A HAPPY VALENTINES DAY REMINDER

If you’re looking for a fairy tale love, and not finding it, guess what? Perhaps it’s because “fairy tale’ is …well…a fairy tale.

You must accept that the blissful honeymoon period cannot sustain itself forever in its full force euphoric state.

Love goes through many stages and phases.

According to psychologists, the beginning phase of a relationship is the Romance Phase – when your socialized self plays with the other person’s socialized self.

But eventually these self-conscious perfect social masks are removed, and that’s when the Intimacy Phase kicks in -- and in so doing, puts a few dents and scratches on all the romance.

But that doesn’t mean the romance is gone forever. The romance phase just goes in and out.

Translation: If you want be part of a perfect couple, you must accept that this will mean you will be part of an “imperfect couple.”

You will have ebbs in all that fun-filled flow. You will have disagreements. You will not always feel 100% in love with your partner 100% of the time.

And that’s okay.

“Flagging passions are not necessarily a red flag to leave a relationship,” says clinical psychologist Barry McCarthy. “You must accept: It’s difficult—if not near impossible—for the early days of passion and romance to sustain themselves.”

And if you want a second doctor’s opinion, just ask Dr. John Gottman, a revered psychologist and marital researcher.

Dr. Gottman has discovered that the long-term, happily married couples he’s interviewed disagree just as much as those couples who divorce. The only difference? Happily married couples accept there will be disagreements.

Translation: Love at first sight might look a bit different from love at 1001st sight – but it doesn’t mean it’s not still love.

So if you want to be have the best, happiest imperfectly wonderful relationship, remember the following:

1. Stop holding up a magnifying glass to every glitch and bitch in the relationship. Fairy tale perfection does not exist.

2. Because at times you will have disagreements – you must make sure you and your partner have effective methods for dealing with disagreements. Psychologists say there are 3 conflict strategies: 1. avoidance (the worst); 2. fighting (better than avoidance, but still not healthful or helpful); 3. validation (the winning method – which means really trying to see things from the other person’s point of view, and sharing all views with kindness, and the goal of finding a win-win compromise!)

3. If it’s been a while since you’ve felt that lusty, feisty feeling of romance, you can jump start this phase anew, by going back to those first few romantic courtship places. Chances are re-feel all the romance feng shui and playfulness all over again, and deja romance will occur.