffering?

Because Lincoln recognized that even in the midst of tough times, there was always something to be appreciative about. Lincoln had a naturally grateful heart.

As a life/career coach I've seen how the power of gratitude can not only change a person's mood, but their results.

YOUR ASSIGNMENT: Make it a habit to end each day talking with your loved ones about what you appreciated about your day. What made you happy? Proud? Excited? Feel loved? By talking about it with your loved ones, you get double the perky perks, because you're not only reminding yourself to keep a grateful heart, you're connecting heart-to-heart!

Oh....and here are some more goodies which Lincoln was thinkin'...

"Success is going from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm."

"You can be anything you want to be, do anything you set out to accomplish, if you hold to that desire with singleness of purpose."

And my personal favorite Lincoln quote:

"Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."

And you can QUOTE ME when I say, "No matter what happens today, make up your mind to be happy, dammit!"

Getting Better with Age

I was reading the Washingtonian and found an interesting article which stated there are some definite benefits to growing old - besides the discounted movie tickets.

For example consider the life of George Dawson. As the son of an underprivileged farmer and descendant of African American slaves, George grew up during the 1900's never learning how to read.

At the age of 90, George was approached by a man going door to door touting a local adult literary initiative. Figuring it was about time he could spell his own name, George joined the program and was fully literate by the age of 98.

George proves that some old dogs were meant to learn new tricks. Recent scientific explorations support this adage.

In his new book "Mind: The Positive Power of the Aging Brain," gerontology researcher Dr. Gene Cohen investigates ways in which the brain matures. And his findings may surprise you.

It's a Hard Knock Life

The stereotype of an old person is that of a forgetful, hard-of-hearing boob. And often in literature and movies, elders are depicted as evil witches, wicked step-parents, and mean baby-sitters. But like most stereotypes, these are outdated and inaccurate.

Cohen concludes that by challenging yourself as you age, you develop wisdom, self assurance and even creativity that you lacked as a youth.

Activities such as community-education courses, book and writing groups, arts programs, and challenging work—volunteer, paid, or part-time—boost development of the brain in the second half of life. One study of the connection between leisure activities and the risk of dementia and cognitive decline found that dancing, board games, playing a musical instrument, crossword puzzles, and reading had the greatest impact in reducing the risk of mental disability.

The Science of an Aging Brain

When you compare the MRI of a 30 year old brain with that of a 70 year old brain performing the same task, you find a surprising difference. Whereas the 30 year old brain utilizes primarily the left hemisphere, the 70 year old brain utilizes both hemispheres.

Because the right hemisphere of the brain is associated with intellectual curiosity and passion, this convergence suggests that the older you get, the better you are making new connections and achieving new insights.

Other research on the brains "amygdale" (which is the part of the brain that processes emotions) returns unforeseen results; In brain-imaging studies, young adults and older adults were exposed to positive and negative emotions to see how the amygdala lit up and how long it stayed lit. Positive emotions caused the amygdala to light up the same way and stay lit for the same amount of time in both groups. But with negative emotions—fear, rage, envy—the amygdala lit up less intensely and for a shorter interval in the older group.

Senior Moments

Cohen states "I think that after 50 there's a new senior moment—a creative moment. There's a liberation phase that begins to be very strong in the fifties. It's characterized by metaphorical inner voices saying, "If not now, when?" and "What can they do to me?" These are powerful feelings based on accumulated experience that give you the courage to try something new."

As you age, you collect a series of experiences that you store in what I like to call a "life arsenal." The decisions you make in old age are affected by this arsenal of rich wisdom and knowledge from your first-hand experiences. Therefore, older people are more agile with their thoughts and emotions, and are free to make decisions based on inner freedom, self-confidence, and liberation from social constraints.

And that's worth waiting for.

Holley Simmons reporting!

Word To The Wise

Starting today myself and my fabulous new assistant -- Holley Simmons -- will be sharing a weekly blogpost called "WORD TO THE WISE" -- where we will share a word to think about...and become wiser for it.

Indeed...Holley will start off this series. So, take it away, Holley!

HOLLEY SIMMONS' "WORD TO THE WISE":

Being a writer, I'm a huge word person. So much so that I subscribe to www.dictionary.com's "Word of the Day."

This week I found the word of the day "indolent" to be particularly interesting, especially the 3rd and 4th definitions.

indolent \IN-duh-luhnt\, adjective:

1. Avoiding labor and exertion; habitually idle; lazy; inactive.

2. Conducive to or encouraging laziness or inactivity.

3. Causing little or no pain.

4. Slow to heal, develop, or grow.


As the definition suggests, true healing, development, and growth comes from experiencing pain. And I totally agree.


Just the thought of going through an emotional painful event is enough for some to pull their tails between their legs and go sit in a corner out of harms way. But how can you ever learn who you are as a person if you're always protecting yourself from disappointment, loss, heartbreak, and any other kinds of hurt?


You can't. And that's because if you go your whole life un-challenged, you'll never know anything about yourself other than what's on the surface. And living your life wearing rose-colored glasses will certainly strain your eyes, and give you a massive headache in the long run.


I'm not suggesting you purposefully put yourself in harms way. That'd be masochistic and not fun (unless you're into that). But don't shy away from a potentially painful experience just because there's a chance you come out scathed.


You need to take risks, push limits, and never make assumptions to get anywhere in life. If your dream job is up for grabs, don't shy away from it because you think you don't stand a chance. What's the worst that can happen? Let's say you apply and don't get it. You re-group and move on. It probably wasn't meant to be anyway.


Or imagine there's a strange illness you've experienced for a while, but are too afraid to get it checked out in case it's something very serious. Don't ignore it. Instead, get yourself to a doctor because even if the diagnosis is bad, you've caught it and can begin to treat it. And if it's really bad, at least you can begin to re-direct your life and re-evaluate what's really important to you before it's too late. People have done it before, and will continue to do so in the future. What makes you any different?


You're stronger than you think, dammit. And, in a word, that's incredible.


Holley Simmons Reporting!

Can you double your happiness, double your fun?

According to research with twins, you can't double your happiness -- but you can increase your happiness by up to 50%.

Yes, after three decades of twin research, studies have shown that 50 percent of your tendency to be happy or sad is determined by your genes.

This tendency is called your "happiness setpoint.”

It means your brain is pre-wired to either see the glass half full or half empty.

But this discovery is actually happy news.

Professor of psychology at the University of California Riverside, Sonja Lyubomirsky, compares the genetically determined happiness set point to our inherited tendency to stay thin or to put on weight.

"All the set point means," Lyubomirsky, says, "is that in the same way some people have to work on maintaining their weight, you may have to work to achieve the same level of happiness as someone else. It may be harder, but it can be done."

In our culture most people struggling with their setpoint – in either happiness or weight – usually turn to quick fix medications – which can be affective.

But -- there are other more fun options when it comes to raising your happiness setpoint.

Indeed researchers say there’s a simple formula for increasing happiness:

H = S + C + V

H = Happiness

S = Setpoint

C = Conditions of Your Life

V = Voluntary Activities


You know already about H and S.

Let’s look at that C – your Conditions.

Researchers say factors like education, health, income, and good looks have little effect on our genetic "setpoints."

Drastic changes in any of these conditions (aka winning gobs of money in the lottery) tend to re-regulate -- balancing themselves right back to original setpoint.

The same holds true for subtle conditional changes, like dying your hair. As the roots in your hair grow back in, you grow used to your new hair – and thereby might not want to re-dye it – because it no longer gives you that added ooompapa of happiness

But there is hope with that valuable V – with all your varying Voluntary activities you can add into your life.

These Voluntary activities fall into two broad categories: pleasures and gratifications.

Voluntary Pleasures are sensual and emotional (a back rub, having flowers sent to you) – and these are generally fleeting in their effect.

Voluntary Gratifications, however, are those activities which give us a sense of purpose -- and tend to last much longer (volunteering at a dog pound, picking up some soup for the homeless. And of course there’s the Grand Gratification of doing your signature strengths – those skillsets you excel at – which make you feel like your life has true meaning and purpose!)

The more you find time in your schedule to do more Voluntary Gratification Activities, the more you will increase your joy – by up to 50%!

Holley Simmons reporting!

What's your 10 Year "Happy" Plan?

Making difficult, life-altering decisions would be a breeze if we had a magic crystal ball to tell us which choices would most ensure our happiness.

But alas, no such thing exists, and we're left up to our own devices to plot our futures and hope for the best.

This onerous act of predicting our happiness is called "Affective Forecasting" -- as coined by Harvard University Psychology professor Dan Gilbert.

In his research, Gilbert explores our thought processes and determines just how good our brains are at forecasting what will make us happy in the future.

Whether our decisions are small ("What shirt will I feel most comfortable in tomorrow?") or large ("Should I spend the rest of my life with John or Pierre?") our brain tries to decide very rapidly how to maximize happiness.

However, certain obstacles get in our way during this decision making process. Gilbert calls one of these obstacles "Impact Bias" -- which is a tendency to believe events will have a stronger impact than they usually do.

For example... Do you remember your first heartbreak? It was debilitating and terrifying and made you believe you'd never find love again. But after time passed and you learned to live with out your significant other, you grew stronger and realized he or she wasn't as significant as you had thought.

According to Gilbert, humans are susceptible to this Impact Bias because we are overly-rational beings.

"People are very good at finding the good in the bad – very good at making the best of the situations that they are irrevocably stuck with. But they don't know they have this talent," says Gilbert.

So with all this in mind, is it possible to Affectively Forecast our future? Should you constantly be evaluating -- and re-evaluating -- what you think will make you happy five years from now? Not exactly. If you are constantly focusing all of your energy on the future, how can you ever truly appreciate your present? You need to avoid planning out every aspect of your future, because what happens if something doesn't go as planned?

Your goal: Try as best as you can to maintain a healthy balance of flexibility versus assuredness when it comes to guessing what will make you content.

Holley Simmons reporting!

7 Booster Shots for Happiness

During her 15 years teaching health and wellness at UCLA, Dr. Darlene Mininni discovered something undeniable: most people will stumble in life without a plan to master their feelings. Inspired to create that plan, she developed and taught an emotional education course that became so popular, applications jumped from 30 to 700 in just 18 months! Soon, even her students’ parents were calling to find out about Dr. Mininni’s life changing lessons.

From this overwhelming response, Dr. Mininni realized that we’re all looking for practical strategies to live our happiest lives.

She left the university to write The Emotional Toolkit and teach people of all ages scientifically proven techniques to boost their happiness, health and longevity.

Dr. Mininni’s 7 POWER-SKILLS to Boost Your Happiness, Health and Longevity:

1. PUT YOUR WORRIES ON TRIAL: Most of us assume our thoughts are facts. Not so. It just feels that way. Next time you find yourself obsessing, put your worries on trial and cross-examine them like an attorney. Ask yourself, “How do I know for sure this won’t work?” or “What evidence do I have that they won’t like me?”

2. DO “3-3-6” MEDITATIONS: New research shows meditation can rewire your brain for happiness by revving up your left prefrontal cortex, a part of your brain that’s associated with happy moods. To start, breathe in deeply to the count of three. Hold that breath for 3 seconds. Then slowly breathe out to the count of six. That’s 3-3-6. When your mind wanders, gently redirect it back to your breath. Do this five minutes every day and whenever you feel stressed.

3. LEARN HOW TO AGREEABLY DISAGREE: Researchers can predict with 91% accuracy whether a couple will divorce by watching how they disagree. If you want a happy relationship, how you manage conflict matters more than love. One rule for success: begin difficult conversations without criticism. Instead of saying, “Gee, you must like sitting around while I do all the work…” say, “I’m really overwhelmed by all there is to do, and I’d love us to work on it together.”

4. WRITE YOUR HEART OUT: Writing about your tough feelings can change them. People who document their deepest emotions when they’re upset are more optimistic about life than before. Try this. When you’re unhappy, write about those feelings for 15 minutes, 3-4 days in a row. Then examine what you’ve written with questions like, “Why does this upset me so much?” or “What would I like to see happen?”

5. WALK OUT YOUR FEELINGS: Just 10-20 minutes of physical exercise is all you need to get an emotional boost. Certain movements, like a brisk walk, can lift your spirits just as effectively as an antidepressant or mild tranquilizer. Next time you’re in a funk, take a jaunt around your neighborhood, dance in your living room, or take your dog for a stroll.

6. STAY CONNECTED: Having just one good friend can alter your body chemistry enough to be happier, healthier and even physically younger. That’s because caring connections spike the release of hormones that produce calm in your body. Looking for a sure-fire way to feel good? Stay connected: call a friend, catch a movie with your mate or even get a pet. (Meaning Charles Schultz was right! Happiness is a warm puppy!)

7. SEEK THERAPY: If you’re unhappy no matter what you do, you might consider therapy. Studies show that if you answer YES to these 2 questions, your therapy is likely to be successful: “Do you have a good relationship with your therapist?” and “Are you learning new skills that move your life forward?”

Timeless Happiness Tips: Ayn Rand

I am going to be running a series of Timeless Happiness Tips which come from famous, cool (dead) people…beginning with the very interesting Ayn Rand.

First of all, you pronounce her name “Ayn” so it rhymes with “mine” – which I find very apropros, because Ayn’s famed life philosophy of OBJECTIVISM is all about going for the “mine, mine, mine” – living your individualistic destiny to its fullest potential.

“I swear, by my life and my love of it,” said Ayn, “I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine. “

Ayn described this philosophy of hers as “rational individualism.”

In her famous novels THE FOUNTAINHEAD and ATLAS SHRUGGED, Ayn dramatized this “rational individualist” -- this “ideal man” – this “heroic being” -- as someone who lived by his own effort – never giving away or receiving anything undeserved -- who honored self-achievement -- and rejected envy of others.

As a self help author I've read many modern day research studies which support Ayn's philosophies. The happiest people are those who tap into their "signature strengths" daily and who don't step foot on that "hedonic treadmill" wanting more just because their neighbors have more.

I remember reading both THE FOUNTAINHEAD and ATLAS SHURGGED back in college – and thereafter torturing every college boyfriend by forcing them to read both these two books.

Lively conversation about the difference between Ayn's highly approved view of “rational individualism” and her less condoned view of “outright selfishness” always followed.

Further followed by frisky talk about Ayn’s sexy sex scenes.

Further followed by no talk …because, well, Ayn sure knew how to write a steamy sexy scene.

But I digress…

Back to Ayn’s views…

Ayn believed that OBJECTIVISM was the secret to happiness – and that there was no greater moral goal than achieving happiness.

With this in mind, Ayn proclaimed that true happiness could never be achieved by mere wish or whim -- but only by a feisty one-pointedness -- pursuing your personal, individualistic passions!

As a self help book author I agree -- and am often coaching clients that "The purpose of your life is to find and do the purpose of your life."

And find and do your purpose you MUST!

To quote Ayn, “The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me. “

I love this philosophy. Basically it's saying you gotta go out there and create your own good luck.

Indeed, when I coach clients I'm always telling them that a big secret to happiness and success is turning what you want in life into a PASSIONATE MUST -- instead of letting it simmer as a mere SHOULD.

The “heroic beings” who follow Ayn’s OBJECTIVISM -- in both her novels and in real life -- are achievers who build businesses, invent technologies, and create art and ideas, based on their individualistic talents and in synergy with other fellow “heroic beings.”

Basically, Ayn’s philosophy of OBJECTIVISM is very optimistic.

OBJECTIVISM purports that the universe is built to allow each of us to live a rich, fulfilling life – if we CHOOSE to take our life by the balls.

According to Ayn, “Every man builds his world in his own image. He has the power to choose, but no power to escape the necessity of choice. “

Ayn is also a big believer in NOT feeling guilty about having it all -- if you can snag it all.

MY BELIEF: Sadly, too many people feel guilty if they start to amass too much success and joy – and even self-sabotage.

For example, as I wrote in HOW TO BE HAPPY DAMMIT – if you want to make lots of money, you need to feel good about what it means to be rich – get in harmony with making gobs of money. Once you’re in harmony with wealth, you will see money opportunities everywhere – even in the word “harmony” – which might even start to appear to you as if it's spelled “harmoney”!

When it comes to monetary success and materialism, Ayn said….

“Run for your life from any man who tells you that money is evil. That sentence is the leper's bell of an approaching looter. “

Granted, although I agree with a lot of what Ayn had to say about importance of making a hearty profit from your skillsets – there's a lot of what she said which I do not agree with. For example…

“If any civilization is to survive,” said Ayn, “it is the morality of altruism that men have to reject. “

Ayn writes a lot about the negatives of altruism vs. the benefits of materialism in her famed book of essays “The Virtues Of Selfishness” -- a book I found both fascinating and downright offensive – as I am huge believer that it is important to give back to our world through charity and service – and indeed, I believe that doing acts of altruism is one of the biggest routes to extreme joy. When you do good, you instantly feel good.

But I know even if Ayn and I wound up disagreeing, Ayn would be cool with hearing my thoughts nonetheless.

To quote Ayn: “When I disagree with a rational man, I let reality be our final arbiter; if I am right, he will learn; if I am wrong, I will; one of us will win, but both will profit. “

And it is for THIS particular version of the word “profit” – as in TO PROFIT IN ONE'S SPIRIT AND MIND FROM HEARING NEW, EXCITING IDEAS– which Ayn consistently promotes – and which I love Ayn forever for!

Happy as A Clam ...or A Republican...?

You've heard the expression "happy as a clam" -- but have you ever heard the expression "happy as a Republican"?

According to Eric Weiner, author of "The Geography of Bliss" and veteran NPR correspondent, we might want to invent such a catchy phrase -- because Republicans are shown to be a happier lot -- by a lot!

Indeed, since 1972, biannual surveys by the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago consistently show Republicans are happier than Democrats. This data is also backed up by a 2006 Pew Research poll in which 45 percent of Republicans described themselves as "very happy," compared with only 30 percent of Democrats (and 29 percent of independents).

While you might be quick to explain these statistics by linking happiness to money, you'd be wrong. And if you're thinking these facts stand true because power equals happiness, you'd be wrong again.

What actually accounts for rejoiceful Republicans, according to Weiner, are the following "happiness factors":


1. Religious attendance (regardless of denomination)

2. Marriage


Statistically, Republicans are more likely to take part in these two rites, which universal happiness research shows make for happier people.

Reversely, when we isolate "un-happiness factors" we find that Democrats are victims of them both:

1. Advanced education degrees (Yes, universal research studies show ignorance may indeed be bliss. The higher you rise on that education food chain, the lower your levels of happiness!)

2. Focus on people-of-the-world issues - like income equality and racial diversity (It seems worrying about the world can be a big weight on one's shoulders and psyche.)

So how can this data be used to help make sense of the upcoming election?

Well, it's no surprise, but people prefer to be around happy, optimistic people. And that means, according to Weiner, voters are more likely to elect the more optimistic candidate.

We'll leave your voting decision up to you. But remember -- how you vote could affect the happiness of our entire country! So definitely DO vote, dammit!

-- Holley Simmons reporting!

Anxiety Can Be Your Friend!

Surprise, surprise. Anxiety is not only a career buster -- it can be a career booster!

In a new book due out in March, called "Just Enough Anxiety: The Hidden Driver of Business Success," Dr. Robert Rosen insists anxiety is a double-edged sword that cuts both ways. Too much or too little can keep your career from taking off or destroy it in mid-flight. But then again -- just enough anxiety can send you soaring to new heights.

Indeed, Dr. Rosen insists that your ability to create just enough anxiety -- more than any other leadership quality -- will take you to the top.

Dr. Rosen's conclusions are based on lots of research. He interviewed and advised more than 250 leaders in organizations worldwide, including PepsiCo, Ford, Intel, PricewaterhouseCoopers, Boeing, and ING.

So, are you harnessing the right level of anxiety to propel you forward and upward?

You can find out by checking out the signs below.

You are creating too much anxiety if you...
*think you can do most things better than anyone else
*strive for perfection and are quick to point out errors and mistakes
*experience and express many different emotions at work
*are wary of others motives and intentions most of the time

You are creating too little anxiety if you...
*only see the bright side of things
*do whatever it takes to get the job done without relying on others
*skillfully avoid conflict and try to make everyone happy
*always ask others for their opinion before making a decision

To develop just enough anxiety, you can...
*embrace uncertainty and change as part of life
*learn to recognize what you can and cannot control
*candidly assess your strengths and shortcomings
*get comfortable feeling and expressing competing emotions
*be empathetic and compassionate toward others accept and learn from life’s experiences, both positive and negative

Cloudy With A Chance Of Brain Sex

What’s in the forecast for love?

I've asked my new assistant, Holley Simmons, to research and report on this very important topic. Indeed, Holley will be my Happiness Researcher on my blog regularly from hereon in. This is Holley's first post -- which I personally find very fascinating. Take it away, Holley!

........

Thanks, Karen! For this blog I consulted with Social Technologies, an organization of top futurists, and they gave me the following ten ways technologies will impact relationships of the future.

1. G.P.S.-Goodbye Personal Space
With the advent of social websites like AdultFriendFinder.com, finding a mate could be as easy as locating a liquor store using your Tom Tom. This and sites like it use GPS technologies to alert your phone when a potential match is within a 5-mile radius.

