HOW TO SPOT THAT TWO-TIMER

You met someone you’re excited about who seems excited about you.

Except… you’re starting to get a sneaky feeling they might be sneaking around on you.

Here’s some tips from the experts -- and my personal ex-files -- for making sure your new crush isn’t trying to have two pieces of cake – and eat them both too!

1. They never invite you to dinner in their neighborhood. At first this might seem generous, but after a few dates this morphs into dubious behavior.
2. They prefer to stay at your apartment – giving you lame excuses for why you can’t come to theirs.
3. They push you to sleep with them very, very quickly. (This might be because their paramour is conveniently out of town, and they don’t want to waste the free night’s opportunity.)
4. Some of their compliments sound cliché and memorized, like… “You are just a little bit irrisistable.” Or they grab you, pull you close, say, “Why are you standing so far away from me?” If they walk and quack like a player, they could indeed be a player.
5. They go on a lot of business trips – even on weekends.
6. When away on business, they don’t give you details about what they’re doing.
7. When away on business, they never tell you the hotel name or hotel phone number.
8. You start to notice that they prefer to email you rather than call you. (This could be because their paramour is in the other room.)
9. Often when they call you they (a) keep the calls short (b) jump off abruptly (c) speak in a low voice.
10. When you first meet this love interest, they only give you their office number -- and are even very slow in giving their cellnumber (They don’t want you to call them when they’re with their paramour.) If they’re involved with someone they’re not married to, they could still give you their home number, but claim they were asleep or out on business dinners when you called.
11. They’re often not available on weekends or national holiday-- claiming business needs – or that they’re tight with their family – and their family has a lot on their emotional bandwith.
12. They are always working lots of late nights at the office.
13. They’re very vague with details about past relationships. (This could be because their ex-paramour is actually a now-paramour.)
14. They repeat the same stories – because they’ve forgotten who they’ve told what.
15. When they’re with you they give frequent excuses to go for little walks with their cellphone. For example, they claim they have a business call and there’s bad cellphone reception where you are sitting. Or they seem to go to the restroom far too frequently -- and for far too long.
16. When they’re with you, they don’t want to pick up certain calls in your presence.
17. When they’re with you, they’re constantly on-line. When you go to bed, they head on-line.
18. If they’re on-line and you come into the room, they immediately close the window on their computer
19. When they’re away from you, they set the phone to go directly to voicemail.
20. They hide their cellphone from you.
21. They delete all their caller ID’s on their phone systems
22. Their co-workers or friends seem a bit uncomfortable in your company.
23. They have friends who are cheaters. (Often a group of immoral friends can work as a support system for each other’s immoral activities.)
24. They suddenly suggest a new sexual technique.
25. They cheated in past relationships. Statistically speaking, cheaters are suspect for cheating again.

SURVEY TIME:
If you were suspicious your paramour was cheating on you, would you....
1. Check their cellphone to see their incoming and outcoming calls?
2. Check their email -- if they left it up by accident -- to see if there was any proof they weren't being monogomous but duogomous -- and totaljerkyogomous?