WHY MORE OPTIONS BRINGS LESS JOY -- IN LOVE, AND EVERYTHING...

Are you always looking around for something better: better job, better apartment -- better relationship?

For example, let's say you’ve finally caught a pretty great love catch. Do you still find yourself tempted to keep going back to that large online dating ocean, in hopes of finding an even bigger, better, more 100% perfect catch?

If so, your search for the better might be making your life worse.

And that’s not just my opinion – that’s the opinion of Barry Schwartz, Ph.D., psychology professor at Swarthmore College, and author of THE PARADOX OF CHOICE: WHY MORE IS LESS.

After extensive research, Schwartz has concluded that excess proliferation of choice makes people more anxious and less happy – even clinically depressed at times.

Schwartz defines people who tend to check out all the options as “maximizers,” and believes these are folks who tend to always question whether they’ve made the right choice, then later regret their choices.

Unfortunately, in today’s online world, it’s very easy to become a “love maximizer” with the tempting shmorgasbord of dating choices constantly available. With so much choice, it's easy to fall into the temptation of seeking an "upgrade" -- even when your sweetie is a total sweetie! Or you can wind up with “choice paralysis” and not be able to get into a relationship at all.

For example, Schwartz reports a study with shoppers. Group #1 was offered free samples of six different jams. Group #2 was offered free samples of twenty-four jams. Afterwards, Group #1 was more likely to buy a jam than Group#2. This result doesn’t seem logical. You’d guess that people would be more likely to find a jam when given a range four times as large. But the overabundance of choice seemed to freeze shoppers’ decision making skills.

Unfortunately, this same “brain freeze” affect can happen to daters when shopping for spouses in that endless online parade of possibilities.

On an interesting note, Schwartz reports there are even cases where adding a mere one additional choice can produce “decision paralysis.” In one study, subjects were asked how they’d feel about receiving a desirable Sony appliance placed in a shopwindow, radically reduced in price. The subjects were psyched. However, when a second appliance, also reduced, was then placed next to this bargain Sony, both eagerness and sales plummeted.

“It’s a satisfaction treadmill,” says Schwartz. “The more options we have available, the more we think that another option out there is perfect.”

The truth according to me? Rarely is anyone or anything perfect. And so the #1 biggest problem with choice is …well, it’s really an illusion. Up close and personal, all of that choice is not always Choice A material.

Interestingly, a June 2006 on-line article in The Spectator reported a study relating to this “illusion of choice.” It seems that “people exposed to a few minutes’ worth of advertising, with its endless parade of nubile women and improbably handsome men, were likely to experience far greater discontent with their regular ‘partner’ after viewing.”

Translation: Love is both blindsighted by choice – and “blindblighted” by choice. A good relationship can be totally destroyed by the glaring blazing promise of what really never was and/or never would be in the first place.

So what’s the cure for having so many choices?

1. You must recognize that being a "love maximizer" actually minimizes your chances of finding a healthy, happy relationship.

2. You must recognize you luckily have a choice in how you view choice! Next time you’re tempted to two-time, think twice! Remind yourself how all those many, many people who look so good from faraway, all look very different when viewed close up – when you can more clearly see their many, many flaws.

3. You must recognize that no one person is ever going to have every single thing you need. The goal is to find the person who has the most important things you need. Make a list of your top 3 dealbreakers and your top 3 love-makers. If your partner passes the 6-pack test you’ve got the basis of a very happy relationship – one not worth messing up with your “maximizing” ways.

4. Once a week, spend a night luxuriating in your partner’s Fantastic Six Pack Benefits -- and let them know all you appreciate about them. Soon you’ll turn yourself into a love energizer, instead of a love maximizer!