2. Out of Site, Out of Mind
The definition of “cheating” will become more fluid in new virtual worlds. Dating rules which apply in real life may not translate when applied to social websites, like Facebook and MySpace.

3. Where the F*#% art thou, Romeo?
To keep track of your significant other, newly developed systems offer you real-time maps that update according to changes in your lover’s location.

4. Think Shrink
Those in need of relationship advice or guidance need look no further than their computer screens. Online therapy offers love-sick sufferers a virtual space to work out their problems and tackle sensitive issues.

5. Strike a Match, Light a Flame
Compatibility tests will be taken to the next level, using proven scientific analysis to find that perfect someone.

6. Turn Me On
Just because your honey is across the Atlantic doesn’t mean you can’t have an intimate encounter. Using Telerobotic principles, sex toys can be controlled by an operator miles away for a stimulating and interactive experience.

7. Phero-Moans
By unlocking the chemistry behind love and physical attraction, scientists will develop biochemical potions made specifically to magnetize a love interest.

8. Hot Bot
Technological advances will make today’s best sex toys look lame in comparison. Imagine being able to build your ideal man or woman. Literally.

9. Head Games
Have “Brain Sex” using neurodevices which rouse emotions at will. Satisfy cravings as they arise, and have a little fun with your wildest fantasies.

10. That’s it…Keep Doing What You’re Doing…
Take these advancements or leave ‘em. After all, we know our own bodies best, and we ultimately decide what we want out of love. But it’s fun to imagine a world raining sexually connected men and women, weather we like it or not.

Are You A Cougar?

A "Cougar" is a sexy, confident woman over age 40 who never apologizes for her success…and attracts the attentions of younger men.

Some Cougar Examples: Demi, Halle, Madonna, Julianne Moore, Sheryl Crow, Reese Witherspoon, and …Actress/Comedienne/Cougar Donna Moore!

“The Cougar is a metaphor for female empowerment,” Donna Moore says. “The Cougar has overcome sexual and professional taboos and now lives her life to the fullest.”

In her show “The Cougar Cabaret,” Moore completely lets the cat out of the bag -- and shares her many tips and insights on being a Cougar.

Moore's Cougar prowess obviously is seductively appealing - because after a successful run off-off Broadway, "The Cougar Cabaret" is now debuting on February 9th at New York City’s WEST BANK CAFE - with additional performances on February 13 and 16, March 1 and April 11 and 18.

Directed by Robert Brink, with Musical Direction by Steven Borsuk and original music score by Donna Moore and Mark Barkan, "The Cougar Cabaret" is a production of Blue Cloud Productions LLC.

Details available at Donna Moore's site.

Tickets are available through Theatermania...

Or call for reservations at (212) 352-3101. Use code “BWAY” for $15 tickets.

If you know someone who is a Cougar -- or are a Cougar yourself -- or have a good Cougar story to share -- please write to me at karen@notsalmon.com.

How Much is That in "Dog Money"? (A Tail Of Two Price Tags)

Want to increase your chances of getting that job, getting that raise, getting that discount?

I have an informative tale to tell… which begins with a tiny tail – the one attached to my very cute little dog Maxine – a miniature terrier -- my better 1/8th.

I often “multi-task” walking Maxine with doing errands – especially errands where I know there might be long lines – like going to the bank or Fedex. I figure not only might Maxine benefit from some good heavy petting -- but -- all those bored and impatient people can get some good licks in – and the playful warmth exchanged is very win/win.

Last month I had a major computer meltdown -- and so invited Maxine along on my excursion to the local computer store, knowing they always have lines so long, they actually give out “bakery tickets” to keep track of the entourage.

About forty minutes passed before my number was called – but thankfully for me (and Steve -- the very exhausted computer attendant who had called my number) my waiting time had passed in good spirits -- because Maxine had made many friends – all of whom she’d generously introduced me to.

I arrived at a very fatigued Steve’s desk in a playful mood – rather than the typical foul customer mood more expectant of someone who’s computer had crashed -- and they had to wait nearly an hour -- only to be told an exorbitant price to amend their laptop situation.

I tried to bargain with Steve.

But Steve kept telling me “no” – then “NO” – in sort of the same stern voice I use to tell Maxine “NO” when she wants to partake of the dinner my boyfriend and I are sharing.

But…because I was in a playful mood, rather than give up, I adlibbed a joke.

I held up Maxine, so her sweet puppy dog eyes stared Steve directly in his dog-tired face, and said: “Maybe you can say no to a discount for me – but can you look Maxine directly in her eyes and tell her we’re not getting a discount?”

Steve laughed.

Heartily.

The next thing I knew, Maxine had snagged me a bonus 15% off discount.

And Steve’s mood had risen far more than 15%. He actually began smiling -- bigtime.

The lesson here?

No, it’s not to bring a dog with you the next time you buy a car or negotiate your salary.

It’s to bring a sense of humor wherever you go!

Much of my success in business is due to using humor – and so below are some helpful tips which you can use verbatim -- or re-write to fit your personality – all of which will remind you of the powerful perks of staying in a perky mood.

The truth of the matter: There’s far too much stress and sadness in the world.

According to Marci Shmimoff, author the N.Y.Times best seller, HAPPY FOR NO REASON, “The World Health Organization predicts that by 20/20, depression will be second only to heart disease in terms of global burden of illness.”

Meaning? Even if using some of the humorous ideas below don’t snag you that discount/job/raise – at least you’re out there having fun – and trying to make this world a happier place.

5 LAUGH YOUR WAY TO THE BANK BUSINESS TIPS:

1. SALARY NEGOTIATION… I once used this humorous quip, during a tough salary negotiation. The client said, “Karen, this is a negotiation. There’s supposed to be some give and take.” I teased: “Fine. You give. And I’ll take.” Guess what? That’s exactly what happened.

2. TRYING TO GET IN THE DOOR… Recently I had this humor quip used on me – and it worked. A PR person kept pitching me their client for my Sirius show. On about her seventh email, she switched gears, and began her email with this line: “I feel like one of those dolls that keeps bouncing back up again and again … but…” I laughed at her joke – re-read her pitch more attentively – and booked her guest. Later I used her exact email intro quip on someone I'd be unsuccessful at getting in to see. Guess what? I got the meeting.

3. INTERVIEW….When I was in advertising, I used this joke once at the end of an interview – and it clinched my job offer. At the end of the interview, the exec asked me, “Okay. Do you have any questions for me?” I adlibbed: “Um…yes. Can you name all seven of the seven dwarves?” The exec laughed, then tried to list them. As he did I quipped, “You know I have a theory that whichever dwarf you name first says something about you.” (He’d said “HAPPY” first. Maybe my surreal answer had put him in this state...?) Then the exec tried to list all seven of those seven dwarves, but couldn’t. So I quipped, “I also have a theory -- it’s revealing which dwarf’s name you can’t remember.” (As it turned out, neither he nor I could remember all seven dwarves. And so my job offer came with a strange code word. My headhunter called to tell me: “The exec said you got the job and to tell you ‘Sneezy.’" My guess: This humorous quip worked for a few reasons. (1) It was a creative director job I was interviewing for -- so I was actually giving him proof of my creativity. (2) All resumes being equal, people are so yearning for fun at work, they'd rather hire the fun/playful person. (3) Their ad agency was more of an "edgy" agency. This humorous quip might not have boded so well if I'd be interviewing at a bank. (4) It's boring interviewing people. I snapped the exec out of his interview trance -- and so I not only stood out in the crowd -- I changed his energy state -- and so he associated more positive emotions with me. Note: This adlib was completely by accident. I too was bored with interviewing -- and was yearning to pep things up. I did not go in purposefully with this answer -- but hey, if it worked with me, feel free to try it for yourself -- if the "job offer" fits this jokey response.)

4. AVOIDING A DIFFICULT QUESTION: Often people ask me inappropriate questions – like: “Do you mind if I ask you how much money you got for an advance on that book deal?” My answer: “I don’t mind you asking. I just mind me answering.” I find it closes down this uncomfortable conversation in a warm manner.

5. WARNING: EVEN A COMEDIAN KNOWS TO TEST HIS AUDIENCE AND DO A FEW WARM UP JOKES…With this in mind, I always begin EVERY phonecall I make with: “Is now a good time to talk?” If someone is in a frantic mood, it’s important to know before you begin talking. After all, it won’t matter how fabulous your product is or how adorable you might be, if someone’s mindset is on OFF. Plus, I also know to test out my humor slowly and raise the “edginess” of it slowly. Know thy audience -- before you quip to outrageously!

Do you have a story where humor bred success? If so, please share it below.

And if you're having trouble getting yourself into a humorous mood, please check out my book HOW TO BE HAPPY DAMMIT.

Warning:During times of economic struggle, it’s easy to become fearful, and neglect existing valued clients in an effort to drum up new clients Duncan MacPherson, in his co-authored book “Breakthrough Business Development” gives some interesting advice on how to make sure your exisiting clients remain appreciated, while you seek out new business.MacPherson suggests you purposefully convert your best clients into referral generating advocates. And he suggests ways you can do this, without appearing needy or pushy. For example… * Position the concept of referrals as a service you are providing-- rather than a favor you are requesting. Don’t say things like “I’m trying to grow my business. Please wave my flag at your friends.” Instead, explain to clients that, as a value added service , you’re now making yourself available to act as a sounding board to favorite clients, friends and family members.* Send letters to valued clients thanking them for their business. You’ll thereby be putting yourself in their top of mind awareness, ensuring your client will be more inclined to mention you to his or her friends.* Turn your clients into knowledgable advocates. If your clients cannot describe you to you, they cannot describe you to a friend. Ensure that your clients know and like what you do for them – by engaging them in a direct conversation, asking them what they know and like about your business.* Be sure to explain to existing clients how your services are especially beneficial during times of economic uncertainty. Outline the short and long-term benefits of your services, to show how you are indispensable and affordable.I agree with MacPherson’s suggestions – and would like to add that I believe it’s very okay to let clients know specifically upfront that for every referral they succeed in your getting, you will offer back a “gratitude discount” on your next service to them, to show your thanks. If they refuse, be sure to send them flowers or a bottle of wine. Remember: Appreciation breeds success. If you're new to my blog, you may want to consider subscribing to my RSS feed: Subscribe to this blog's feed. If you liked this article, please bookmark it on del.icio.us or vote for it on Digg. Digg. I’d appreciate it. :)

Duncan MacPherson, in his co-authored book “Breakthrough Business Development” gives some interesting advice on how to make sure your exisiting clients remain appreciated, while you seek out new business.

MacPherson suggests you purposefully convert your best clients into referral generating advocates. And he suggests ways you can do this, without appearing needy or pushy. For example…

* Position the concept of referrals as a service you are providing-- rather than a favor you are requesting. Don’t say things like “I’m trying to grow my business. Please wave my flag at your friends.” Instead, explain to clients that, as a value added service , you’re now making yourself available to act as a sounding board to favorite clients, friends and family members.

* Send letters to valued clients thanking them for their business. You’ll thereby be putting yourself in their top of mind awareness, ensuring your client will be more inclined to mention you to his or her friends.

* Turn your clients into knowledgable advocates. If your clients cannot describe you to you, they cannot describe you to a friend. Ensure that your clients know and like what you do for them – by engaging them in a direct conversation, asking them what they know and like about your business.

* Be sure to explain to existing clients how your services are especially beneficial during times of economic uncertainty. Outline the short and long-term benefits of your services, to show how you are indispensable and affordable.

I agree with MacPherson’s suggestions – and would like to add that I believe it’s very okay to let clients know specifically upfront that for every referral they succeed in your getting, you will offer back a “gratitude discount” on your next service to them, to show your thanks. If they refuse, be sure to send them flowers or a bottle of wine. Remember: Appreciation breeds success.

Energy To Go, Go, Go...

Fact: You can't get to where you want to go in your career -- or your relationship -- if you're low on energy.

Fact: Eating healthy foods will not just help you get rid of "muffin top" and "big buns" (note: see blog below). There are also deep and meaningful reasons for eating right -- which include having the vitality to accomplish your work goals -- and the spirited, positive energy to interact with your loved ones.

And I'm reminded of all these extra perky perks to eating right -- every time I bump into the fabulous Andrea Beaman -- a Top Chef Contestant -- and an inspiringly productive, high-energy gal.

I'd also like to add that Andrea's blessed with a trim figure, clear bright eyes, shiny hair, smooth skin and overall healthy glow -- but Andrea wasn't simply blessed-out-of-nowhere with these fabulous attributes.

No, no, no. Andrea truly earned these descriptors.

Indeed, Andrea is living proof of that expression "You are what you eat."

In her fascinating book, The Whole Truth, Better Food for Better Health, Andrea elaborates on how when she used to eat a diet filled with refined foods, junk foods, “diet” foods, stimulants and sugar... she was a whopping 25 pounds heavier, suffered from hypothyroidism, adult acne, brittle nails, and split ends.

It's hard to believe any of that -- when you look at Andrea today!

But Andrea insists it was only after she improved her food and lifestyle choices, that her energy, health and body dramatically changed.

Below are some of her insider cliffnotes -- on how you too can up your energy levels while you lower your weight...

EAT WHOLE FOODS! Whole foods have the vitamins, minerals, fat, fiber, protein, antioxidants and other elements your body needs to be nutritionally satisfied and to thrive. Some whole foods to chew on include whole grains, beans, animal proteins, vegetables, fruits, nuts, seeds, sea vegetables and real fats.

TOSS OUT ANYTHING “DIET.” Any packaged food stating it is diet, non-fat, low-fat, or contains sugar substitutes is probably loaded with chemicals, fillers, non-nutritive food substances and other nasty ingredients that your beautiful body cannot process. Remember to keep it real!

SPEND MONEY ON BETTER FOOD. Buy naturally raised, organically grown, local and seasonal foods. It may cost a little bit more, but you are making a delicious investment in your health. You are worth it!

Andrea insists that when your body is filled with the best quality foods, you will not only look better, you will have an abundance of energy!

Remember: If you're lacking in energy -- then it won't matter if you have the most talent in the world to do your job -- or if you have the biggest heart, best personality, and most fabulous kisses to give to your loved ones. You need energy first and foremost!

Remember: Eat right, dammit!

Dismayed by Muffin Top?

"Big buns" is an expression I've known for years -- but it's only recently I learned the expression "muffin-top" -- which is in reference to the sides of your waistline which jut out above your pants -- like the edge of a muffin top -- when you've packed on a few.

Khatun, one of NYC's top trainers, has the cure for both muffin top and big buns.

Khatun, an ex-pat Brit with twelve years experience, says: "Half the battle is showing up! But once there, it's actually quite simple to use your time more efficiently."

Here are a few of Khatun's main tips....

- GET YOUR VALUES IN SYNC WITH YOUR ACTIONS. We all know what it's like - when you're feeling torn between the gym and the couch. Right then is an opportunity to ask yourself, on a scale of 1 to 10, how important are feeling lean, fit, strong and healthy are to you? Get your answer - and act accordingly!

- WORK OUT LIKE YOU MEAN IT. When you pay attention to what your body and muscles are doing and how it feels when you're working it -- guess what? You actually increase the effectiveness and intensity of your workout. Sound preposterous? It's not. Repeated studies show body awareness during work-outs improves results.

- DON'T SPEAK! Workout time is time to work - not to be social. If you can talk while you work, you're not working hard enough!

- HIRE A TRAINER! Knowing someone is waiting for you and expecting you to show up is very motivating. Once there, they will also push to go further!

And if you live in NYC, and want to work out with Khatun, feel free to write her at perceptionmanagement@yahoo.com.

Want More Sex and Romance?

If you’re feeling as if staying close is not so simple, that’s because the male and female brain are very complex.

Very.

I just finished reading an interesting article in Men’s Health Magazine, written by Louann Brizendine -- a professor of psychiatry with an expertise in neuroscience.

Here are its Cliff Notes: “Yikes -- what a difference a chromosome makes!”

Okay. Let me expand a wee bit more on those Cliff Notes...

Basically the article explains how a man’s hypothalamus – the brain area which governs sexual pursuit -- is said to be potentially as much as seven times larger than a female’s hypothalamus – making it a fact that men have sex on the brain more than women – in a literal sense. Plus, it has also been estimated that the sex circuits in a typical man's brain light up once a minute -- much more often than a woman's – only the article didn’t say how much more.

One thing men and women actually do share in common – the natural decline in dopamine and oxytocin (the two male and female stimulators of feelings of emotional attachment). It’s both a male and female phenomenon that as length of a relationship increases, the plentihood of dopamine and oxytocin decrease.

However Brizendine shares a silver lining within the midst of this dark neurological cloud: “Anything that brings the two of you together --reading on the couch with her legs stretched across your knees, or watching TV with your heads resting together -- can produce a splash of (dopamine and oxytocin).”

A quick tip in particular for men: “Studies have found that a hug from a partner will produce an oxytocin rush in a woman's brain--but only if that hug lasts 20 seconds or more. And just about everything that falls under the general heading of 'foreplay' is likely to produce a similar effect.”

A quick warning in particular for women: “The effects of oxytocin can be incredibly disarming to a woman. Female animals injected with the stuff seem to throw caution to the wind and cuddle up with the first available male. And that is why, when women ask me for advice about men, I warn them, "Don't hug the guy unless you plan to trust him."

One story in particular stood out in this article…about a couple seeking marital aid.

In Brizendine’s words: “The woman--let's call her Jane--had virtually stopped having sex with her husband, whom we'll call Evan. They had both begun new jobs, and the hot wires that connected them had gradually gone cold. Jane never felt in the mood. Evan suspected she had a lover. Jane was thunderstruck. How could Evan imagine such a thing?”

“Never in the mood,” says Brizendine, is one of the most common complaints women bring to her office, and one of the easiest to fix. It's simply what happens when male and female brains – being so different -- miss the point with one another.

Brizendine explains: “It was natural for Evan, with his male brain bleating for sex once a minute, to assume that his wife had similar appetites that were being satisfied elsewhere. Jane had no idea that to the male brain, sex is as essential to a relationship as TALKING.”

The couple hashed out their problems in Brizendine’s office. When they returned two weeks later, their sex life was as hot as ever.

How?

The couple together had decided to stop referring to sex as "sex.”

Instead the husband and wife had good humouredly re-named sex as: "male communication."

Brizendine ended her “Men's Health” article by saying to all her male readers that she wished them “an abundance of male communication.”

I agree – and would like to add a note to the women readers out there – that I wish you all plenty of multiple male communication!

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What is the luxurious life?

"Luxury is not just about amassing quantity, it is about living life to the fullest," says Lorre White, "The Guru Of Luxury,” and CEO of White Light Consulting LLC, an international luxury marketing consulting company which serves the Ultra High Net Worth demographic.

Although White is in the know about some of the biggest extravagances in the world -- and literally out of this world -- like the first hotel room in outer space (available in 2012 for a fun-filled $4.2 million vacation), White insists: "You can also do luxury on budget. Luxury can be for everyone."

Here are 5 simple ways White suggests you bring luxury into your daily life...

1 Wear your favorite fragrance every day. It will make you smile.

2 Light a scented candle at dinner and again when you start to get ready for bed. Candles are the most affordable way to create a drastic change in your environmemt. Make it a daily ritual.

3 Instead of showering, take a warm, relaxing bath with your favorite foaming scent or bath oil. This is great to do individually or with your partner.

4 While bathing, drink a glass of wine or exotic tea or listen to relaxing music. The goal: Delight as many senses in one experience as possible.

5 Give yourself a little treat everyday….perhaps one piece of Fran’s fig chocolate ganauch. Remember to truly stop and be present in the moment.

For more Luxury On A Budget tips, check out White's site and podcasts at www.GuruOfLuxuryPodcast.com.

Is love still the same kind of love at any age? And if so, is heartbreak still the same kind of heartbreak at any age?

I became curious to find out when I received "30 Days to Getting over the Dork You Used to Call Your Boyfriend: A Heartbreak Handbook" written by Girlsense.com's advice columnist, Clea Hantman.

Clea's goal for her tween-something handbook: Teach young women how to deal with the pain of an icky Dork early on in their lives, so that perhaps they'll never need grown-up break up books when going through the angst of a yucky divorce!

After checking out her book, I definitely feel Clea's advice is restorative for gals of all ages -- and ironically might be especially helpful to the angst-ridden divorcing-set, because of Clea's playful writer's voice and super-fun ideas for re-loving your Dork-free life.

Here are 5 of Clea's many helpful tips:

Let it out. The idealized romance, the glowing, rose-tinged retrospect version of how fuzzy-warm the relationship used to be — well that needs to be said. And then it needs to be dissected like a dead frog and trashed.

Put time limits on how much you spew. Friend time shouldn’t be entirely spent on rehashing what’s already been said. Get out and get silly.

Anger is useful. It just cannot be directed at a human being. Clea suggests writing down on pieces of masking tape five things about the Dork which make you mad - then slapping the tape on the soles of your shoes. As you walk around you can dig your feet in, grind, stomp, really walk with a purpose.

Let’s get physical. There is so much scientific fact out there that states that exercise makes your mind happier and your body more peaceful so exercise is key even if it’s simple walks or joining a roller derby team.

Air guitar is good for the soul. Music has this incredible power to carry us as if on a wave through sets of emotion. And it can be a great way to express feelings that are otherwise impossible to say. It should be used wisely though. Limit the amount of wallowing cute-boy singer-songwriters.

Ultimately Cleas book recommends a whole lot of soul searching, discovering who you are, what you want/don’t want – which is indeed wise advice at any age.

Ever notice when change is served at a company, people don’t rush over -- plate in hand -- eagerly loading up?

No, the normal reaction is to stand still -- gripped with fear.

Far too many people translate the news of “change” as meaning “Oh no! I'm about to lose my job, my compensation, my influence, my expertise, my credibility, my seniority, my office, my friends, etc, etc”

But for many reasons -- paradoxically -- “lack of change” offers up a far higher risk – especially in today’s fast-moving, ever-shifting global marketplace.

Timothy Clark, in his new, wonderful book, "EPIC CHANGE: How to Lead Change in the Global Age," explains why change should be happily welcomed -- and offers practical tips to help you avoid the greater risk of standing still.

For example…

1. Own Your Career
Take complete ownership of your career development -- by consistently seeking out training, coaching, active learning, and annual reviews.

2. Consider Your Skills Like Technology
Professional skills today go through the same product life-cycle as technology: introduction, growth, maturity, and decline. Accept that you must abandon many of your skills as they become obsolete and re-learn new ones.

3. View the Organization As Configurable Parts
Agile, high-performing employees view organizations as dynamic systems with configurable parts. Instead of getting emotionally attached to the familiar, they stay focused on finding new ways to create value. When they see an organization is not performing well, they accept it's time to reconfigure some parts to create a better whole.

Is the glass ceiling becoming an anachronism?

This morning on my Sirius show BE HAPPY DAMMIT, I had on a wonderful panel of women -- representing a few generations -- a feisty/successful woman in her 20's, 30's, 40's and 50's.

The panel was pulled together for me by the 20's something representative -- Hannah Seligson -- and she blogged about it over at her column on dailycents.

Each woman panelist discussed what they felt were the biggest challenges facing women of their particular decade -- and just how much progress each believed we women are/aren't making!

Because it was such a complicated/interesting topic, we ran out of time just as things were heating up.

I promised my listeners I'd post information on my guests on my blog, so if they wanted to find out more they could read their books and/or websites.

Below is my distinguished panel...

20's Gal -- Hannah Seligson -- a career expert, journalist, and author based in New York City. Her work has appeared in The New York Post, The Boston Globe, The Daily News, Marie Claire, The Village Voice, and The Huffington Post. She is a monthly contributor to JobWeek, a nationally syndicated career section. Hannah’s first book, New Girl on the Job: Advice from the Trenches, a career guide for young women based on over a hundred interviews she conducted.

30's Gal -- Harleen Kahlon -- the CEO and Founder of Damsels In Success. She is a former lawyer and executive recruiter, and is a graduate of U.C. Berkeley and Yale Law School. Harleen is a firm believer in the idea that we create our own opportunities, and her vision for Damsels is that it should be a place where professional women are inspired to create theirs.

40's Gal -- Debra Condren, Ph.D. -- a psychologist, a business coach and career advisor, and is the Founder and Executive Director of the Women's Business Alliance. Dr. Condren received a U.S. Small Business Administration's "Women In Business Advocate of the Year" award in 2000. Her client roster includes a diverse list of Fortune 500 companies, entrepreneurs, and students between the ages of sixteen and sixty.

50's Gal -- Leslie Bennetts -- a contributing editor at Vanity Fair since 1988, writing on subjects that have ranged from movie stars to priest pedophilia, industrial pollution and U.S. anti-terrorism policy. She is the author of the Feminine Mistake: Are We Giving up Too Much. Prior to joining Vanity Fair, Bennetts spent fifteen years as a newspaper reporter. She started covering so-called “women’s issues” at The Philadelphia Bulletin in the early 1970’s, and has continued to write about women, marriage, families and parenting ever since. After five years at The Bulletin, where she won many awards, Bennetts moved to The New York Times -- and was the first woman ever to cover a presidential campaign for The Times.

Unlock Your Untapped Brilliance

Want to be more energized, innovative and successful?

In his new book "Surrounded by Geniuses," bestselling author Dr. Alan Gregerman shows how rediscovering your innate sense of curiosity can be your secret weapon in coming up with new ideas needed to solve pressing problems and create real business opportunities.

But... you have to get off your butt and out of your comfort zones to make it happen!

Here are his six simple actions to unlock your untapped brilliance today.

1. Expand your reading horizons. Start reading at least three new magazines that interest you and have absolutely nothing to do with work. Then broaden the array of books, websites and other sources of information that you explore.

2. Hit the road in search of new ideas. Take mini-excursions into the world around you to unlock fresh ideas and new ways of doing things. Visit museums, interesting neighborhoods, trendy shopping districts, world-class organizations and even performances that spark new ways of thinking.

3. Ask thought-provoking questions whenever you get the chance. Raise more “big” questions in every meeting you attend. Challenge yourself and your colleagues to question everything that matters to see if there’s a better way.

4. Become your customer’s best student. Hang out with customers and learn as much as you can about their world and the real challenges and opportunities they face. Then invite them to take shared journeys of discovery.

5. Make friends with unusual people. Talk to strangers from different fields whose work and ideas fascinate you to understand how others use their talent, passion and curiosity to unlock compelling value for “customers” they choose to serve.

6. Cast an even wider net in search of insight. Then look to nature, history, geography, the arts and the genius of other people and other cultures as an untapped source of great inspiration. Dare yourself to discover what others know so clearly and how it might apply to your world and the world of your customers.

What is a Go-Giver?

According to Bob Burg and John David Mann, co-authors of The Go-Giver, it’s that man or woman who has achieved great success by putting emphasis on giving - more than emphasis on getting.

Being a "go-giver" is not only a nice way to live . . . but very profitable, as well.

Burg and Mann use a parable/fable format to share their five laws of "go-giver" success that are not only easy to understand, but easy to implement.

They are:

THE LAW OF VALUE: Your true worth is determined by how much more you give in value, than you take in payment. Guess what? Price and value are two different things! Your goal: Strive to provide value over and above the price/fee you charge. Your results: More people will desire to do more business with you.

THE LAW OF COMPENSATION: Your income is determined by how many people you serve -- and how well you serve them. When you touch many people's lives with lots of great value, your “bottom line” soars to the top.

THE LAW OF INFLUENCE: Your influence is determined by how abundantly you place other people’s interests first. “All things being equal, people will do business with, and refer business to, those people they know, like and trust.” There’s no faster, more powerful or more effective way to elicit positive feelings than by constantly focusing on others' needs.

THE LAW OF AUTHENTICITY: The greatest gift you have to offer is yourself. All the technical skills, sales skills and even people skills are practically for naught if you are not your genuine self.

THE LAW OF RECEPTIVITY: The key to effective giving is to stay open to receiving. In the same way that it’s just as important to breathe in as it is to breathe out, giving and receiving are simply two sides to the same wonderful coin. Be willing to receive. But always continue to give!

The Business of Blogging for Business

My friend Jonathan Fields has a wonderful blog always full of insightful information, written with a playful voice. So, the other morning over coffee I revealed my "crush" on his blog, and Jonathan generously shared helpful advice about blogging -- one of his tips being BLOG MORE REGULARLY...which I am now doing. (Thanks, Jonathan!)

Jonathan also gave me this short list of 5 small-business blogs which he says are "must reads" for anyone looking to not only stay in the loop, but discover a growing library of immensely usable tools! So here they are, for you all to benefit from as well!

1. Small Business Trends | Launched in the early days of blogging by former corporate lawyer turned technology CEO and, eventually, powerhouse blogger, Anita Campbell, this blog is updated daily with highly-practical, tips, software reviews, online tools and interviews.

2. Duct Tape Marketing | Rivaling Anita Campbell for time in the blogosphere, John Jantsch’s blog, drawing from his popula book by the same name, focuses on marketing and business-building techniques for small businesses, especially online. Recent additions include an interactive community called the Workbench.

3. How To Change The World | The blog of former Apple evangelist and now venture-capitalist and entrepreneur, Guy Kawasaki, you’ll find great profiles, breaking news, resources and opinions with a heavy emphasis on interactive entrepreneurship.

4. Dane Carlson’s Small Business Opportunties | Dane Carlson’s biz-opps blog is chock full of ideas and innovations, both for starting or buying businesses and taking existing businesses to the next level. Lots of profiles and reviews really draw you in.

5. Entrepreneur Daily | The blog for small-business magazine/website Entrepreneur.com, Entrepreneur Daily updates several times each day with small-biz tools, tips, and a healthy bit of news from around the world of entrepreneurship

Sometimes It's Only Human To Be Reptile

Billionaire Warren Buffett has said that the reason people don't become as successful as him is that they get in their own way -- not because the world is stopping them.

Dr. Mark Goulston, a business psychiatrist and the best selling author of "Get Out of Your Own Way At Work," agrees.

Dr. Goulston says: "People get in their own way by doing hasty things to get out of a stressful situation... but these hasty things end up hurting them in the long run. For example, procrastinating makes you feel better today, but then adds extra pressure a week from now -- when things are extra overdue. Another example is talking 'at' people -- which feels quick and easy. But you're setting yourself up for an upsetting confrontation, if you don't give clear, two-way dialogue instructions."

The solution?

Dr. Goulston says you need to stop operating from your immediate impulses -- which is what happens when you tap into the reptile part of your brain -- and choose those impulsive fight or flight reactions to stress. Instead you must tap into both the emotional mammalian part of your brain and your rational neocortex part of your brain.

Below are 6 steps from Dr. Goulston to help ensure you're not thinking/behaving like a reptile -- and instead thinking/behaving like your highest level human self!

While reading these 6 steps, imagine someone who cares about you walking you through them. Also keep in mind these are terrific steps for a parent to use to help children overcome impulsive, self-defeating behavior.

Step 1: Physical awareness. Where do you physically feel the tension? Pinpoint it -- a knot in your stomach... tight shoulders, etc. -- and give the sensation a name. This starts you down a path toward awareness vs. reactivity.

Step 2: Emotional awareness. Attach an emotion to the physical sensation. For example: "I feel angry... bored... afraid, etc."

Step 3: Impulse awareness. Complete the sentence, "This feeling makes me want to..." Fill in the blank with your immediate emotional reaction.

Step 4: Consequence awareness. Answer the question, "If I respond this way, what's likely to happen?" Think through all the possible consequences.

Step 5: Solution awareness. Complete the sentence, "A better thing to do would be..."

Step 6: Benefit awareness. Finish the sentence, "If I try that strategy, the benefits will be..." List as many as possible.

The 5 Secrets To A Happier Life - Which Should Not Be Kept A Secret

This morning my boyfriend asked me what I was reading. It was a book called THE 5 SECRETS YOU MUST DISCOVER BEFORE YOU DIE -- which after reading I became aware of how non-secretive I should be about the info within.

Not only does the author, Dr. John Izzo, include important concepts we should all be thinking about -- but interesting conversations we can all benefit from sharing with our paramours, friends and family.

Dr. Izzo interviewed several thousand people, asking them each to identify the "wisest" people they knew -- someone who had lived a long, happy life. He then identified 235 "wise elders" - from ages 60 to 105, including a town barber, real etstae tycoon, Holocost survivor, native chief, CEO, etc etc... He then distilled all their wisest insights, finding 5 common patterns. Additionally, he developed some questions we should all ask ourselves and those we love on a consistent basis.

Voila... Dr. Izzo's cliff notes...

BE TRUE TO YOURSELF. Follow your heart and dreams - not the dreams of others. This may mean making a radical change, or small adjustments. QUESTIONS TO ASK: Did this day/week feel like "your" kind of day/week? What might make tomorrow/next week feel more true to you?

LEAVE NO REGRETS. Dr. Izzo found people didnt regret risks they failed at - but rather ones they did not take. QUESTIONS TO ASK: Did you act on your convictions today/this week? How are you responding to setbacks? Are you stepping forward or retreating?

BECOME LOVE. The more you focus on acting with love - the more you'll find happiness. This begins with choosing to love yourself - and breaking away from thoughts that are self-defeating/self-critical. You must also be making love relationships a top priority. QUESTIONS TO ASK: Did you make room for your paramour, friends, family today/this week? Did you spread love/kindness in the world at each interaction?

LIVE THE MOMENT. This means living in the now...rather than simply plannning. QUESTIONS TO ASK: Did you fully enjoy what you were doing today/this week? What are you grateful for?

GIVE MORE THAN YOU TAKE. Each day you have the power to give without limit. Giving connects you to other people and feeling like you are part of something larger than yourself -- whether it's a supreme being or the entire human journey. QUESTIONS TO ASK: Did you make the world a better place today/this week in some small way? Were you kind, generous, empathic? How could you be more so tomorrow/next week?

10 Secrets To A Happier Love Life

First, read this list of relationship tips below. When you get to the bottom, I will share with you WHERE they come from -- a surprising source!

1. We all create our relationships to work out issues that need to be addressed.

2. We project most of our undesirable AND fabulous qualities on to the partner.

3. Own what are your relationship issues and what are the other person's issues. Acknowledge your part in the play. We always attract our "equal" on the continuum. A victim will always find a victimizer, a masochist a sadist, a giver a taker. No judgements, but don't think it's their issue that they always leave... You change YOUR behavior and you will attract a different kind of partner.

4. Ignorance and emotional immaturity cause pain. Pick your emotional equal, which has very little to do with age. There are still 50 year olds playing in the sandbox.

5. Pain and frustration are the result of not wanting to see reality. Do your partner's words and actions match up? The first meeting actually shows you the entire trajectory of a relationship. A person usually tells you who he/she is in the first five minutes of meeting. (aka: I'm not a relationship oriented person, I'm not ready to open up to someone, I usually leave/get left, I'm not a good person)

6. Feigned indifference is NOT an aphrodisiac. If you desire someone, show it as you will get back ten times what you put out.

7. Casual sex is an oxymoron. Sex is the most powerful energy on the planet with clear emotional and chemical impact, so choose your partners with discrimination. You don't want psychic garbage clogging up your system.

8. Likewise, sex without love is SOUL-DEADENING. We are meant to connect deeply in the sex act and when the heart is closed, you short-circuit and distort your energy.

9. Women are looking for their inner male animus in the partner, while men are trying to access their inner female, their anima through their mate. With same sex couples, the same applies. Whoever is playing the male is seeking the female in the other and vice versa.

10. Despite the oftentimes push-pull of even the most dysfunctional relationship, both people choose the relationship.

There about 5 more incredibly insightful and helpful tips from this fascinating expert...who is Patrice Kamins... an astrological consultant, creator of a wonderful site called interventionista.com...and my guest tomorrow on my drivetime radio show BE HAPPY DAMMIT, from 8am to 9am EST on Sirius, at Lime 114.

As a radio host it's interesting to have people on one day from the science community ...and an astrologer on the next day.

What's also intriguing for me is to explore topics I'm not necessarily "sold on" from the get-go. I'll confess now...and I'll confess on air...I'm not a big follower in astrology.

AND YET...I lovelovelove Patrice's relationship tips above ....which she continues on her interventionista.com site.

I look forward to discussing how and why astrology can help folks lead a happier life. And in particular I also look forward to exploring how her very wise relationship tips above are inspired and informed by her work with astrology!

Is it ethical to use genetic technologies to improve a human being's beauty, athletics, IQ, memory, mathematical ability...etc, etc?

In the late 1970s, molecular biologists became capable of splicing and sequencing genes - and thereby developed the power to alter life!

How should this tremendous power be used?

Tomorrow two reknowned biology experts will be guests on my Sirius daily drivetime show BE HAPPY DAMMIT -- talking with me about four bioethical topics that have received substantial public attention and debate lately.

Firstly, the ethics of research with embryonic stem cells... and what constitutes a human being? Is an embryo a human being? Is it ethical to use genetic technologies to improve a human being's beauty, athletics, IQ, memory, mathematical ability...etc, etc? What, if anything, is wrong with genetic enhancements? Is there a conflict between the benefits for an individual and the harms for society in general?

Secondly, we'll be talking about how scarce medical technologies should be allocated. When pandemic influenza strikes, there will be a shortage of vaccines as well as ICU beds and respirators. If we only have a limited supply of influenza vaccines who should receive first priority? Those at risk of dying? Women and children? Those most economically productive? What ethical principle(s) should determine who gets a vaccine and who doesn’t? This same issue confronts us when we try to distribute livers or hearts for transplantation.

Thirdly, we'll address how the US is conducting biomedical research in developing countries. Is it ethical to do a study of an HIV vaccine in Africa? Or is such a study exploitation of poor Africans for the benefit of rich Americans? What conditions or requirements would make such a study ethical? How can we ensure we do not exploit the citizens of poor nations in conducting biomedical research?

Fourthly, we'll talk about health care reform. Polls say that Americans consider the #1 domestic issue health care reform. The three leading Democratic presidential candidates have offered health care reform plans. When Mitt Romney was governor of Massachusetts he enacted a health care reform plan. What should the goals of a reform be? What are the options for reforming the American health care system? Is the Massachusetts plan best? What about single payer? Or what about vouchers?

Needless to say, I'm excited and curious to talk about all of the above.

My two experts are Ezekiel J. Emanuel (the Chair of the Department of Bioethics at The Clinical Center of the National Institutes of Health) and Dr. Michelle McMurry (a Robert Wood Johnson Health and Society Scholar at UC Berkeley and San Francisco who's work has focused on the intersection of biomedical research funding policies and healthcare disparities and global health inequities.)

I thank the Aspen Institute for bringing me these two experts -- who come to me from their famed Socrates Seminars Series -- conversations led by moderators like these two guests -- who provide compelling conversation in a beautiful Aspen setting amongst interesting professionals from around the globe.

Indeed, I respect the Aspen Institute so much, I'm now creating a regular series on my Sirius show with conversations and topics inspired by Socrates Seminars past and future!

So if you're intrigued about the science versus ethics debate, tune in tomorrow morning, on Sirius at Lime 114, 8am EST to 9am EST - with a replay 8pm EST to 9pm EST.

How Is Your Friendship Life?

Only 30% of employees report having a best friend at work!

People with at least 3 close work friends were 46% more likely to be extremely satisfied with their job -- and 88% more likely to be satisfied with their lives!

Employee satisfaction jumps by almost 50% when employees describe having close work friends - and doubles the chance workers will have a favorable view of their pay.

Being around a boss was generally considered the least-pleasant part of the work-day. But, employees who were good friends with their bosses were more than TWICE as likely to be happy with their work.

What's interesting is that many companies actually discourage workplace friendships. Specifically, nearly one-third of the 80,000 managers and leaders interviewed by Gallup agreed with the statement that "familiarity breeds contempt."

But according to Rath companies which discourage workplace friendship are actually harming themselves.

"When we asked people if they would rather have a best friend at work or a 10% pay raise, having a friend clearly won," says Rath. "Friendships are among the most fundamental of human needs."

With this in mind, Rath encourages people to recognize there are eight important roles friends can play at work, and to try to keep a Diversified Friendship Portfolio from each of the 8 categories, which include...

• Builder (motivator)

• Champion (sing your praises)

• Collaborator (has similar interests, passions)

• Companion (always there for you)

• Connector (introduces you to others, widens your circle)

• Energizer (always gives you a boost, makes you laugh)

• Mind opener (expand your horizons, embrace new ideas)

• Navigator (helps you make decisions)

If you're interested in developing stronger friendships, you should not only seek out people from all the above 8 categories, but become more aware of how you can offer up a little of each of these 8 categories to all the people in your life.

BEWARE THE GLASS WALL!

A research study was performed on fish who were put into an aquarium with a glass wall down its middle.

Due to this glass wall, the fish grew up believing they could only swim half way across the aquarium, because if they ever tried to swim further, their little fishie noses would get smashed.

After a few months, the glass wall was removed.

Guess what?

The fish still did not swim to the other side of the aquarium.

We humans, with all our advanced consciousness, are often no better than those fishies.

We grow up with limiting beliefs, which we hold onto... and which then hold us back from getting all we want in our lives.... even if these limiting beliefs are imaginary.

For example.... If youre feeling like youre having a challenging time getting the healthy-love you want, the passionate-successful career you want.... the toned-buff body you want... thats because youre being held back by a leftover glass wall from your childhood... a glass wall which has long been removed, because, hey, that was then, this is NOW.

And NOW is the time to get over your limiting beliefs and get on with living your happiest, most love-filled, most productive life!

On Dec. 17th at 7pm at THE SOHO HOUSE in NYC I will help you do just that... by giving you the information which will lead to your transformation... in my new seminar called: MAKE 2008 YOUR BEST YEAR EVER, DAMMIT!

Be sure to bring your most troublesome problems and lamest excuses for not living the life you desire and deserve - and I will make sure you leave that seminar room empty handed of what's been weighing you down and keeping you back!

BONUS: FREE Moet Chandon Champers will be served .... because, hey, this is not only going to be your best year EVER... but the best seminar youve attended EVER!

UBER-BONUS: I will be picking 1 attendee from the audience to become a regular guest on my Sirius radio show, BE HAPPY DAMMIT. Twice a month for three months, I will coach you at the speed of NOW.... live on the airwaves. You dont even need to come into the studio. You just need to have a clear landline... and a clear headed determination to live the life you want, dammit. Oh, and morning coffee helps... as the show airs 8am to 9am EST!

SEMINAR DAY/TIME: Dec. 17th at 7pm

SEMINAR FEE: $35.00 by paypal up until Dec. 1st $40.00 Dec 1st through Dec. 16th, $45.00 at door

ADDRESS:SOHO HOUSE, 29-35 Ninth Ave (b/w 13th and 14th St)...in New York City, baby!

Click here to go to reserve your seat QUICKLY/EASILY through PAYPAL now! Just seek out the info on the LEFT COLUMN!

Prince Harming Syndrome?

Confession time: I once suffered from what I call Prince Harming Syndrome – the tendency to date men who were bully beaus – charismatic guys, who seemed like great catches, until they’d suddenly erupt into a rage, over the smallest of things: an unmade bed, being late by 10 minutes, a difference in movie preferences.

I remember once I was sharing a story about a particular Prince Harming with my girlfriend, Joanie, in a café, when the man at the next table interrupted.

“Excuse me,” this stranger said. “I hope you girls don’t mind, but I must confess I overheard you talking….and well…I’m a psychoanalyst…and I’m worried about you,” he said staring directly at me. “Do you mind if I give you my free therapy opinion?”

“Not at all,” said Joanie, answering for me.

“I have nothing to gain by telling you this,” the anonymous psychoanalyst began. “I don’t want or need your business. But as a psychoanalyst, I cannot help but recognize how this man you’re with is emotionally abusive. He sounds like a classic control freak…with sadistic tendencies… and you, well, you are a classic masochist… since as of right now, you are choosing to stay.”

“Masochist?” I repeated.

I looked at Joanie. She meekishly shrugged.

“But it’s good news, too,” the anonymous psychoanalyst said. “Masochists always have the most hope for change, because masochists always blame themselves. So… search deeply for why you’re with this man, your responsibility for having chosen him…and get out while you can!” He then grabbed his brown leather briefcase, and whisked out of the café – like some masked psychoanalyst avenger.

I felt both horrified and validated. My Prince Harming had been assessed by a professional to be a sadistic control freak.

And me? I still had yet to figure out why had I chosen him.

In my mind I wasn’t a masochist. I’d been tricked. The way advertisers use “bait and switch” my Prince Harming had employed “date and switch.” He truly did start out so nice.

“You really should end this dysfunctional relationship,” Joanie urged me. “Trust me. You’ll meet and marry a great guy soon enough. You’ve just got to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince.”

“I accept that,” I told her. “It’s just the pigs, dogs and jacka---‘s I mind kissing.”

We laughed heartily at the time. But sure enough, within 24 hours, this Prince Harming again erupted at me – calling me a “c---t” in front of his daughter – a sweet 8 year old little girl.

At that point, I finally had the clarity of mind to leave.

I recognized, however, just because this man was no longer in my life, it didn’t mean my masochistic dating tendencies had left too. I needed to do some serious self-exploration, and understand why I had this urge to go towards these fiery-tempered men, rather than run from.

Although I’ve since -- thankfully -- with effort – broken free from my Prince Harming Syndrome, I continue to hear many tales of Prince Harmings from my girlfriends.

Indeed, in the last few weeks I’ve heard four Prince Harming tales.

SInce I empathise so greatly -- having “been there, dated that!” today I wanted to write something to help.

If you’re a woman who’s presently involved with A Prince Harming, here are some important things to keep in mind.


1. Did you have a parent with a bad temper? If so, you’re experiencing what Freud called Repetition Compulsion. Your past is sneaking into your present. You accept being shrieked at as being “normal” – when it’s not. Some part of you from childhood feels “you’re bad” and deserves anger as a ritualistic behavior. Well, I’m here to tell you, the time has come to stop these anger rituals! Nothing in your past is in your physical reality now making you do anything you don’t choose to do. You are NOT your past history! You are NOT your past failures! You are NOT how others have at one time treated you! You are ONLY who you THINK you are now in this moment.You are ONLY what you DO now in this moment.


2. Are you hooked into pain because of low self esteem? Perhaps you feel like you don’t deserve healthy love because of your weight, career, etc. If so…you must either improve your weight, career, etc – or change your view of these things. Start loving yourself -- flaws and all. Focus on what makes you hot stuff! You’re funny, kind, generous, a great kisser! A guy should be so lucky as to be with you! The stronger your self-beliefs that you deserve healthy love, the more you will conquer and attract!


3. Have you stopped being a hopeless romantic – and now think romance is hopeless? Have you lowered your “dating bar” so low, low, low, that now only the slimiest reptilean snake-y guys are wiggling through? If so, the time has come to raise that bar -- by surrounding yourself with friends and family who are in healthy, loving relationships, so you’re constantly reminded “good love” is out there – and so you know what it looks, sounds, feels, and quacks like!


4. Are your values off-kilter, and you care more about money and good looks, than you do about your self esteem and happiness? As my good girlfriend Khatun once quipped. “Every a----hole has their silver lining!” Sure enough, Prince Harmings are usually very appealing on lots of levels -- which distracts us gals from the very fact that they are indeed toxic. You must remind yourself: the #1 reason to merge your life with a man is that he makes you feel happier – not more anxious and depressed. You must also remind yourself of your top values for a man. Write a list – and on it should be: even-tempered, kind-hearted, gentle, a good listener, a compromiser etc. Also write down how you’d feel being with this type of man (relaxed, safe, content, happy, etc.) Keep these lists with you in your wallet – and make them priorities.


5. Are you an “enterpainer”? Are you used to entertaining everyone with your tales of drama and conflict? If so, Carl Jung believes that’s because we humans need meaning/purpose in our lives – a central drive to feel our lives are important. If we cannot feel that passion in a “high level quest” (ie healthy, fabulous love, a passionate career etc) then we go to Plan B -- seek a “low level quest” ( ie Prince Harming Syndrome – which makes us feel important every time we complain about how awful this man is – and get such strong reactions from people.) Listen up! The time has come to stop settling for “low level quests” – and seek positive passion and purpose for yourself!


6. Do you keep telling yourself it’s not 3 strikes and Prince Harming is out – it’s 3,452,103 strikes and he’s out? Are you rationalizing staying in this harmful relationship longer and longer, because you’re more afraid of the pain of “temporary solitude” than the pain of abuse? If so, you must accept that when you break up, there will be a temporary period of aloneness. But “temporary” is the key word. Decide now that you will use your “temporary” alone time to do all the things you’re putting off doing. Take a class. Join a club. Spoil yourself with bubble baths, flowers, massages, pedicures. At night before bedtime, do a Mental Rental: envision your ideal man coming towards you. And remember – the Law Of Attraction can’t work – until you’ve practiced The Law Of Subtraction – and rid yourself of that Prince Harming!


7. Are you afraid to break up with your Prince Harming because you’ll feel like another broken relationship is a failure. If so, re-frame this as a success story. From hereonin you will not be dating Prince Harmings! Make this ending stand for your brand new beginning! Every time you find yourself missing your Prince Harming’s silver lining, repeat the word “Forward!” Remind yourself you’re moving forward away from this self-hurting tendency.

Remember, in life change is something which just sort of happens.

But progress is a choice – your choice!

If you know of someone who suffers from Prince Harming Syndrome, please alert them to this blog post!

A QUICKIE 20 minute peek into the secrets behind "THE FOUR HOUR WORK WEEK"

I don't know about you, but I think it's a miraculous work week if I can slash it down to only 40 hours - let alone 4 hours!

Tim Ferriss, however, has written a NY Times best selling book which gives some truly helpful pointers on how to cut your work week down to a mere size 4 hours -- an empowering book called THE FOUR HOUR WORK WEEK.

How does Tim suggest you do it?

You can listen in to these 2 quickie ten minute cliffnote audio segments -- which sum up Tim's tips - right from Tim's mouth to your computer - because Tim was one of my terrific guests this week, on my Sirius show, BE HAPPY DAMMIT.

FYI: Tim obviously knows how to have a 4 hour week, since he's ONLY 29 years old and ALSO a serial entrepreneur, speaks six languages, runs a multinational firm from wireless locations worldwide, been a world-record holder in tango, a national champion in Chinese kickboxing, and an actor on a hit television series in Hong Kong.

 

Part 1:

or download the Podcast (.mp3)

Part 2:

or download the Podcast (.mp3)

Women Of The World: Use Your Cleavage Power Responsibly!

This Monday morning -- Oct. 29th -- at 8am I will be on THE TODAY SHOW – talking with Donny Deutsche and Meredith Vieira – about cleavage in the workplace.

The question posed: What are the rules and regulations for bringing a loaded cleavage into the office with you?

First, let me state up front that I think it’s an evolutionary step forward for all of womankind that we business women can now dress at least somewhat femininely at the office.

As recently as a mere decade ago, a woman used to feel that to succeed in business she had to imitate men – and even more foolishly imitate stupid, obnoxious men – and even more foolishly, a woman even thought she had to dress like a man to succeed.

Personally, I’ve never believed a woman has to make a choice:

1. feminine

2. successful

Pick only one of the above.

I’ve always been a believer that a woman should be her full feminine self at the office.

I’m into what I call “feminine-ism” – which unlike hardcore feminism – is about being feminine and powerful both - in one tasty spoonful.

But -- with that said -- I also think there’s a definite moderation point with cleavage -- a balance between dressing-like-a-man-in-drag and dressing like a stripper!

A business woman must keep in mind that too much exposed boobage can swing back around and kick her in the butt.

Basically, at a certain point exposed cleavage stops making a woman more appealing and persuasive – and starts detracting and distracting from her professionalism.

Of course there’s more freedom of cleavage expression depending upon the business you are in. Creative fields – like advertising, fashion, pr – tend to be more liberal in their views of cleavage – and how much cleavage should be liberally viewed. Law firms, poltical fields, and financial offices are more conservative.

The general rule across the board: Dress for the people who pay you! Humans are attracted to familiars -- people who remind them of themselves. There's even a word for this psychological tendency: mimesis. So, mirror your employer’s dress-code needs -- while still having a dash of your own self-expression.

Emphasis on dash – not FLASH! You can’t be flashing those boobs all over the place if you want to be taken seriously.

And let’s be honest here! Chances are you know in your heart – right beneath that cleavage – if you’re overexposing yourself.

It’s like pornography versus art.You know the difference when you see it. Well, if you’re honest with yourself, you know the difference between pornographic cleavage at the office – and artistic cleavage at the office.

And if you don’t feel you do, then keep the following in mind: “the medium cleavage is the best message.”

And this is actually scientifically researched – at the University of Central Florida – where researchers put together a study to discover the affect of a woman’s cleavage on people.

They videotaped the same actress giving the same speech – each time with a different breast size and cleavage exposure… ranging from A to D. Participants then viewed one of the A, B, C or D cup-sized videos and rated the actress on her professionalism. The majority of males perceived the actress to be most professional when she had a medium cup breast size -- whereas females were generally not influenced by the actress’ breast size at all.

Another interesting highlight from this Central Florida study -- the actress herself had different reactions to her own blossoming bosom.

As her cup-size began to runneth over, the actress felt more self-conscious about her breasts - and thereby more worried about her performance.

So if you’re a woman who’s showing too much cleavage, you might not only be creating a dizzying affect on the people around you, but on yourself – because you might make yourself extra self-conscious.

Ok… So what is the lesson to be learned?

I think flaunting too much cleavage at the office can often be about over-compensating – trying to make up for some needed self-confidence in other aspects of insecurity in professional life.

Basically, many women who expose their cleavage are trying to accentuate their positives -- in hopes of distracting from their negatives.

THE BIG IRONY: If you look like you're trying too hard -- you will be perceived as less confident and thereby be taken less seriously and be less liked.

However -- if dressing a bit on the sexy side is your natural personality -- your authentic self – you probably will be able to get away with showing a little skin -- because people will sense you feel comfortable in your skin.

Oh...and one last point. The TODAY SHOW producer told me that in their man and woman on the street interviews on this subject, some of the women expressed anger at women who show cleavage at the office.

I thought this was interesting -- and in thinking about it, I understand that reaction a bit. I think we business women feel stressed out as it is, trying to make it in what for the most part is still a man’s business world. And I think the business environment gets even more stressful for a woman, when she worries the office reward system includes a beauty pageant bikini contest.

The world of business should be about rewarding a women fairly for talent, productivity and discipline – not by how she looks in a sweater.

The good news: In today's post-Sex In The City World, we women can dress more casually and femininely at the office -- instead of like men-in-drag. The bad news -- some women are out there abusing their cleavage power in hopes of influencing key men with decision making power.

So... if you're a business woman reading this newsletter -- remember -- cleavage IS power – and you must be aware of using your cleavage power responsibly!

The Contagion Theory On Happiness

Have you ever noticed how being around nutsy/negative people can make you feel nutsy/negative?

Psychologists call this “emotional contagion” – and there’s even evolutionary reasons for why someone else’s curmudgeonly ways can infect you.

“The original form is the contagion of fear and alarm,” said Frans de Waal, a psychologist and primate expert at Atlanta’s Emory University. “You’re in a flock of birds. One bird suddenly takes off. You have no time to wait and see what’s going on. You take off, too. Otherwise, you’re lunch.”

Translation: Getting caught up in another’s negativity is a hard-wired survival mechanism.

“I have often noticed how primate groups in their entirety enter a similar mood,” de Waal said. “All of a sudden, all of them are playful, hopping around. Or all of them are grumpy. Or all of them are sleepy and settle down. In such cases, the mood contagion serves the function of synchronizing activities. The individual who doesn’t stay in tune with what everyone is doing will lose out, like the traveler who didn’t go the restroom when the bus stopped.”

Translation: Contagion theory of happiness also explains the powerful energy of “mob mentality” and why there’s a tendency for groups of people in a movie theater or concert to share a similar feeling for the move or concert.

Plus psychologists believe that “the contagion theory of happiness” is yet another form of our hard-wired mimicry we humans do – our instinctive human tendency to unconsciously imitate other people’s facial expressions, vocalizations, postures, and body movements.

For example, if someone scratches their nose, you might suddenly feel your nostrils twitch. Or if someone yawns and stretches and gets sleepy, you might yawn and feel more tired too.

Indeed, mimicry is such a strong foundation of our human emotional development that even at a mere 1-hour old, a newborn infant will be hard-wired to mimic a person's facial gestures.

Hence why you can smile at 1-hour old baby, and this 1-hour old baby will smile back!

Translation: Our built-in human system for mimicry, explains why we humans can transfer our good and bad moods to each other.

Recently The Journal of Applied Psychology offered up a study which showed the downer effects of a downer leader on a group. They took 189 volunteer undergraduates, divided them into 63 groups of 3, and told them they were taking part in a team-building exercise to put up a tent. Then a “leader” was chosen for each team, and shown either of video clip of a “Saturday Night Live” skits or a vignette on torture — to create either a positive/up beat mood or a negative/downer mood.

The result: If a leader was up, the team members’ moods rose. But if the leader was down, everyone became down.

Numerous other studies have also shown how when one person in a romantic coupling gets depressed, the other also becomes more depressed.

Psychologists believe this transfer of emotions is yet another form of empathy.

In London’s University College, psychologist Tonia Singer and colleagues used brain scans to explore empathy in 19 romantic couples. She hooked both individuals to brain scans. One partner in the couple was given a slight electric shock while the other partner watched. Each of their scans showed identical brain reactions. Although only one partner was shocked, both of the partner’s pain center lighted up - as if both had been jolted.

On a more happy note… Howard Friedman, a psychologist at University of California at Irvine thinks “emotional contagion” this is also why some people can move and inspire others to positive action – like a good coach or a powerful preacher – or a joyous/exuberant partner in a romantic coupling.

Friedman believes it’s because the happy person’s happy facial expression, happy voice, happy gestures and happy body movements all together conspire to transmit happy emotions to all those around the happy person!

YOUR ASSIGMENT: Today decide to be a HAPPINESS TRANSMITTER! Choose to be a happier person – and spread happiness around you. And choose to surround yourself more with happy people. With this in mind, think of a happy person you know, and invite them to do something fun with you. And...with this in mind, join my facebook group called “I BET I CAN FIND 1,000,000 HAPPY PEOPLE!”

A friend is someone who stabs you in the front!

Psssst...want to know a big secret for happiness?

Start having less secrets!

The more truthful you become with others about who you really are - and what you need and fear -- the happier you will become!

Laurie Gerber, a coach with the Handel Group, talked with me about how to truth your way to happiness on my Sirius show last week. She explained it like this: "If right now you are not telling someone the truth about a particular something, and you think you're being dishonest to spare their feelings, chances are you're being dishonest with yourself! Most people would rather know the truth. Most people would rather know they have spinach in their teeth - or the equivalent thereof in their life! The real meanness is in not being honest with people."

So, what are people honestly afraid of when they're afraid of speaking truthfully?

TRUE INTIMACY!

When you have gut honest conversations with people, you will always increase your intimacy with them. Sure you risk vulnerability -- but you also gain the opportunity for a closer bond!

"Being fake is not only exhausting behavior to keep up," says Laurie Gerber, "being fake is also lonely. It means nobody will ever get to know the real you!"

Another perk to truth-speaking: When you hear your truth out loud about your own secret behaviors, you wind up wanting to work harder to correct these behaviors which you're not proud of in your life!

Here are some pointers from Laurie Gerber on how to start speaking the truth more today:


1. If you're planning to tell someone the truth about how you feel about their behaviors, start with the premise that your POV is relative. Your truth about them is not necessarily THE truth.

2. If you're planning to open up about a secret part of your life, ask yourself why you've been hiding what you've been hiding. Write about this in a journal freely. It might help you to talk more honestly, if you've had a gut honest conversation with yourself first.

3. In either situation #1 or #2, when you go to have the gut truthful conversation, make sure enough time and full attention has been set aside. Set the context. Before you start blurting, tell the person up front that you want to share your experience or perception of something with them -- to bounce it around and hear their perspective. Tell them that you care about your relationship -- and that's why you are committed to speaking truthfully with them. For example you can say: "I am sorry I have not communicated this until now -- but I want to tell you how I feel about (fill in the blank)." Or.. "When I did (fill in the blank) or you did (fill in the blank) what it meant to me was (fill in the blank)." Or... "I have been hiding from asking you about (fill in the blank) -- or telling you the truth about (fill in the blank) because I am afraid if I bring it up you will think/feel (fill in the blank)."


Now go forth and be truthful today. You'll literally feel very happy that you did!

(You can hear A FREE PODCAST of my conversation with Laurie Gerber on BE HAPPY DAMMIT by clicking here!)

"A single conversation across the table from a wise man is worth a month's study of books." - Old Chinese Proverb

I'm a curious person. I've always enjoyed talking with taxi drivers and strangers on airplanes. One of my big beliefs in life is that you never know where you'll get your life changing insights. Even a jerk can teach you things. In fact... often it's your tormentors - more than your mentors - who teach you those biggie lessons you remember for life.

For example: "Yo! Nothing is ever as good - or as bad - as it first appears!"

Unfortunately both "Part A" and "Part B" of the above got drilled into my neurons far more from my tormentors than my mentors.

The good news... if you stay curious about this curvy, twisty, chaotic thing called life -- and keep your eyes open for insights - they will come from surprising places and unexpected people.

Once I was seated on an airplane next to a man who told me they were passionate about gardening.

"What's a super good gardening tip for me?" I asked curiously (although the only thing I'd ever grown in my life was an occasional onion in my vegetable drawer.)

"My number one gardening tip," said the man, "is to recognize that some plants and flowers are only meant to live a certain amount of time -- for a certain season -- and if you try to make them live longer, you will be a bad gardener."

Wow. What he said rang true for me about a business relationship I was in at the time which I needed to get out of. It was interesting how "the zen of gardening" also applied to "the zen of relationships."

The man went on to add, "Also, different plants have different needs for sunshine and water. Some need very little sunlight - thrive best in darkness - with only a little moisture. Others need a lot of light and feeding. Different plants all have different needs and speeds for growth. You must really know what each individual plant needs - and not treat them all the same."

Again I felt that Wow. This "zen of gardening" also applied to "the zen of relationships." It's always essential to get a pulse on an individuals needs -- read their instruction manuals very carefully!

Because I never know where "zen wisdom" might come from, I'm always open to having conversations with strangers. At parties, I especially love to have conversations with people who at first glance have nothing in common with me.

Your assisgnment:

Become a more curious person. During times of crises, get curious about the lesson to be learned!

During times of boredom in taxis, planes, and trains start a conversation.

You never know. Next time you're waiting in a long movie line, and start talking with the people in front of you -- the conversation you share with these strangers, might turn out to be more exciting and entertaining than the movie you're waiting to see.

Stop Staring at Metaphysical Alligators!

Do you keep threatening to pursue your truest passions – but can't seem to find the time, energy and courage to motivate?

I relate. Truly! I wasn't always a full-time writer. Over a decade ago I was a Sr. Vice President Creative Director in advertising, who was always threatening to quit my high-paying, high-stressing low-free-time job to pursue my passion for writing.

But I was like the girl who cried wolf. Always saying I was gonna quit—but not doing it.

Admittedly there was a huge part of me that was afraid.

Not just about the money angle. I was afraid to let go of a lovely fantasy about a parallel universe in which I existed as "Happy-Go-Lucky Author Girl."

I was afraid to potentially risk giving up this fantasy – in case my fantasy didn't come true.

Chogyam Trungpa wrote: "True fearlessness is not the reduction of fear; but going BEYOND fear…by fear-less we don't mean 'less fear' but 'beyond fear.'"

I knew I needed to get to this beyond-fear place – and here's how I did it.

You know how it's easier to walk a plank that's on solid ground, instead of one that's plunked above an alligator-infested lagoon -- because the fear of those yapping hungry alligators makes you less focused on what you desire?

The same is true with your career. You must avoid staring at your metaphorical-alligators, and instead stay focused on your supporting plank, which in careerland is composed of two strong fibers:

(1)Your confidence -- what you know you have going for you

(2) Your passion -- what know you really want

When I finally did quit my ad career, it was because I finally stopped staring at my metaphorical-alligators – which for me were:

"I'll never be a published book author! Heck, I've never even written one itty bitty magazine piece! Geez, what will I do for income if I fail – afterall, I have a child to support… MYSELF!"

Instead I focused on my supporting plank:

my confidence (in my writing-skills, discipline, persistence, resilience, optimism, meeting people, learning quickly, following-through) and my passion (my excitement to be a writer in a BIGtime way!)

YOUR ASSIGNMENT:

If you're stuck in a job you hate it's probably because you're staring at your metaphorical-alligators. Today re-focus on your supporting plank. Make a list of your areas of high self esteem and reasons for high passion. Whenever fear strikes, strike back with these lists!

Want to whip your career into submission? Clickeroo here...

REGRET is pain RE-LIVED instead of pain RELIEVED!

CONFESSION: There have been many times in my life that I’ve felt like an honorary member of the WHAT WAS I THINKING CLUB.

But instead of spending time regretting, regretting, regretting mistakes… I've always consciously decided to make sure I am getting, getting, getting lucky lessons to be learned.

Basically, I convince myself to view every "failure" as "fullure" - FULL of helpful new insights to be learned.

How about you?

When you feel like you've made a WHAT WAS I THINKING blunder, how much do you torture yourself thereafter?

I'm here today to remind you: Yo! Regret is pain RELIVED, instead of pain RELIEVED. You gotta learn your lesson, then move on!

Which brings me to an Inspiring Quickie Buddhist Tale...

A man was wandering in the desert and got bitten by a poisonous snake. Immediately, he started to regret taking this trip into the desert. He regretted not taking a different route. He regretted not looking down at the ground more as he walked.Meanwhile the helpful antidote formula to cure him of snake- poison bites remained in his knapsack …unused. He became so caught up in his regret that he didn’t have the clear-headedness to take positive action to remedy his problem. Indeed, he was so caught up in his regret, that yet another snake came along -- and so he got bitten twice – doubling the poison in his system. He died. End of story.

THE LESSON TO BE LEARNED: If you’ve recently been bitten by a Big Life Problem, your locus of focus should be 20% thinking about your problem, 80% thinking about your solution.

You must make the choice to become positively proactive, not negatively reactive.

Peacefulness of mind is a bigtime power.

Thinking thoughts about regret, blame, anger, and resentment will only create chaotic static in your head that will stop you from seeing clearly how to move forward productively.

So...today, right now, take inventory of all the events you regret and the people you resent…and consciously decide to forgive and forget -- both yourself and others.

BONUS BENEFIT: When you train your brain to consistently be more loving in its "thought-content," you not only become more focused and productive, you'll find you also wind up attracting more positive people and positive circumstances towards you!

Want more lessons to lessen pain and increase joy? Clickeroo here!

Shut up and meditate!

Did you know Roseanne Barr won The Eleanor Roosevelt Award and The Peabody Award -- and all kinds of humanitarian awards?

I met Roseanne Barr last week when she came on my daily drivetime Sirius radio show,BE HAPPY DAMMIT -- and she warmly shared some interesting happiness tips.

Firstly, Roseanne feels the world creates too many divides between different groups of people -- men vs. women -- white vs. black -- gay vs. straight -- which only creates a sense of further separation from each other as people on this planet.

She also candidly talked about how meditation has personally helped her to stay more focused, calm, happy- and in touch with her core self.

I'm a big believer in meditation -- and so are researchers at U of Penn who found that after assigning folks 1 month of 30 minutes worth of meditation a day, participants had greater improvement in problem-solving and their ability to quickly and accurately move and focus attention.

I often recommend meditation to stressed-out clients. However, many folks claim they're not very good at meditating... and trying to do something they're not good at ironically makes them even more stressed-out.

So here's an easy exercise that will give you the same benefits of meditation: blow up a balloon. It taps into the same breathing and concentration methods as meditation. Simply blow into a balloon with 3 breaths, for a total of 3 seconds. Hold the balloon's little tail, so it doesn't leak out the air. Then, catch your breath in 3 breaths, for a total of about 3 seconds. Return to the balloon, and blow again for three seconds. Repeat until you've blown up the entire balloon. Then go do your work -- and blow away your competition.
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You can hear the full/fun Sirius interview for FREE by clicking here.

Is that green grass...or astroturf?

Do you suffer from WHAT-YOU-SEE-SICKNESS?

Are you always comparing your outsides to other people's outsides – and thereby getting jealous that others might have more than you?

If so, keep in mind:

1. The grass is always greener on the other side – until you get there and find out it's astroturf. Symbols are not reality. Someone might have amassed material success, but this doesn't mean that they are truly happy. And happiness is the holy grail – not material success. So, don't go judging a person's book of their life by their cover. You must read at least 127 pages of "THE BOOK OF WHO SOMEONE REALLY REALLY IS" to know where that person is truly at. (Remember: there are many successful people – aka Marilyn Monroe – who seemed to have had it made, but were coming undone.)

2. You can't have everything in this world. You just have to make sure you have the right something for you. Each of us has our own unique gift – and your gift is not a one-size-fits-all. No one of us is on the same path.

3. Feeling competitive can sidetrack you – as a unique individual – with your own personalized monogrammed long-term goals – from pursuing what you must pursue.

4. Don't compete with others. Compete with yourself. Ask yourself: "How can you improve your skillsets and thereby improve your cockiness – so you can shhhhhusssh your near-sighted-not-very-clear-sighted jealous mind?" Remember: Anything you can do you can do better!

5. Overnight success never happens overnight. But the universe's delays are not the universe's denials. Envision what you want as being stuck on a delivery truck – just a wee bit stuck in traffic – but coming towards you right now - maybe even a week from next Tuesday!

NEW JOBS FOR 2020

In my book BALLSY, I warn up front that the world is constantly changing - so don’t forget to change with it!

If you want to enjoy a career of extreme success, you must always be asking yourself: Due to all the technological and social change out there, are there now new materials, new fears, new problems, new needs, new desires -- all of which are creating new demands for new widgets and new services?

In summary: Your widget or service might be good… but in this speedily shifting world, good has a very, very short expiration date.

But there's some good news behind all this speedy change. Soon the world will be offering up some very exciting career options.

For example, here are 10 new job options for 2020, predicted by futurist Josh Calder, leader of the Global Lifestyles program at Social Technologies LLC, a research and consulting firm.

1. E-scrubber--Works to undo or minimize the indiscretions that people accumulate on the Web.
2. Deceptionist--Provides tech-enabled deception services for those wishing to disguise their activities.
3. Unrealtor--Creates virtual tourism, adventure, and retail destinations.
4. Realizer--Creates real versions of virtual objects for people, from grog tankards to sports cars.
5. Nano-decontaminator--Cleans up nanomaterials now being spread through the environment.
6. Genetic dietician--Creates diets tailored to people's individual genetic makeup.
7. Geoscaper--Makes corporate and private properties look attractive in Google Earth-style aerial views.
8. Eye pilot--Operates small, remotely piloted, camera-equipped aerial vehicles over war zones, disasters, and other locations of interest on behalf of news services, nongovernmental organizations, and private companies.
9. Sexbot controller--Many things can be done remotely. Not for the squeamish.
10. Unplugger--Counselor/mental health professional who helps wean people from excessive technology use.

I find some of what Calder lists to sound a wee bit like science fiction. And some of it to sound like job necessities for 2007. But what all these positions share in common are larger trends for transparency, virtualization, and outsourcing. And if you study his list further, you'll see that most of Calder's job listings involve new ways to manage information -- which is becoming more and more central to more and more careers.

Want to convince people to do and believe in whatever you want?

The above sounds good, huh?

But I got one better.

How would you like to convince triple the people to do and believe in whatever you want?

Brian Clark, creator of copyblogger.com, calls this the difference between being persuasive (good) and being truly influential (very, very, very good).

Brian obviously knows about being influential, because his blog is one of the top 40 in the world, according to Technorati.

Brian shared his tips on becoming a more influential blogger on my morning Sirius show BE HAPPY DAMMIT. I found what he said so spot-on, I wanted to share it in this forum, as well.

Below are my Karenesque speedy cliffnotes from Brian Clark. For the whole enchillado, definitely visit him at copyblogger.com.

QUICKY CLIFFNOTES FROM COPYBLOGGER.COM ON HOW TO CONVINCE TRIPLE THE PEOPLE TO DO AND BELIEVE IN WHATEVER YOU WANT:

1. Repetition

Brian warns that there’s both a good and evil side to repetition. To stay on the side of good, make your point in several ways. For example -- use an example. Or offer up a quote from a famous person. And repeat again in your grand finale summary.

2. Reasons Why

Brian reminds how we humans don’t like to be told things or asked to take action without a reasonable explanation.

3. Consistency

Brian reminds consistency implies high integrity. The lack of it infers instability and flightiness. So get your reader to agree with you up front about something simple, then keep making a strong and varied case.

4. Social Proof

Humans love to witness as many others hopping on the bandwagon before they go a-hopping. Hence testimonials and outside referrals work.

5. Comparisons

Metaphors, similes and analogies are according to Brian the influential blogger’s best friends.

6. Agitate and Solve

First, identify the problem. Then agitate the reader’s pain before offering your solution. Brian explains this is not about being sadistic - but empathic. Let the reader know you “get” them.

7. Prognosticate

Offer your reader a glimpse into their new, improved future if they go bandwagon a-hopping with you.

8. Go Tribal

Give someone a chance to be a part of a “cool” group — be that wealthy, hip, green, or even contrarian—and they’ll go bandwagon a-hopping!

9. Address Objections

Brian admits addressing every objection is tough. But your biggest arguments should be obvious. He also warns that if you think there are no objections, you’re in for a shock if your blog’s comments enabled.

10. Storytelling

Stories allow people to persuade themselves -- and that’s what it’s really all about.

Kids Shock MTV Researchers With The Bizarre Things Which Make them Happy! (For Example, Parents Are Actually Cool!)

MTV hired Andy Hines of Social Technologies to research what makes US youth (age 12–24) happy.

Last week I interviewed Andy on my daily drivetime Sirius show BE HAPPY DAMMIT, and Andy admitted he was shocked by some of what was revealed.

In particular Andy predicted today's MTV generation would be more annoyed with their “helicopter parents” than they actually wound up being.

Here are some of his surprising stats:

78% of today's kids say that talking with family members made them feel frequently or occasionally happier.

73% of kids say that their relationship with their parents makes them happy.

80% of those who say they are “very happy” with their parents say they are also happier with life in general.

Nearly half of the respondents say at least one of their parents is a hero.

73% say that their parents are involved in their lives about the right amount.

Shocking, huh -- how today's youth -- who seem so overly concerned with being cool -- and also seem like cynicism is uber-cool -- would then fess up how spending time with family is a cool thing to do...!

"Hardly the stuff of rebels!" admits Andy.

Indeed, kids today seem to adore their parents so much, they also fess up to looking forward to getting married - and are even optimistic about marriage.

90% say they think it is likely that they will be married to the same person their whole life.

85% say they believe getting married will make them happy.

Other than family, Hines says the 3 other big happiness boosters were friendship, faith, and technology.

Which brings me to another surprising stat: kids "chill out" differently than adults.

I fess up that I find it relaxing to turn off my damn cellphone for a few hours.

Not so with kids.

For them a popular definition of "unhappiness" is "being without technology" -- with 46% of today's kids saying that they NEVER turn off their cell phone when they choose to chill out -- that would only stress them out MORE.

For more on this research study listen to the interview on my posted podcast.

Want to make a special tween in your life happy? Check out my tween empowerment book, GIRL WONDERS.

Appreciate Your Backyard Diamond People!

There's a huge trend these days for networking up a storm. And with this cultural encouragement to amass more people in your life -- you can a-miss the whole point of amassing.

In other words, the original goal of networking is: "Meet people who will make your life a happier and more fulfilling place."

However…if you’re always spending time amassing new people and creating a quantity of non-quality relationships, it can ironically mean you're not taking the necessary time to enjoy the happiness and fulfillment readily found with the treasured people you already know and love.

Think about it.

Do you have have a network of truly amazing people whom you never get to see – because you’re putting too much emphasis on networking to meet a quantity of people?

Are you caught up in signing up for the slew of popular social networking sites -- which are all about "collecting a quantity of people"?

If so you might be suspect for being too caught up in this mass trend for amassing people!

And if so, you're a sufferer of what Nobel Prize winner Daniel Kahneman calls "The Happiness Hedonic Treadmill" – which is fancy shmancy words for how we humans have a tendency to always want more, more, MORE! And as soon as we humans snag a precious something, we’re quickly reaching for another prized out-of-reach something – and no longer appreciative of the just-snagged something, laying in a discarded heap at our feet.

This Happiness Hedonic Treadmill is why lottery winners often return to their former levels of happiness within a year of snagging their gazillions.

And it’s why you might not be feeling so happy right now in your life.

Perhaps you’re being too focused on all those distant dangling carrots on the horizon, rather than appreciating the carrots you’ve harvested -- and in particular appreciating all those Acres of Diamonds People you've already amassed in your own backyard.

Keep in mind: Consistently happiness researchers report that being surrounded by people you sincerely care about is the top essential determinant for joy! Hence it's important to make sure you're not spending more time networking with strangers and creating superficial relationships, than you are enjoying your Backyard Diamonds People! Ignore your treasured relationships for too long and they will eventually turn to cold coal!

YOUR ASSIGNMENT:

Today decide to shed more of a light of appreciation on your treasured Backyard People Diamonds. Look through your contact book. Remember what you love about each individual, then write them or call them to share your admiration directly. Do it now. Seize the day, dammit.

And you know what? Don’t just do it today. Also do it tomorrow.

It’s not enough just to seize the-every-other-day. Or to seize-the-every-third-day. Seize your every single solitary day – and make sure you're not spending your days solitarily in a crowded room networking and amassing superficial relationships!

Making ripples..

My father, Rubin Salmansohn, passed this morning at 8:55 am.

So much to feel, so much to say, where do I begin?

How about with an old proverb I once shared with my father: "Everything that is not given, is lost."

I sent this proverb to my father back in 1996. It topped a few extra paragraphs -- all filling a page torn from a book who's name I no longer remember.

My father saved this book's page clipping in its post-marked envelope. My mother returned it to me recently, and it seemed fitting to quote this clipping now, at his passing -- since its message is so invaluable for how we should all be leading our lives.

THE CLIPPING I SENT MY FATHER IN 1996...

"Everything that is not given, is lost."

Read those words again - and really take them in.

"Everything that is not given is lost."

This is a potent wake-up call.

Because we are mortal, every talent, skill, ability we possess, every thought and feeling we ever have, every beautiful sight we ever see, every material possession we own, will ultimately be lost.

UNLESS WE SHARE IT.

Unless we give what we have to others - to our spouse, our children, our friends, our neighbors - to the strangers we encounter on our path - what we know and value will be irrevocably and utterly gone.

BUT...

If we give freely of our minds, hearts, spirits - who we are - then what matters most to us will never die - but will live forever in the psyches of not only all those who know us - but everyone who encounters them - and then everyone who encounters those who knew them - in an infinite regression of mysteriously unseen effect.

That's why the metaphor of the a pebble in a pond is so potent.

We toss the pebble of our soul into the pond of life and ripples are created.

If we hoard ourselves - our gifts, our talents, our love, our thoughts, our feelings, our insights, our words - we will make a very little splash and the ripples will soon end.

But if we give fully, with abandon and abundance, the ripples go out infinitely, overlapping and intermingling with other souls.

Viewed this way...what kind of ripple do you want to be?

Want to lose weight? Absolutely DON'T go on a diet!

I have a wait problem. I hate to wait. When I want something, I want it NOW.

My wait problem also applies to my need to lose weight problem.

When I want to lose weight, I want to lose it NOW.

But how?

I've discovered a method which speedily quickens up results -- and I'd love to share it with you!

I've created A NEW VOCABULARY MENU -- where I have changed the words I allow to enter and exit my mouth. In other words...I'm now firstly on a special Word Diet – beginning with banning the word “diet” -- because if you really want to get slim and healthier, you're not “on” a diet -- which implies going "off" the diet at some point. In fact, the word diet has a lot of negative associations. I hear that word and think: "LOTS OF PAIN AHEAD!"

So I renamed the healthier eating I'm doing as “DO IT PROGRAM" -- not a diet program -- because I'm really “doing it” -- and this new vocabulary feels more fun and inspiring!

Another word on MY NEW VOCABULARY MENU: “APPRECI-EAT.” This word is all about slowing down the eating and thereby tasting food more – so you’ll want to eat less. Studies show that if you eat more slowly, you allow your body the needed time to signal to your brain that you are full -- which is usually 20 minutes. So I no longer eat meals and snacks - I appreciEAT them!

More words on MY NEW VOCABULARY MENU: “F0RWARD” and “BACKWARD.” Every food one chooses to eat either moves you forward to your dream weight - or backwards to gaining more weight. So when I look at a food I ask myself: "Is this a forward food - or a backward food?"

More words from MY NEW VOCABULARY MENU: “THE OLD ME" and “THE NEW ME.” All your actions come from your identity. If you think: “I always overeat late at night.” Guess what? You do. If you think: “I’m the type of person who can resist chocolate -- the new me is great at resisting it -- the new me eats forward foods -- the old me ate backward foods!" Guess what? The new you will be very much going forwards to fab – instead of backwards to flab!

Another word on MY NEW VOCABULARY MENU: "WALLPOWER!" To hell with ordinary mere mortal willpower. When you have WALLPOWER, nothing will be able to break through your wall of commitment!

A new sentence on MY NEW VOCABULARY MENU: "INCREASING MY APPETITE FOR LIFE." If you want to be a slim, healthy person it's essential you swap the pleasure of food with life’s multitudinous other delights.

FACT: If you're presently overweight, it's because you're not being hungry enough about pursuing life’s other abundant pleasures – and are seeing mostly the pleasure of food.

FACT: If you want to lose weight you must make sure your appetite for life is far bigger than your appetite for mere food.

So… swap chips and salsa for salsa class! Stop eating! Start painting! Recognize the joy of taking photos lasts longer than the joy of ice cream!

Want to be your healthiest, slimmest self now, dammit? Read ENOUGH DAMMIT! Start by clicking here now!

Going through a challenging time? Spend time with your hive!

According to my favorite philosopher buddy, Ari (otherwise known as Aristotle ), we humans are biologically social animals. Our first nature is to be around people.

However if you're going through a challenging time (aka: a break up, a work rejection, a money problem, a trauma, a difficult illness, the passing of a loved one) often being around people feels much more like a 2,841st nature.

You gotta fight this urge to hide away.

In my new BOUNCE BACK BOOK (which you can find out more about here) I share research which shows it’s far more healthful to be around people.

Dr. Dina Carbonell, a research associate at Simmons College, studied the secrets of people who successfully bounced back from hard times. She tracked 400 people for 25 years, from ages 5 to 30, studying the main characteristics of those who did best in difficult circumstances.

Her findings?

“Resilient people identify those who are available, trustworthy and helpful. Then they go towards this light,” says Dr. Carbonell.

In psychologist Professor Ed Diener’s research he’s found that close relationships actually influence overall joy far more than income! And good strong friendships can even ward off germs – by lowering stress, and improving your immune system.

A Bingingham University study dittos these findings -- reporting people who claim to have 5 or more friends with whom they can discuss important problems, are 60% more likely to say that they are “very happy.”

According to Dr. John Haidt the urge for humans to seek the sweetness of other people is just as natural and strong as bees who migrate towards a honey hive. Haidt believes we humans, just like bees, feel the most comfortable and thriving when we are members of a larger hive. Hence why many folks feel so unsettled and lost when alone too often, without the comfort of others.

So if you want to feel at the top of your game, it’s essential to spend time buzzing around with supportive people!

Your Assignment:

Make sure you are playing the right amount of hide and seek! Figure out who your sweet hive people might be. Make a list of all the people you consider close friends. Now ask yourself: Who is 100% rooting for you to live your happiest life – and not competing or jealous? Who do you always feel happier after visiting – not more depressed? These are your your supportive hive people. Go towards these hive people often! Let them know how much you appreciate them often -- and your hive will further thrive!

Remember: One of the indirectly good things about going through bad times – it can bring you closer to others, bonding you in a truly emotionally, meaningful way!

The Paradoxical Commandments

1. People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.

2. If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.

3. If you are successful, you win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.

4. The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.

5. Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.

6. The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.
Think big anyway.

7. People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.
Fight for a few underdogs anyway.

8. What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.

9. People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
Help people anyway.

10. Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you have anyway.

I just discovered the above Paradoxical Commandments by Dr. Kent Keith in researching for my BOUNCE BACK BOOK. I've invited the author to come on my Sirius show BE HAPPY DAMMIT -- and will definitely let you know when that will be.

If you have your favorite quotes which keep you inspired during challenging times, please share them below!

If you want to get into tremendous shape, you need to use the power of your mind, not just the power of your body.

As many of you know my trainer's Josh Margolis, who runs MIND OVER MATTER, with an interesting philosophy. Josh sent me the following -- and I found it so inspiring, I wanted to share it.

JOSH MARGOLIS SPEAKS:

Before you set out on that journey known as exercise, you must firstly recgonize that it is a journey -- not a destination. Secondly you must know WHY you are going on this journey! WHY are you waking up earlier to work out? WHY are you caring about pushing yourself past your comfort zone? WHY are you making this a commitment?

You have to be up front, honest and accountable with yourself BEFORE you begin this journey! After all, if you are not completely on board with your WHY, you won't have as much motivation to succeed.

Yes, if you want to get into tremendous shape, you need to use the power of your mind, not just the power of your body.

After all, there will be plenty of time along the journey when you will find yourself exhausted, busy, overwhelmed with other things to do -- and you will find yourself questioning: WHY do I need to take the time to work out? WHY is working out so important?

With your WHY in place, you'll be more willing too make those needed sacrifices and put in that extra effort.

So before you begin your journey, TODAY take that time to find your WHY.

I promise that when the time comes that you feel ready to give up -- as it will -- you will simply refer back to your WHY, and will find it much easier to keep your drive alive!

Girl talk vs Guy Talk! Is there a Difference?

Psssst... Wanna know who gossips more – girls or guys?

According to a recent research study of cellphone users (performed by the Social Issues Research Centre) men are the bigger gossipers!

Yes…spread the word!

33 % of men confessed to gossip every day - or almost every day -- compared with a lesser 26 % of women.

For the record, the study defined gossip as "chatty talk among friends" and "the process of informally communicating value-laden information about members of a social setting."

Yup – that counts as gossip to me!

And for those of you who stubbornly can't believers that guys love to dish as much - if not more than - the ladies – there were also 3 other recent studies – one at the University of Virginia, one at Northeastern University in Boston, and one at University of Wisconsin – which all confirmed gossip is pretty much a gender-neutral urge!

So here’s more gossip about gossip:

1. 2/3 rds of all cell conversations were reported to be a form of gossip – everything from who is doing what with whom; who is 'in' and who is 'out' and why; how to deal with difficult social situations; problems with lovers, family, friends, colleagues and neighbors.

2. Women were more likely than men to gossip mainly with family and girlfriends.

3. Men dished mostly with work colleagues, their spouse/partner, or female friends.

4. Men revealed they found it easier to gossip with women than men.

5. Male and female gossip has been shown to sound different. Women use more animated tones, more detail and prefer more interactive feedback.

6. Only about 5% of gossip-time is devoted to criticism.

7. Another 5 % is devoted to asking for or giving advice on difficult personal social situations.

8. The other 90% of gossip is focused on 'who is doing what with whom'

9. In daily conversation, males only discussed high-brow' important' subjects (aka: politics, work, art, academic matters, etc.) only 0-5 % of the time. However, when women were present,this number upped to 15-20%! Researchers proposed men went more
high-brow around the ladies to impress the ladies!

9. Men spent more time talking about themselves – with 2/3rds of talk being about themselves and their own affairs. Meanwhile women talked about themselves only 1/3rd of the time!

Why do we gossip?

According to psychologist Robin Dunbar we’re evolutionary hard- wired for it. Gossip is the human equivalent of the 'social grooming' seen among our primate cousins -- where they pick out nits and twigs from each other’s fur, to bond and feel close.

Hmmm…. think about that phrase “to keep in touch”! It sorta sounds like the definition of animals' Nit-n-Twig Plucking, doesn’t it?

Here’s another theory on gossip. According to psychologist Geoffrey Miller, gossip evolved as a helpful courtship device – as the human equivalent of a peacock tail. Basically, gossip is what we humans use to compete for and attract sexual partners, because it’s how we 'advertise' or 'self-promote' our social status, values, and intelligence. Gossip is our Great Do I Bond Or Not Bond Determinator! It's what reveals which behaviors you and other people find acceptable -- or unacceptable -- and thereby if you find your gossiper or gossipee acceptable or unacceptable for further socialization purposes!

With this in mind, if you want to become a far more popular member of any group (aka your office, an organization, a local community) just start to listen more carefully to this group’s critical gossip. You’ll quickly discover people’s boundaries and rules -- and thereby know what to do -- or not do -- to make sure you're a welcomed member of this group!

And gossip has even been shown to improve health! Just as ‘social grooming’ between primates stimulates endorphins, making animals more relaxed – the 'vocal grooming' we call gossip also been researched to relax humans, and lower blood pressure.

It’s sort of funny when you think about the odd evolution of gossip since its stone age origins.

In the last few decades, with modern, busy urban life the way it is, scattering families and friends, and busying people up with far too much to do, there’s been a veritable epidemic of social isolation – with little time to indulge in this vocal-grooming called gossip.

Sure, for a while we had the the cosiness of gossip over the garden fence. As well as those satisfying quickie hits of 'Hello, nice day isn't it?' as we passed our friends and family in the local village.

But as modern world speeded us up and separated us apart, for a long while even those simple and comforting friendly 'Hello, nice day isn't it?' had fallen by the way side.

Now…enter the space-age technology of mobile cellphones… and finally we’re back once again to enjoying our daily “vocal- grooming” patterns -- with the same ease and frequency of “constant touch” not shared together since stone-age times!

Thank you, modern cell phone, for helping to scratch our stone age itch once again!

can you raed tihs? i cdnolt blveiee taht i cluod auclaclty uesdntnrd waht i was rdanieg.

the pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. the rset cn be a taotl mses and you can siltl raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and i awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!if yuo can raed tihs psas tihs bolg on.

The above is from a terrific book I am reading by Madeleine L. Van Hecke, PhD. called BLIND SPOTS:WHY SMART PEOPLE DO DUMB THINGS.

Dr. Van Hecke explains that for the very same reasons you can read this gobbly-gook above -- you are also destined to do dumb things sometimes.

Basically...as an adult your brain is now filled up with lots of beliefs on how things should be -- in the same way you have a sense of how words should be. The problem: some of your beliefs are totally incorrect -- or very much correct -- but stubbornly single-minded.

As a result, when you look at an event, problem, new person, you will often fill in the open gaps of missing info with just plain dumb conclusions.

You know when you say: "WHAT WAS I THINKING?" Or..."HOW DUMB OF ME?!"

Those were all because you were diong waht the tset abvoe shwoed you hvea a tnendnecy to do -- flling in blnkas wthi wrnog infrmomatoin!

"Blind spots" are why bank robbers have been known to write stick-up notes on the back of their very own check-book receipts. Or... why you might initially think "Chateaubriand" is a new wine -- or yell at someone in public for their demeaning behavior -- thus doing the very behavior you're trying to correct.

The good news: Dr. Van Hecke argues that you're not actually always stupid when you do or think stupid things -- you're just experiencing a "blind spot" moment -- due to your projected thinking getting in the damn way.

Luckily, there are specific techniques to increase your range of vision -- beginning with developing stronger BEGINNER'S MIND.

In Buddhism "BEGINNERS MIND" is described as the pure lens with which someone who is absolutely new to a situation can see the world -- with full clarity.

There's a famous Buddhist quote: "In the beginner's mind there are many possibilties. In the expert's mind there are few."

Children unwittingly have BEGINNER'S MIND -- hence why kids are often smarter than adults at problem-solving puzzles.

If you'd like to learn a dozen helpful specific techniques to aid you having less "blind spot" moments -- please join me and the good doctor on my Sirius radio show BE HAPPY DAMMIT on August 20th, 8am to 9am EST - on Lime 114.

Feel free to call in to confess your most silly "WHAT WAS I THINKING?" moments -- and get advice from Dr. Van Hecke on curing your particular blind spots.

If yuo dnto wnat to lsiten thtsa oaky. Jsut konw bilnd sopts mghit stirke wehn laest epxecetd!

Break ups are tough - even JOB BREAK UPS!

And it’s just as hard for the breaker-upper boss as it is for the break-uppee employee.

With this in mind, Nancy Mindes, a NYC career coach (who calls herself a “Chief Audaciousness Officer”) offers up some bold practices for bosses to keep in mind to better prevent difficult job break ups from happening.

1. Create a detailed job description – or you’ll wind up with someone who lacks the key strengths you need.

2. Never hire someone quickly from a place of panic - just to get a body in the office. Remember: once you bring in the wrong person, it's very difficult to get them out.

3. Take the time to call past employers and google the potential employee. You won't regret it.

4. Delegate with very detailed direction – or you’ll wind up with missed deadlines and lousy results. Sometimes a “bad employee” is the result of bad instructions.

5. Do not give people too much autonomy – or you’ll wind up not knowing what's going on with your business – and might not find out until there’s a huge problem!

6. Do not under-delegate either – or you’ll take on too much yourself – and won’t be able to focus on what you do best.

7. If after you’ve hired a person, red flags are a-waving (sloppy deliverables, bad communication, attitude, lateness, etc) discuss the issues right away. Be direct. Give them a chance to improve. But remember: Some people’s problems will never go away – and keeping this employee around might cost you time, money, and business relationships!

8. In four words: HIRE SLOWLY. FIRE QUICKLY.

IMPORTANT TIME CHANGE ALERT!!

NOTE: The following TIME CHANGE ALERT applies to YOU.... whether you live in the East Coast or the West Coast...South Africa or Eastern Europe.

This is a TIME CHANGE ALERT that could save your life -- by making sure it's your best life.

This is a TIME CHANGE ALERT to remind you to live in the NOW.

Are you living in the NOW?

Studies have repeatedly shown that NOW is the best time of day to start that healthier diet, improve your love relationship, change your life for the absolute better!

Yes all of us humans, no matter what country we are in, live our happiest lives in he same time zone...THE TIME ZONE OF NOW.

Today be sure to set your awareness to the NOW.

Live NOW. Procrastinate LATER.

Ballsiness = Happiness

This morning I was driving to work with my boyfriend, when to the right of our car, we saw a Drake's Delivery Truck, painted with images of dancing pastries - including the infamous Drake's Coffee Cake.

My boyfriend holds up his coffee-to-go cup, and challenges, "Hey, Karen, why don't you ask the driver for a Drake's coffee cake for our coffees?"

Since I literally wrote the book on "Ballsy" I decide to do just that.

I roll down my window -- get the truck driver's attention -- point to my coffee-to-go cup, and shout, "Hey! Can you spare two coffee cakes for our coffees in here?"

The driver smiles and nods affirmatively.

He reaches over to his right, retrieves 2 coffee cakes, and defenestrates them at us.

(PERSONAL SIDE NOTE: Wow. I'm so happy I finally got to use that word "defenestrate" in my writing. I remember memorizing this word waaaay back when studying for my S.A.T.'s - and reading this recommended vocab word meant "to throw through a window." Immediately I wondered, "When the heck am I ever going to use THAT bizarre word?" Cut to 20 odd years later, on an odd morning...and voila: "Coffee Cake Defenestration occurs!)

With our coffee cakes in one hand, my beau and I wave a large appreciation "thanks" to the driver with our other free hands.

The driver beamed merrily.

Indeed all around us -- everyone in cars within a nearby Coffee Cake Defenestration radius was smiling joyously.

In talking about this a bit with my boyfriend, I realized that ballsy actions tend to create happy emotions.

When you risk and do things outside your norm, you tend to feel more alive -- more liberated - and this leads to more happiness in general.

If I look back at the aftermath of the many ballsy things I've done -- in my career -- and dating life -- I can absolutely remember feeling that adrenaline rush of glee coursing through my veins each time.

But this success formula is NOT simply a one-way thing where...

Ballsiness = Happiness

It also goes the other way around....

Happiness = Ballsiness

For example, this morning I was already in a happy state of mind driving to work with my beau -- which got me feeling feisty, frisky -- ballsy!

And if I look back at my state of mind BEFORE I did the various ballsy actions in my life, I also remember being in a happy/feisty/frisky mood.

The life lesson here?

The happier you are -- the ballsier you will be.

Indeed...in my career coaching I'm always recommending people try to do what they can to be overall happy people FIRST AND FOREMOST, if they want to score extreme success.

I say: Money doesn't bring you happiness. But happiness brings you money.

The happier you are, the more energy you have to jump over obstacles -- and the more ballsiness you have to take those leaps.

With this in mind, here's an important CAREER TIP FROM MY BOOK BALLSY:

"Consciously focus on the FUN - and NOT the fear!" Today...if you ARE feeling afraid to make a risky move, rile yourself into a fun frame of mind first. Force yourself to focus on the FUN of the action -- and NOT the fear of the action -- and do that ballsy thing you know you want to do! You'll literally be HAPPY you did!

"I wish I could figure out how to talk with my dad....."

"I wish I could figure out how to talk with my dad.You know in one of my animal books I read that all animals have this primal need to talk. Even those you don't think talk, do talk. Even earthworms talk... although not really well. Whales even bother to strike up conversations as far as 700 miles away! Biologists don't know what whales could find so important to say. Biologists guess they simply have a primal need to say: 'Yo! Whale here! Whale here!' Which is how I often feel with my dad. 'Yo! Daughter here! Daughter here!'"

The above quote is from my NEW tween fiction book...just out this week...called GIRL WONDERS, an empowering and inspiring book for girls 8 to 13.

I'm proud to announce that the reviews for my tween writing have been... well... terrific:

"Salmansohn is not afraid of challenging her audience and carries it off. This title is bound to please the pre-adolescent set." — School Library Journal

"Salmansohn makes her children's book debut and deftly finds satisfying - and credible - solutions to all concerns plaguing her plucky heroine." — Publisher's Weekly

"Some essential questions of adolescence have been examined here in smart, funny, unexpected ways." — ForeWord Magazine

I had a lot of fun writing this book, and sneaking in helpful insights written in playful language.

If you have a special little girl in your life, age 8 to 13, let her know about GIRL WONDERS today!

A DEEP, PHILOSOPHICAL LOVE LESSON TO BE LEARNED FROM BRAD PITT AND ANGELINA JOLIE!

Coming up this Monday morning, June 25th, on my Sirius Radio Show BE HAPPY DAMMIT, I will be talking with Joey Bartolomeo, an US MAGAZINE scribe, about deep, celebrity love lessons we can learn from our favorite celeb couples.

For example...

There's been a ton of press lately about Brad and Angie's relationship being in trouble because the couple is spending so much time apart.

BUT... I believe the media pegging Brad and Angelina with one name "Bradgelina" was far more of a RED FLAG than the fact the two can now be pegged with two names once again.

In a healthy couplehood each member needs to have their own individualistic identity ...with their own purpose, meaning, and passions. Healthy, happy couples need to spend some time apart ...so they can re-charge and re-appreciate each other.

Indeed, rather than their infamous mono-identity name "Bradgelina" being a sign of adorable "romantic courting"... I view it more as potentially "courting disaster."

Plus, Brad and Angie are still relatively new to having "so many kids, so many movie deals."

They're presently simply choosing to prioritize having at least one parent with kids at all times ... rather than two parents together canoodling -- while a nanny caretakes the kids.

The good news for Brad and Angelina: They're not "Nanny-a-holics." They adopted kids - and had a kid - clearly because they adore kids -- and take parenting very seriously.

I also believe that just as a couple goes through that "uber-commingling" time called "the honeymoon period"... so also do new parents. This time period in which Brad and Angelina are "uber-commingling with their kids" is in a way their "honeymoon parenting phase."

My guess: The two simply need to work it so their work schedules are more "geographically desirable" for each other.

What are YOUR thoughts? Have a Deep Celeb Love Lesson opinion to share on a particular dynamic duo? Call me and Joey Bartolomeo, an US MAGAZINE scribe, LIVE Monday morning at the studio at 866 LIME 114!

ARE YOU HOLDING A WINNING HAND OF CARDS...OR A LOSING HAND OF CARDS?

You know that old aphorism: "It's WHO you know."

FALSE!

Extreme success is NOT about who you know!

It's about how INTIMATELY you know them!

A pile of business cards will do nothing for your career -
unless you know how to really connect with people in an authentic way which leads to growth for your business!

On June 29th at 8am - 9am, EST, Keith Ferrazzi, best selling author of the famed networking bible, NEVER EAT ALONE, will be offering you the opportunity to get his one-on-one relationship-building advice - LIVE - on my Sirius radio show, Be Happy Dammit.

Yes I'm opening up the phonelines to you - so you can talk with Keith Ferrazzi - one of the top business coaches and consultants in the world.

Just call my studio at 866 LIME 114 between 8am and 9am EST on June 29th - and Keith Ferrazzi will be taking your questions and giving you tailored advice on how to deepen your business relationships to achieve greater success!

Some business myths we'll be discussing - and debunking:

TRUE OR FALSE?

Relying on other people means you're weak.

FALSE!

Rugged individualism doesn't work in the business world! If you want to truly excel, you cannot do it alone.

TRUE OR FALSE?

It's good to be vulnerable in business - wear your heart on your business shirt sleeve.

TRUE!

It's ESSENTIAL to open up and be vulnerable around people – so you can truly connect and create a deeper business bond.

You may wonder: "Hey, what about the subsequent risk of people hurting me?"

Keith and I have different views on this - and I'm sure you do, too!

So listen in - and CALL in at 866 LIME 114!

TRUE OR FALSE?

If you're generous with others in business, helping everyone in their careers, they will walk all over you.

FALSE!

If you want to be successful, try making others successful!

Disagree? Call us and tell us why at 866 LIME 114.

REMEMBER: On June 29th DON'T EAT BREAKFAST ALONE! Join NEVER EAT ALONE author Keith Ferrazzi in an eye-opening, career-morphing discussion - and learn effective techniques which will absolutely help you reach your career goals sooner!

DATE: JUNE 29TH

TIME: 8AM - 9AM EST - that's East Coast time!

PLACE: Be Happy Dammit Sirius radio, on Lime Channel 114

STUDIO#: 866 LIME 114

WRITE IN YOUR CALENDARS TODAY!

WARNING: Obstacles to joy appear larger than they truly are during crisis!

ANNOUNCING A NEW SEMINAR!

THE BOUNCE BACK SEMINAR!

Monday, June 18th at 7pm at THE SOHO HOUSE in NYC!

A bad breakup. A serious illness. The loss of a job. The death of a parent. Life has a habit of throwing people curveballs.

To which I say: "When life throws you curveballs, hit them out of the park!"

My newest Bounce Back Seminar is jampacked with an inspiring collection of top resilience tips from happiness research, psychological studies, Greek philosophy, nutrition and exercise experts, and more!

So if you're presently trying to overcome a challenge - absolutely come to my inspiring Bounce Back Seminar -- and learn all the latest research tips on how to bounce back happier, stronger, better than ever before!

WHEN: June 18th at 7pm

WHERE: The Soho House, 9th Ave. between 13th and 14th St.

FEE: $35.00 by paypal at my site $45.00 at the door

BONUS: 1 FREE WEEK AT YOGAWORKS, FIZZY LIZZIE BEVERAGE, CHOCOLATE FRETZELS (yum, yum!), SEPHORA FREEBIES,2 BELLES LINGERIE, and PERVARTISTRY GAMES!

PLUS A RAFFLE: Win all kinds of goodies like a FREE TRAINING SESSION with my amazing personal trainer, Josh Margolis, who owns/runs NYC'S acclaimed MIND OVER MATTER (Pssst...if you're looking for a trainer...Joshua Margolis is fab! He's got a Bachelors Degree in Sports Psychology. He holds certifications from A.C.E., A.I.F.E., and N.A.S.M, and is also prenatal and postpartum fitness certified. Joshua has been working in the health and fitness arena for over 5 years designing personalized fitness programs which incorporate motivational techniques to enhance performance. His fitness philosophy: "Your self image and habits go hand in hand; change one and you will automatically change the other.")

QUICKIE GOOD NEWS: One of my research studies reports that bad events happily come with a bad memory. Post-bad-times not only do most people rebound back to their average happiness level - but often bounce back to even higher-than-usual good moods! Psychologists believe this bounce back up-up-upper affect is due to people re- appreciating all the good they have in their life.

ASAP Bounce Back Assignment: Write a Gratitude List. Who do you love? What do you love? Pay more attention to these people and things, and you'll be on your way to jumpstarting happiness ASAP.

RSVP NOW THRU PAY PAL BY CLICKING HERE AND LOOKING IN THE LEFT HAND COLUMN!

THE LAWS OF BUSINESS ATTRACTION

In business, I believe the more people you know, the luckier you will be.

For this reason, it’s important to regularly go to conferences, join organizations, be active in various sports, go to parties.

The biggest job breaks often get started outside the office.

And because I want to make sure you get it right when you meet Mr. or Ms. Huge Business Opportunity, I asked my friend Gretchen Rubin, who's the creator of the happiness-project.com, to share with me on my Sirius/Lime radio show her top tips on making a good first impression. Here are the cliff notes on what she told me:

Studies show people tend to give more weight to what happens at the start of a conversation -- than to later information shared. So be your most charming at the onset. Use your best material first!

Focus on positive commentary. Keep in mind Neural Linguistic studies show that the adjectives you use in conversation often get subconsciously associated with you. So if you describe someone else as “brilliant, warm, generous,” your listener will associate you with these same qualities.

If standing, keep your body fully facing the other person. If possible, face your heart zone opposite their heart zone. Turning partly away shows a lack of commitment to the conversation.

Avoid “eye stray.”

Quickly seek out common experiences or shared interests.

Don’t just ask questions -- follow up on people’s remarks

Focus on opinions and feelings -- not just facts.

Don’t be single-word minded. Avoid questions which can be answered with a single word. Don’t answer with a single word.

Avoid conversation interruptus. Let people finish their thoughts.

Sprinkle your conversation with revealed vulnerabilities.

Put energy in your voice and animation in your expression.

People are especially attracted to people who smile a lot. So flash those pearly whites.

Fran Leibowitz joked, “The opposite of talking isn’t listening. It’s waiting.” Prove Fran wrong. Actively listen. Remember: it’s more important to be interested - than interesting.

Quick: Why do you want to make lots of money?

Your most-likely answer: to be happy, dammit!

But does more money really lead to more happiness?

"Standard of living has increased dramatically and happiness has increased not at all, and in some cases has diminished slightly," says Professor Daniel Kahneman of the University of Princeton.

Interestingly... Bhutan, a remote Himalayan kingdom, has consistently remained one of the happier places in our world – even though it is not close to being one of the richest.

Their secret?

Their government creates policies based on Gross National Happiness.

This includes:

1.Banning advertising – because the science of happiness shows advertising is a major cause of unhappiness – creating envy by making people feel “less well-off.”

2.Pushing for more exercise and healthier eating. In fact the Bhutan government actually discourages junk food – along with cigarettes and alcohol – recognizing the healthier the body, the happier the mind!

The idea that politics should be about creating "the greatest happiness of the greatest number" is actually not new. It goes back to Jeremy Bentham, an 18th century philosopher, who tried to get politicians to create policies which upped citizen’s general happiness levels.

Recently Bentham’s ideas have been dusted off and revisited in Britain, where the Prime Minister's Strategy Unit held a "Life Satisfaction" seminar and considered the following concepts:

1.creating a happiness index

2.teaching people about happiness

3.encouraging more support for volunteering

4.creating a "more leisured work-life balance"

5.creating higher taxes for the rich – so there’d be less of a division between the very rich and very poor -- and thereby less envy and its accompanying depression affects.

Britain’s Richard Layard, author of HAPPINESS: LESSONS FOR A NEW SCIENCE, is also actively pushing the government to immediately employ another 10,000 therapists – so as to increase the happiness of citizens!

With all this in mind, I want you to stop overly-focusing on how much money you’re making, and re-focus on how much happiness you’re making!

MY BETTER THAN CASH IN THE BANK LIST OF THINGS TO CASH IN ON:

1.Avoid poison envy. Consistently studies show comparison kills happiness. Consciously re-focus on what you have. Try to end your day with "A 3 Blessings List" - recognizing three things which went well - and why!

2.Spend loving time with friends and family – for both more happiness and more health! Get this: Studies show friendship wards off germs! Just as stress triggers ill health, the greater your friendships, the greater the protective effect against ill health!

3. Live a life with meaning and purpose. How? Appreciate how what you do in your job, and contribute to your friends, family and community -- all matters! Look for new ways to give back to the people around you. Altruism is actually an act of self-interest. Studies consistently show that people who are involved with volunteerism are a happier group.

4.Keep trying to use your “signature strength” in new ways. It will increase your self esteem – which increases happiness. Plus you’ll be tapping into 3 other big happiness boosters: newness, challenge, consistent growth!

JUNE 7th at 7pm - BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND - MY "GUT" EXTREME SUCCESS SEMINAR - NOW AT A HOT NEW LOCATION - NYC'S BOUTIQUE HEALTH CLUB/SPA: CLAY

Want to score extreme success?

Then you MUST recognize your BLIND SPOTS - that thing you do - or don't do - which leads you to make those dreaded "WHAT WAS I THINKING?!" business blunders...like:

Hiring the wrong assistant

Taking the wrong job

Waiting too long to do a presentation

Presenting a report too soon

Trusting the wrong person

Saying yes instead of no to a bid

Saying no instead of yes to a suggested innovation

No matter who you are - a CEO - or the assistant to a CEO - your "WHAT WAS I THINKING?" business blunders were ALL caused by the exact same problem! You did not listen to your intuitive GUT warning you: "YO! PROCEDE WITH CAUTION!"

Learning how to hone in on this important power of your GUT will absolutely increase your decision making abilities - and thereby help you to increase your success level to EXTREME SUCCESS!

Nowawadays it's more important than ever to trust your intuitive gut – because the world has speeded up. You have 4 enemies conspiring against you: TICK TOCK TICK TOCK. Learning how to be best trust your gut will help you make wiser/quicker decisions!

SO COME JOIN ME JUNE 7th at 7pm -- AND LEARN THE LATEST RESEARCH AND TECHNIQUES ON YOUR INTUITIVE GUT -- SO YOU CAN ENSURE YOU SCORE THE EXTREME SUCCESS YOU DESIRE AND DESERVE!

Where: The gorgeous CLAY SPA AND HEALTH CLUB

25 West 14th Street in NYC

Fee: $35.00

BONUS: 2 FREE TRIAL WEEKS AT CLAY IF YOU RSVP ASAP!

THE BONUS TO THIS BONUS: One of my intuitive GUT strengthening tips is to get you to RELAX, DAMMIT! And CLAY will help you relax a lot - through its cutting-edge fun exercise programs and massages!

Find out more about my best selling book GUT:HOW TO THINK FROM YOUR MIDDLE TO GET TO THE TOP by clicking here.

RSVP ASAP by clicking here.

career leap

1. NEVER wear your heart on your business shirt sleeve. Know: anything said "in private" can easily be taken public. In fact, backstabbers often try to gather personal secrets and controversial professional views -- so as to stock up undermining ammo. Saying less will protect you more.

2. If your firm is undergoing big changes, keep an extra look-out in your rearview mirror. Desperation brings out latent backstabbing tendencies. A normally kind colleague might suddenly bend over backstabbing-wards, so as to hold onto their job or receive necessary resources.

3. Those who walk softly and confidently, can still carry a big knife. Translation: Supervisors can backstab as frequently as colleagues. Be on the alert: your boss might be kissing up the ladder while attacking you down below.

4. Don't remove yourself from the grapevine. Become a fellow grape. If the backstabber knows you keep your ears and eyes open to office politics, they may think twice before stabbing you.

5. Good deeds can actually help you go un-punished. If you become known for doing favors for people, you’ll add to “Your Political Capital” -- plus, create a more positive place to work.

6. Love thy neighbor -- and try to pick thy neighborhood. Okay, admittedly, you can’t always pick who you work with -- but whenever possible, try to surround yourself with the people you most trust.

7. Make sure you have friends not ONLY in HIGH places. Don’t just work to create good relationships with your boss and colleagues, but also with secretaries, assistants -- even janitors. You never know who knows -- and says -- what.

8. If stabbed, quickly bring the offending “knife” to the backstabber -- and get them to fess up. Say something like: "If you have a problem with me, let’s resolve it now, because we need to work together in a healthy way to create the most productive work environment. So together let’s figure out how to ensure this problem doesn’t repeat itself.” If the backstabber is your boss, demand you create “clarification procedures” for fixing the problem that are put on record somewhere. If the backstabber is a colleague, not only confront the offender, but request a private meeting with your boss -- and show them the offending “knife evidence” in a calm, rational way. Ask your boss for advice on how to become a member of “The Backstabbed Protection Program,” so as to get your boss involved in putting your complaint on record.

In summary: If you’ve been backstabbed, know that a combo of “the bright light of clarity” along with “the spotlight of public record” can help melt most knives.

Planning an unusual blind date: meeting your paramour’s kids for that very (scary!) first time...

Confession: At first I was unsure about my decision to date my now (amazing!) longterm boyfriend - G. we will call him – to protect his identity.

Although, G might as well be short for Gee Why Did I Ever Hesitate?

Actually – Gee Come To Think of It -- One Of Those Reasons Was That I Wasn’t Sure About Dating Someone Who Came with A Child.

As it turns out, the old me (who I guess was actually the “younger” me!) was being an idiot.

Because the new me (who I guess is actually the “older” me!) is loving dating a man who comes with a kid.

Indeed, dating G is like getting one fabulous love (G The Man) – then getting another fabulous love free (S The Daughter -- or I guess that would be “s” not “S” -- because "s" is a totally adorable little 7 year old sweetie pie!)

If any of you out there are hesitating to date someone simply because they have kids – I’m here to tell you -- expand your dating horizons and you will expand your heart with extra loving!

Being that I am a best selling self help book author, you can be sure G and I put a lot of thoughtful preparation into making sure G and I picked the right time and place for our first blind date intro to flow successfully. If you're dating a divorced person with children, below are some helpful psychology tips to keep in mind.

1. Wait until you’re exclusive and committed to make that initial intro. You don’t want to be constantly bombarding your child with a string of strumpets. (I love that word “strumpet”!)

2. Tell your child you want them to meet someone you personally feel is very special -- but don't tell your child how they MUST feel about this new person.

3. Prepare your child at least one week before the actual event – so they have time to process.

4. Check in with your child a few times during this week. Ask them how many of the following 5 main emotions they feel -- the Big Five that the terrific Morrie Shectman writes about: glad, sad, mad, hurt and afraid – and why.

5. Recognize your child might view your paramour as a threat to their own personal time with you – as being someone who is breaking and entering into your own Special Little Club. Even if your child doesn’t say it aloud, know they may wonder things like: "Will this new paramour go to the playground and talk to Dad -- and then Dad won't watch me play and play with me?" Take the lead. Reassure your child that you will still be there for them in all the usual ways.

6. If your child is particularly mad, sad, hurt and/or afraid, warmly explain how adults need time with other adults, just as children need time with other children. If you want, say something like: "You are the most important person in my life, but like you I need to spend time with people my own age. I know some kids don't like it when their parents date. How do you feel about this?”

7. Keep the first meet-up with everyone short – to under four hours

8. Don’t rely on the sheer force of conversation for the first meet-up. Plan a fun activity to do together.

9. You and your paramour should both go easy on the Public Displays of Adorableness. Avoid your usual kissing, touching and general loveydoveyism.

10. After this initial blind date meet-up everyone should check in with everyone about how everyone feels. Parent with child. And paramour with paramour. Oh...and both paramours should feel free to partake in using those same 5 basic feelings as fodder for conversation: mad, sad, glad, hurt and afraid – and be sure to include those accompanying why's.

BE HAPPY DAMMIT TIPS!

This has been a super fun week on my sirius show Be Happy Dammit at Lime 114.

Some highlights...

WEDNESDAY, MAY 16 TH 8:00
A GOOD WAY TO BE GOOD TO ANIMALS: GOODSEARCH.COM

JJ Ramberg talked with me about how she created a world-changing company called Goodsearch.com. Every time you use its search engine, Ramberg has it set up that various companies advertising on her site donate money to a variety of charitable organizations -- like the TV celebrity Cesar's famed Millan Foundation -- aka The Dog Whisperer Foundation. Stacey Candella, the head of this Foundation, talked about how much she appreciates all the good Goodsearch.com is doing to help animals in need - and why raising money is so important for her cause.


WEDNESDAY, MAY 16 TH 8:15
SECRETS TO LONGLASTING AND LUSTING LOVE

Jonathan Fields talked with me about the Love Lab -- Dr. John Gottman's research laboratory which has found a way to predict divorce 10 years out -- with 94% accuracy -- based on a mere 15-minute observation of couples. Plus we talked about that magic 5 to 1 ratio which happy couples have -- where there are 5 nice moments to every nasty moment. Similarly. in the workplace, teams with 3/1 postive/negative interactions are significantly more productive. However, interestingly, when the ratio goes up to 13 nice to 1 nasty moment the productivity starts to erode – most likely because it starts to feel like false positivity which leads to a patronizing feeling.


THURSDAY, MAY 17TH, 8:00 - 8:30
THE # 1 SECRET FUEL FOR SUCCESS: PASSION


Daniel Schutzsmith is often called "an evangelist for creative people" -- because he has a business which helps inspire creative people to pursue their passions -- by guiding them with a wise strategy and productive process. He's famous for his "Creative Business Bootcamp", and talked with me about what it's like to give seminars at the CRE8 Conference set in -- of all places -- Disney World! And...Daniel and I will both be speaking at the same conference in June - THE HOW DESIGN CONFERENCE. So if you're interested in learning more about the business of creativity sign up for that conference ASAP -- in Hotlanta...um...er I mean Atlanta!If you do sign up let me know and I'd love to meet you for a drink at barside!


FRIDAY, MAY 18TH, 8:30-9:00
LOVE IN THE PRESENT TENSE:How To Have A High Intimacy, Low Maintenance Marriage

Morrie Shechtman literally wrote the book on how to do this. Actually, that is the title of his latest book -- which I loved and we talked about. Some of his provocative ideas included: How Smart Women Become Dumb When They Get Married; Why Most Couples Settle For Mediocrity In Their Relationships; If You Never Fight, You Lost Interest A Long Time Ago; Unconditional Acceptance: The Ultimate Abandonment; It Pays To Be Average Looking: Why Good-Looking People Struggle With Intimacy; Data Dumps: Why Most Couples Bore Each Other To Death;
Love Conquers All: Only For Idiots

If any of the above pisses you off -- or just plain intrigues you -- feel free to comment on my blog space below!

MAY 21st -- SOHO HOUSE EXTREME SUCCESS SEMINAR - IN NYC!

Behind every wildly successful business person is always a ballsy story of how they got there!

Indeed you don't need to work longer hours -- just ballsier hours!

Monday May 21st at 7pm at the exclusive NYC SOHO HOUSE I will give you pointers on how to become your ballsiest, most successful self -- from my best selling book BALLSY!

Some sneak peek pointers:

The more people you know, the luckier you will be. Mom was wrong. It’s Okay to talk to Strangers. And ...there are specific hot times to cold call. (tip #4)

If at first you don’t succeed you're doing something stupid. Why you shouldn't just seek compliments, but seek criticism. (tip #6)

It doesn’t matter how good your beef tenderloin is. Don’t try to sell it to a vegan store. How to better target in on your target audience. (tip #20)

Whenever possible, play with people who are better than you. How to meet the Supermodelers in your career -- and why you should be other peoples' Supermodeler (tip #39)

Come join me and NOT ONLY will receive my time-after-time tested techniques for achieving extreme success...

BUT ALSO FREE, FREE, FREE: 1 week pass to Yogaworks, Sweetriot chocolate, FizzyLizzy beverages, Vibrel sexual enhancer - plus even MORE FREE STUFF!

How did I get all this very cool FREE stuff?

Simple -- I was a ballsy gal and snagged it for you!

DATE: MAY 21ST

TIME: 7PM - 8:30 PM

FEE: $35.00 per person

NEW: PAYPAL SIGN UP AT MY SITE -- see seminars page on left column!

LOCATION: SOHO HOUSE AT 9TH AVE. BETWEEN 13TH/14TH

FOR LOVE...AND/OR MONEY?

There’s a famous expression: “It’s as easy to love a rich man as it is to love a poor man.”

There’s also a not-so-famous expression (because I’m making it up!): “It’s as easy to complain about a rich man as it is to complain about a poor man.”

Although the total absence of an income might bring its share of stress into a relationship, adamantly seeking a marital partner who’s a millionaire won’t necessarily guarantee you a lifetime of bliss.

Consistently studies show that individuals who prioritize wealth over close human connection tend to be less happy—and this is consistent in every culture.

Sociological researcher H. W. Perkins surveyed 800 college alumni, and discovered that those who reported “Yuppie values” (preferring high income, job success, and status over enjoying truly close friendships and highly-connected love relationships) were twice as likely to describe themselves as “fairly” or “very” unhappy

Interestingly, a similar correlation appeared among 7,167 college students surveyed in 41 countries. Those who prioritized love over money reported higher life satisfaction than their money-obsessed pals.

And what about that rumor: money problems are a top cause of divorce? Mere hearsay – according to Jan Andersen, associate professor at CSU Sacramento, who did extensive sociological research and wrote a doctoral dissertation on this very subject.

“As a predictor of divorce, money problems are … so minor,” Andersen says. “If we look at all the causes of divorce, financial problems can only account for 5% of the effect.”

On an interesting note, when Anderson first embarked on his research, his goal was to prove a cause/affect link between money/divorce. Andersen was both a child of divorce and a teacher of personal finance and so he liked the concept that improving money managing skills might improve marriage success rates.

However to Andersen’s surprise, the only research he found showing an actual link between money and divorce was one mere survey from 1948 -- of postwar divorced women asked what ended their marriages. Their leading response: “nonsupport.” Translation: Hubby wasn’t providing enough money.

But Andersen clarified that “nonsupport” was one of the only grounds you could use to get a divorce back then. Plus, this survey focused only on wives’ opinions -- not husbands.

Recent research, however, consistently showed money playing a far lesser role in divorce – usually ranking about fifth in the blame line-up – behind incompatibility, lack of emotional support, abuse and sexual problems.

Andersen hypothesis: Money is a more socially acceptable reason for divorce than confessing to abuse or sexual problems, so people claim it out loud more often.

Another essential point to keep in mind: Even when couples fight about money, they’re often really fighting about more important underlying problems -- reminds Olivia Mellan, a Washington D.C. therapist and author of “Money Harmony: Resolving Money Conflicts in Your Life and Relationships.”

“It’s always what the money represents: dependency, control, freedom, security, pleasure, self-worth,” explains Mellan.

The lesson to be learned from all this: All the money in the world won’t make you happy. But a loving highly-connected relationship just might.

With this in mind, here’s some priceless money/love advice:

1. When in the courting phase, make sure you and your paramour do a range of activities having nada to do with moola. Go for a picnic in the park. Eat in a greasy spoon diner. Cook at home and watch an old movie. Suss out how much you enjoy each other’s company while merely putting cheese-whiz on a Ritz -- and not putting on the Ritz!

2. Talk directly about money with your paramour. How much do you need to be happy – and why? What do you prioritize spending money on? Trips. Clothes. A fabulous home. Charity events. College Education. Plastic surgery. Saving rainforests. Do you share the same monetary priorities? Are you both compatible when it comes to being high vs. low spenders?

3. Discuss with your partner how each of you relates money to self-worth, pleasure, freedom, security, dependency, control. Do you both share compatible attitudes about the underlying “value” and “role” of money?

4. Buy a bunch of gossip magazines, and read all about the troubled relationships of the rich and famous. Obviously money is not buying guaranteed happiness amongst the jet set.

5. If you insist on marring rich, make sure your partner has a diversified “good character values” portfolio – with the full gamut of valuing communication, loyalty, warmth, friendship, family, trust, and compassion.

No doubt about it. A night spent with the right intimate partner eating tuna fish sandwiches is far more enjoyable than a night spent with the wrong partner eating lobster and caviar.

YOUR TWO BIGGEST ENEMIES IN BUSINESS...

Warning! No matter what business you are in, you must always be looking out for your two biggest enemies:

1. your competition
2. your own damn self

I’m constantly coaching clients how to get out of their own way.

Morris Shechtman, author of Fifth Wave Leadership: The Internal Frontier, also recognizes this tendency for self-sabotage -- even in the top executives in the Fortune 500 companies he does consulting for.

Shechtman explains:“If you want to keep rising up in your career, you must recognize your ‘familiars’ -- your amazingly persistent collection of attitudes rooted in your childhood -- which cause you to act in predictable ways -- which hold you back from moving forward.”

Through workshops and consulting, Shechtman helps executives confront long buried demons keeping them from optimal work performance. He does this with candid humor and a no-nonsense list of 75 Surprising Truths to Live Your Workplace Life by.

My favorites are below:

1. Teamwork Is A Result Of Conflict And Confrontation -- Not Consensus And Agreement.

2. Feedback Is Constructive When Its Goal Is To Give People Information That Helps Them Learn, Grow, And Change.

3. Nothing Will Lower Your Credibility Faster Than Avoiding Conflict.

4. Clarity Creates AdvocatesAndEnemies.

5. All Change Is Loss—It Doesn’t Matter Whether It’s “Good” Change… Or “Bad” Change

6. The Amount of Time Spent Together Is One Of The Poorest Indicators Of Intimacy Achieved.

7. Intimacy Is Impossible To Achieve Without A Commitment To Engage In Self-Disclosure And Conflict.

8. The Two Key Skills In Life Are The Ability To Make Decisions And The Ability To Build Relationships. Everything Else Is A Distant Third.

9. If You’re Not Judgmental, You Don’t Really Care.

10. Goals Are Where You’re Going. Values Are How You’re Going To Get There.

11. Anger Is The Outward Manifestation Of Disappointment. Disappointment Is The Gap Between What You Have And What You Want.

12. Disappointment Is The Catalyst For The Next Stage Of Growth.

13. There Are No Business Problems—There Are Only Personal Issues Which Get Manifested At Work.

14. Successful People Use Feedback Immediately.

15. What Stops People In Their Careers Is Not That They’ve Gone As Far As They Can Go, But That They’ve Gone As Far As Their Familiars Will Allow.

CAREER TIP:If you were able to go into business with anyone - who would it be?

This morning on my SIRIUS radio show BE HAPPY DAMMIT Judy Martin -- work/life culture pundit and journalist -- came on and offered an interesting study along with helpful career tips...and so I asked her to guest blog at my site.

Here's Judy Martin:

A study by the Small Business division of Capital One Financial found that 66 percent of those who dreamed of owning their own business would want Oprah as their most desirable partner. The Donald, Martha Stewart, and U2’s Bono were next. Aside from name recognition, and the cash windfall, how do you relate to their image?

But...enough about them! What does your image stand for?

Who are you and how do you show up in business?

There’s a marked difference between image and authentic identity. Often we get so caught up in presenting ourselves in a way we believe others will accept us, thinking it will lead to a successful interaction. But problems arise at the heart of business when the parties don’t live up to the “image” expectation. If we could be more authentic when we interact, not fearful of our true self – doors will open.

Here’s a few questions to ask yourself before the work day:

1. “Who am I?” : Just give yourself a few minutes to contemplate that question without any judgment.

2. “What are the most positive characteristics about myself that I can focus on today?” Do they conflict with how others might perceive me?

3. “Do I listen with awareness to the person with whom I’m speaking?” Listening clears the way for more of your own intuition to spring forth.

For more about Judy Martin click here or then again click here

"Do not fear death so much, but rather the inadequate life" -Bertolt Brecht

My father is dying.

It feels surreal to type that sentence.

And after typing those words, it begins to finally feel real.

We are taught in this culture to deny death.

Indeed, talking about death is considered a rather morbid conversation to lure someone into.

Plus, it’s as if we secretly fear we might “catch death” indirectly -- simply talking about it!

But now, as I prepare for the sad potentiality of my father’s death, I find myself becoming more aware of the importance of talking about death – openly -- very openly – with others.

I confess at first I felt awkward starting conversations about my father and his illness – and in thinking about why this might be – I remembered back to a quick sort of funny story.

A QUICK SORT OF FUNNY STORY: My initial inspiration for writing HOW TO BE HAPPY DAMMIT came from reading Sogyal Rinpoche’s “THE TIBETAN BOOK OF LIVING AND DYING.” I remember when I initially read this book I actually skipped the passages about “dying” – completely. I thought (get this!) those sections about death did NOT apply to me! Afterall, I was healthy. My family was healthy. I didn’t need to read about dying. Then one night on a whim, I began to skim through those very death passages – and cracked up. Much of what Rinpoche wrote about in these sections was written for the healthy and the vibrant – to warn us NOT to live with denial about death – because death absolutely came with a lifetime guarantee! And the sooner we healthy and vibrant folks could recognize that we are not invincible, the sooner we might use our energy to enjoy our lives to their utmost.

I picked up Rinpoche’s book again this weekend while I was visiting my father in the hospital and read Rinpoche’s passages on dying once again. So much of what he wrote makes so much sense.

He warns us not to become “unconscious living corpses.” Meaning? If we’re not careful, we can sleepwalk through our lives – afraid to feel our deepest feelings – afraid to risk going for our truest desires.

He describes a Western tendency called “active laziness” – our urgent need to cram up our lives with compulsive unimportant activities – leaving little leftover time to confront our most important issues. He jokingly re-names all the petty projects which we call our “responsibilities” -- as our “irresponsiblities” -- because they stop us from finding the time to do what matters most.

All of this reminded me of a favorite Bertolt Brecht quote: "Do not fear death so much, but rather the inadequate life."

YOUR ASSIGNMENT: Today look at your daily list of “responsibilities” and gauge honestly how many of them are in truth “irresponsibilites”? Ask yourself how you might boldly and truthfully edit down your “to do” list -- to make sure you find the time for your “what matters most to do” list!

ps: We’ve all had life experiences that have impacted us. I welcome you to bring your thoughts and life lessons to my blog to share it with me and the notsalmon community....

BE HAPPY DAMMIT TIP: BUSINESS FRIENDSHIP PERKS YOU UP!

Today on my sirius show -- BE HAPPY DAMMIT -- I was talking with one of my regulars, Jonathan Fields, a serial entrepreneur, about the importance of friendship not only when it comes to life happiness -- but job happiness!

For example...

People with a best-friend at work are 7 times more likely to be engaged in their work!

Close friendships at work boost employee satisfaction by nearly 50%!

People with at least 3 close friends at work were 46% more likely to be extremely satisfied with their job -- and 88% more likely to be satisfied with their lives!

Being around a boss was generally considered the least-pleasant part of the work-day. But, employees who were good friends with their bosses were more than TWICE as likely to be happy with their work!

All of this is especially interesting to me now that I've been hiring people to help me out with my radio show. I must confess one of my top job hiring assessments was to ask myself "Would I want to have lunch with this person outside of them working with me?" I only wanted to hire people I'd enjoy spending time with -- and so far so good! I love my new Be Happy Dammit Team: Carolynn Kutz, Allison Maggy, Alexis Robertson, Laura Cantor, and Sharra! So far they've definitely been making my life and job far more than 7 times as engaging!

CAREER TIP: Seek Skillset Promotions!

Today on my Sirius show BE HAPPY DAMMIT we were talking about how too many people think the way to become happier is to focus on getting bigger and bigger monetary promotions.

Wrong.

You become far happier when you focus on getting more and more "skillset promotions."

What I mean by "skillset promotions": When you focus on stretching your skillsets to
higher levels -- so you're growing in your talents and abilities. This also means constantly testing out NEW skillsets -- so you keep on rising up higher and higher on "your total life potential ladder" -- and not just simply that "career ladder"!

I'll be talking about this concept of seeking constant "skillset promotions" LIVE in NYC this Thursday (yup, 2 nights from now!) at 7:30 at the West Side YMCA on West 63rd Street, between Broadway and Columbus -- with a panel of 4 multi-skillset-blessed writers and an agent.

This panel was put together by Marci Alboher -- the author of the amazing book ONE PERSON/MULTIPLE CAREERS -- which explains the new hot trend for more people having "slashes" in their career titles. For example... Marci is a lawyer/author/coach. (I am an ex-ad chick/author/radio host.)

The evening promises to be a fun and inspiring one -- so come on by if you're in NYC.

More info ....

The Writer's Voice (in association with The New York Writers Workshop) Presents:
ONE PERSON/MULTIPLE CAREERS: A New Model for Work/Life Success
Panel Discussion hosted by Author Marci Alboher
Thursday, April 26, 2007
7:30 PM
The George Washington Lounge
Reading/Discussion/Q & A
West Side YMCA-- The George Washington Lounge
5 West 63rd Street (between Central Park West & Broadway)
Admission Free and Open to the Public
Books from Mobile Libris/wines from 67 Wine.
5 W. 63rd Street, between Central Park West & Broadway. Accessible Trains: A, C, B, D, & 1 to Columbus Circle.

BE HAPPY DAMMIT TIP

Every morning on my BE HAPPY DAMMIT sirius radio show, I start your day by making you write a TO BE LIST -- instead of a TO DO LIST.

But I take it easy on you. I only make you write one TO BE -- so you can truly focus on it.

A favorite “TO BE” : openminded.

Marcel Proust said: “The voyage of true discovery lies not in seeking new landscapes, but in seeing with new eyes.”

If you’re unhappy right now, you might NOT have to change your entire life -- just openmindedly view your life with “new eyes.”

It’s like this: Much of your view of your present reality is created due to your past experiences -- and the stubborn expectations and limited beliefs they’ve created – which block you from fully seeing your world with clarity.

Okay! Quick Buddhist tale to explain and inspire!

One day a very wealthy dad took his son on a trip to the country, to live a few days on the farm with a very poor family.

His goal: Teach his son how it was to be poor.

Upon return, the father asked his son, “So, what did you learn about what it means to be poor?”

The son answered, “I learned that we have one dog. They have four. We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden. They have a creek with no end. We have imported lanterns. They have an abundance of stars at night. We have a small piece of land to live on. They have fields that go beyond our sight. We buy our food. They grow theirs. We have walls around our property. They have friends to protect them.”

The boy’s father was speechless.

Then the son added this final remark: “Yes, dad, you showed me how poor WE truly are.”

THE LESSON TO BE LEARNED: With an open mind – with “new eyes” -- you can create a new reality.

YOUR ASSIGNMENT: Today, I encourage you to stop reacting in the same old ways to the same old things which get you upset. Create a new reality by viewing your life with “new eyes.”

Having a hard time either finding love or staying in love?

Every relationship has 2 purposes:

1.THE PRACTICAL PURPOSE OF A RELATIONSHIP -- to simply have someone to share your life with. And duh...life is a lot more wonderful when you have a loving partner by your side. You double the good times. And hopefully halve the bad times. But as for those bad times -- they can be very challenging -- and at times feel impossible. And it is for this reason that we also need/have a HIGHER PURPOSE for a relationship...

Which is...?

2. THE HIGHER PURPOSE OF A RELATIONSHIP -- to learn lessons on how to become better able at loving! Think about that. Every relationship is actually here to serve to teach us how to become a more loving person -- teach us how to respond rightly/lovingly during those challenging times! And... I believe one of the big goals of a successful life is to LEARN HOW TO BEST LOVE OTHERS! Another big goal: LEARN HOW TO BEST RECEIVE LOVE! Yes -- receiving love is often difficult for many people. They have blockades to allowing happiness and love to flow through their lives and hearts. Well, that is until they get "The Clunk" (AKA: The Life Lesson!) -- which shows them that they have blockades to love -- so they can finally figure out (duh!) they have to work on unblocking their blockades -- because it is due to their damn blockades -- and not merely/solely due to their partner -- that they are so unhappy with their love life! A good relationship will do just that -- clunk you/teach you how to finally see your blockades to love -- so you can fix those blockades and allow more love to flow through your life -- so you can give and receive love at its utmost highest level! With this in mind...all relationship problems are actually secretly vehicles to help you discover what you need to work on within yourself to keep love in your heart. This higher purpose of a relationship is also about learning to pay more attention to all the good in your relationship -- even during the bad -- to learn how to stay a loving person even when challenged! Too many of us don't even seem to notice the good in our partner -- or FORGET HOW TO BE LOVING TO OUR PARTNER -- when the practical purpose's road starts to get a bit bumpy. THE HIGHER PURPOSE OF A RELATIONSHIP is here to remind us: "Yo! You must strive to always treat people at your highest, most loving level if you want the highest level love and happiness in your life!"

Basically the practical purpose of a relationship is obvious to most people. BUT... The higher purpose of a relationship is not.

I wanted to put all this into print for you -- SMACK in your face -- so it might become more obvious as you go about your weekend!

I truly do believe we are all here to learn how to best love and be loved.

I truly do believe that the truly successful life is one which has "learning how to best love and be loved" as its ultimate goal.

And this applies not only with our spouses/parmours... but friends and family members too.

How much love do you presently allow to flow in your life?

How can you get better at giving and receiving love?

Want to hear more love tips? Listen to a free BE HAPPY DAMMIT sirius radio show podcast on love -- for free -- by clicking here.

THE INSIDE SCOOP ON TIKI BARBER'S FIRST TODAY SHOW SEGMENT!

Tiki Barber spent the afternoon in my apartment doing some heavy petting -- of my little dog, Maxine.

Yes, the man is not only an incredible athlete, brilliant math/physics major from his college days, fabulous dresser (down to his 400 thread count socks) he's a got a sweet side which is not to be denied. Tiki played very warmly with Maxine -- as we readied up to tape a segment for THE TODAY SHOW.

Which brings me to....

I am excited to announce that I am Tiki Barber's first interview -- along with Marcus Buckingham -- for a TODAY SHOW piece about Marcus' new book GO:PUT YOUR STREGNTHS TO WORK -- in which I spoke in a counter-talk to Marcus' book -- about the importance of also focusing on your weaknesses -- your core pain truth -- your "Kryptonite" -- if you want to rise up from your career plateau.

This Tiki Barber premiere TODAY SHOW segment will be airing some time in mid-April. I will update here on the exact day and time.

But let it be known...I was very impressed by Tiki Barber. When it comes to focusing on Tiki's big stregnths he has many to choose from. Besides his obvious athletic prowess, math skills and fashion sense, I discovered he's also a devoted husband and adoring father. He even writes kids' books.

In fact, actually, I didn't see any weaknesses/Kryptonite in Tiki Barber at all -- well, except perhaps for his weakness/Kryptonite factor for small dogs, like my little Maxine.

SOHO HOUSE SEMINAR -- ON LEARNING THE BIG KEY TO EXTREME SUCCESS - APRIL 9TH!!

Q: How can you score EXTREME BUSINESS SUCCESS?

A: You must recognize that in today's competitive world it's the HARE not the TORTOISE who wins the race!

If you come in 2nd place you might lose the race!

You must think fast on your feet -- know who to trust/NOT trust fast -- make quick/wise decisions!

You can only do that if you trust your GUT.

I believe that in today's uber-busy business world, the wisest decisions ONLY come when you wisely trust your gut and thereby have:

a. the intuitive courage to go against status quo and group opinion

b.. the intuitive foresight to see a new market even before it’s obviously emerged

c. the intuitive trust in yourself to try a hitherto untried opportunity

d. the intuitive ability to tap into a client’s most relevant priorities/needs/values -- before they become a client’s biggest problems

e. an intuitive strong sense for what your highest priorities/needs/values may be

If you want to up your career to its highest level -- ABSOLUTELY join me April 9th at 7pm at THE SOHO HOUSE in NYC.

I will be offering all kinds of inside science-secrets of the GUT from my newest book GUT:HOW TO THINK FROM YOUR MIDDLE TO GET TO THE TOP.

WHEN: APRIL 9TH AT 7pm

WHERE: THE SOHO HOUSE on 9th Avenue and 13th Street -- rsvp NOW to get your name on list!

FEE: $25.00 -- plus free drink

RSVP A MUST: Write me at info@notsalmon.com -- put GUT SEMINAR RSVP in subject box -- and list how many people are coming -- include all emails of attendees, so I can confirm!

My gut says this will be a fabulous seminar -- which will help you take your career to the next upper level!

HAPPINESS TIPS -- plucked fresh from my BE HAPPY DAMMIT sirius radio show!

They say money can't buy happiness.

They is right -- but only half right.

You can maybe snag some happiness if you buy "experiences" rather than things.

It's like this...

German scholar Stefan Klein -- author of “The Science of Happiness” -- says his research shows...

“Things per se cannot bring you happiness at all. It is only the 'experience' of possessing something which can trigger the emotion of happiness."

Meaning?

When a new possession does trigger happiness, it is actually only triggering the "new experience" of having a new thing, like a new, bigger car, for example. It's the experiecing of the newness of the car you're feeling -- not the object itself. Once the new car is NOT new to you anymore, the experience of owning this object fades, and so too will your happiness.

The solution?

Invest more of your moola and time in experiences like vacations -- dinners with loved ones -- films - museum visits -- strolls along the beach -- sport activities -- any/all events and happenings which will bring you longterm happy memories!

Harvard University social psychologist Daniel Gilbert --NYTimes best selling author of “Stumbling on Happiness” -- agrees.

Gilbert pithily explains the happiness perks of happy experiences like this...

"Goods tarnish over time. Experiences, on the other hand, can get better as you remember them -- especially if you're one of the many people who tend to embellish when remembering your past -- which many people are!"

My guests who offered positive happy experiences:

Francine Segan, award winning cookbook author of many cookbooks including THE OPERA LOVER'S COOKBOOK -- and recent nominee for James Beard award

Ceslie Armstrong, founder of the fabulous entertaining and informative CESLIE TV

Adam Walden, President of GEN ART -- a terrific organization which brings you the hottest in fashion, film, art, photography -- you name it

Social Diva, an amazing social networking organization

Lisa Goldberg of Sapa,a sexy/sleek/indulgent restaurant --- with a conscience -- holding an upcoming celebrity-waitered fundrasier dinner for Lou Gehrig disease

Want more happiness tips -- told to you LIVE?

Listen to my free, free, free BE HAPPY DAMMIT radio sample podcasts, snipped fresh from the airwaves of my daily drivetime SIRIUS show, on Lime Channel 114 by clicking this linkerooni here!

HEAR ALL ABOUT THE POWER OF NICE -- AT MY NEW PODCAST LIBRARY!

Good news if you're nice! Nice guys and gals finish FIRST -- when it comes to health, happiness, money, success, better friendship bonds -- you name it.

Hear all about the good stuff in store for nice people -- on a now posted BE HAPPY DAMMIT radio sample podcast, from my daily drivetime SIRIUS show, on Lime Channel 114.

Plus there are lots of other FREE podcasts now up here at the "be happy dammit podcast library". to sample and enjoy!

Bon listening appetit!

HOW DO MEN AND WOMEN CLASH ABOUT CASH?

This morning on BE HAPPY DAMMIT, my SIRIUS daily 8am -9am show on Lime, Channel 114, I had some fabulous guests...including David Neubert who is my weekly regular finance maven and creator of the panelist.com.

David is a retired Wallstreet dude and a philanthropist and philosopher of sorts.

The topic du jour: Working wives now contribute more than a 1/3rd of the typical family's income! And in 1/3rd of married households, women make more moola than their man.

The question du jour: Do men like chicks with checks..big checks?

Neubert says: Yes! He and his men pals like women with big curvy income figures.

The surprise: Numerous surveys show women still don't feel as cocky about their financial abilities as men do. For example, a Merrill Lynch survey found a whopping 47% of women (vs. 30% of men) feel they are NOT that knowledgeable about investing.

Women also confess they are far less comfy taking financial risks than men: Only 31% of the wives surveyed label themselves the couple's bigger risk-taker investor with money vs. 66% of men.

Neubert's comment: Women in general are more likely to confess vulnerability - so the survey might be tainted by this female trait.

Also fascinating... when asked about their family's income, the typical husband says his household earns 5% more than it does -- and the man says he's 10% wealthier than the wife says he is.

Meanwhile the wife reports that the family owes more moola than her husband admits to -- again showing, as Neubert pointed out -- women are more likely to confess to vulnerability as a rule.

A surprising consistent gender gap: Husbands and wives still divvy up money tasks very traditionally. According to recent studies, men still do most of the long-term planning -- while women manage day-to-day household finances.

The problem: Women live longer than men -- and so women need to better keep an eye on longterm savings -- for retirement -- especially since there's still a high percentage of women who don't think about retirement funds at all -- believing their husbands will do it for them.

The lesson learned: Women need to take more financial responsibility for longterm investing -- so they have enough saved income for retirement.

For more financial information on investing etc...see the panelist.com

A Lesson to Be Learned from Mr. and Mrs. Edwards And Cancer vs. Campaign

A doctor had told Mrs. Edwards that a bone scan has revealed her cancer to have returned in an incurable form -- and she has determinedly decided to keep pushing her husband to run for president in spite of her illness.

I very much respect her decision -- and don't understand what all the hullabaloo is about.

Consistently studies on illness show that when the ill person is married -- or has a project of some kind which requires their prescence on this planet -- they live longer -- because they are needed.

The bigger the need/project, the bigger the life booster.

In studies it's even been shown that if the ill person is given so much as a small plant to tend to, the ill person then has just that wee bit more zest to keep on living, which will then give them more of a riled up fighting chance against their illness -- and they will live longer than their plant-less couterparts.

For this reason, it's often recommended to give an ill person who lives alone not only a plant -- but a pet -- as part of their health infusing regime.

Considering all this -- I believe the pet project of a Presidential campaign is of major positive health value for Mrs. Edwards.

I don't see it as selfish on Mr. Edwards part either to keep his candidacy going. It's what Mrs. Edwards wants truly in her heart -- so she can focus on being a victor not a victim -- and he surely wants her to have a positive focus -- and to be excited about her life.

Both Mr. and Mrs. Edwards also said they want to send out a positive message to the world at large about their philosophy on dealing with illness -- to create "a national discussion of the ability of patients to live with cancer and of how people need to live their lives under the shroud of mortality."

In Vikor Frankle' book MAN'S SEARCH FOR MEANING, Frankle advises on the importance of looking for meaning during times of great challenge -- to keep you moving forward. Indeed, those who survived Nazi concentration camps were not the ones most physically healthy from the start - but those who held this mentally healthy attitude -- to always seek meaning and purpose during times of great difficulty.

It seems like Mr. and Mrs. Edwards are doing just that -- and for this I respect them greatly.